********** Goals 2011

Let's see. Time to streamline some stuff. As much as I would like to be a 'jack of all trades', I don't think I can afford the luxury....... Okie, let's get rid of 1) Sax 2) Dizi off my list.

Work: I will enjoy work to the best of my ability. "Work" is not a vulgar word. It is an expression of my gifts, talents and dominion on this earth.

Do my best to implement the step down care into the eye clinic system. I will be going to London in March for this purpose.
Pick up orthoptics.
Read up and refresh myself in ocular pathology.
Learn to make use of the free time to do constructive stuff.
I will confine work related stuff to working hours and never bring work home.
Have a better attitude towards my patients no matter what their attitudes are toward me.
Answer the patients' relatives when they ask me questions.
Offer seats to the patients' relatives.
Do my best for JCI.
Set up a template for a presentation in myopia control so that I can do talks about it. I will start with the club first. I will start by reading up on myopia and astigmatism. Also I will read up on the various attempts on myopia control on the market now.

Physical:

Aim towards a body like the one below.

Okay I realise I still have a long way to go but everyone's gotta start somewhere.

Learn and master swimming freestyle.

Relational:

Spend more time with the people who really matter. No point trying to build new relationships while forsaking the old ones, the ones who have been around all the time.

Spiritual:

Get into a spiritual discipline of spending time with God in worship and word everyday, regardless of how I feel and whether it is a Sunday or not.
Worship songs- To take a worship song and really break it down to learn it in keyboard, guitar and singing. To note the various rhythms to play them in and how to build the dynamics. To note how to sing them and where to emphasize on.
Slowly but steadily creep back into guitar and keyboard worship for service. Think I'll start with guitar first. Seems more hopeful. ;)

Music: I will commit at least 4 evenings per week to the practice of my music.

Piano:
I can't believe how much material I have gathered through these years that are siting on the shelf!
Sight Reading
Jazz improvisation
Hand coordination
BM. To familiarize and drill the rhythms into my mind, training with a metronome.


Guitar:
Learn and master guitar. To go through the course and finish it by 6 months.
BM. To familiarize and drill the rhythms into my mind, training with a metronome.

Singing:
finish the entire course of singing success within the year. That will lay a strong foundation in my vocal ability as well as equip me with the workings of SLS.
KIV take up speech level singing certification.

Massage:

Maintain my skills in massage therapy and refresh myself in the area of Aromatherapy. To go through the common essential oils and their uses and properties. 
I will start with the following: 1) Basil 2) Bergamot 3) Black Pepper 4) Cypress 5) Eucalyptus 6) Frankincense 7) Citronella 8) Lemon 9) Orange Bitter 10) Pine Needle 11) Spearmint 12) Peppermint 13) Lime 14) Grapefruit 15) Ginger 16) Black Pepper 17) Rosewood 18) Sweet Marjoram 19) Lavender 20) Rosemary. Okay that's a mouthful!
I will recall and remember the Aromatherapy massage sequence.

General:

To be proactive and do things without putting them off if it is possible to accomplish them quickly.  
To match myself against myself and not to others. We all have different roads to walk so it is no longer comparing apples to apples. 

Goal For 2011

I felt really inspired by a man by the name of Vince Delmonte (for some reason, I keep thinking of bananas mentioning his name, wonder why). He is a fitness coach and he started off very much like my present state: scrawny. Despite all his efforts to gain bulk, he failed miserably. That was until he met someone who trained him into this super cool guy.

Being the impulsive person I am, I bought an ebook published by him. Cost me 77USD! But just going through the first few pages already made it worth it. The philosophies and principles he wrote about in his book were very practical and we have yet to go to the training yet!

So, for once in the longest time, I am going to set goals for 2011!

obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal

Saw this quote just a moment ago. Food for thought!

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas again. It's amazing how time really flies. Before you know it, another year has passed. Right in the midst of Christmas day itself I find myself siting by my com and deep in contemplation. I suppose for most this should be a 'party' day. As much as I wanted to make it so, I really wanted to chill at home, after going through a number of hectic weeks. So after service I went to the gym for a short session and decided to call it quits. Came home and decided to start my chill routine first by watching a DVD.

Talking about Christmas service, this is the first after such a long time I am up in the backup team during worship. It was quite a good feeling. Other than the irritation of having a self-appointed backup leader trying to choreograph the movements for backup team (like how we should move and clap and do actions :( ) and an irritating partner whom I failed so miserably trying to humor his 'unfunny' and uninteresting jokes and comments, everything else went fine. Don't get me wrong, they are nice people. Maybe that's the problem. I tend not to be blunt to nice people. But seriously I do hope I can keep some consistency in doing some kind of ministry for God. I have slacked so much and He really does not deserve any of that.

I was touched during the worship of the first service. It was good. As much as I do not want to turn church into an emotional rut everytime, I think I can make do with more touches from God. I need all the help I can get. I really want to finish well for the rest of my journey here. I feel I have wasted too much time on myself, without any results. Okay, trying not to be too emo on this special day. Time to go chill......

Goals Goals Goals

I was reading a friend's facebook recently and he was asking for advice on which program to look into to help him achieve his goals. Then I realised that it has been a long time since I had any worthy goal in life. Since I came out of my thing with J, it's as if all my dreams and goals (if I had any) died with the relationship. Since then I have been cruising along with life, just trying to lie low. As much as I realise the danger of it, I seem to have sunk in too deep into the comfort it offers. When my supervisors ask about my plans, I simply answer them I have no plans and I am just walking through a day at a time.

That's for work. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be any different for other aspects of my life. I am sucked into a rut where I just respond to what comes and I do not have any vision of the future. I think there's a couple of reasons for that.....

One reason I think is because of the teaching I received last one of my previous churches. The pastor was almost implying (at least I felt so) that as long as you are walking with God, goals are not important. I think another reason is that subconsciously I feel that non "spiritual" goals are not worth pursuing at all. Yeah, think it's something like that. Ouch. Think this is too much thinking at 3 in the morning! Think I will continue another time......

Here I Am At 2 A.M. In The Morning

I suppose it has come to that time again when I find myself pretty much awake at the wee hours. The funny thing is that I do not seem to have much on my mind off late. However, I did have a rough time at work yesterday which may explain why I did not really sink in to deep sleep.

I guess it's easy to tell my colleagues not to be affected by "bad" patients since I am not in their shoes. However I found myself profoundly challenged yesterday with a patient's dad who was really an "ass" (pardon my language). Dealing with him really raised my blood pressure. I think he did not realise one thing is that when you are not nice to people, they will be less likely to go the extra mile for you when necessary.

His daughter needs a pair of glasses which, to my knowledge cannot be done locally because the power is simply out of range. I have come to the conclusion that I will only try to source for solutions within the companies I know and that will be it. I will not "go the extra mile" to see if any other solutions can be offered. I can almost feel the delight of calling him to inform him that he is on his own and there is nothing he can do about it.

Yes I do realise that I am kind of petty in this situation, but what the hack! Actually I kind of dread the feeling of not being able to provide solutions to other peoples' problems but this might just be a first and I think I might just come to love that feeling. Of course, I do understand that there is an innocent party involved this time, but do I care? Hmmmmm, nope! At least not at this point of time. Okie, I shall not dwell any longer on this subject, least my blood pressure goes up again. On to the next,......

YOU SHOULD BLEED FOR YOUR COUNTRY, NOT FOR THE MOZZIES!

Saw this line on a poster in my camp some days ago. Wanted to take a photo of it but unfortunately cameras not allowed in camp. Reading that line, I could not help but laugh. Frankly, I'll pass on both. ;)

End Of My Reservist

Sigh. It's back to work again. It's like waking from a dream, a good one for that matter. This reservist has been a good one. I have been able to spend a lot more time with myself and think things through. Wish I had a little more time though. Maybe 3 weeks would have been just nice. Then again, I might just totally quite my job since I might not be able to adjust back to working life...... ;)

I Am Valuable Because God Loves Me

Just felt that in my heart this morning......

Philharmonic Winds

 SL and her boy boy

 Me, Jasmine and Faith

 One of the few clear pics I managed to steal a shot at cos photographing's not allowed. Shhhhh don't tell anyone.

I can't remember how long ago it was when I last felt so super high listening to music. It started when I was with my buddies at the Esplanade for dinner. I happened to chance upon a poster with Nathan Hartono in it and I got closer to see what it was about. It happened to be the Philharmonic Wind's 10th anniversary performance with guest performers Nathan Hartono as well as Tay Kewei. That got me interested. I managed to pull a couple of others to join me and none of us regretted going.

For me, though my original intention was to watch Nathan live, I ended up enjoying the rest of the performances more than I did his. The group did many contemporary songs from Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga and many more. One highlight for me was when they did a medley from Lady Gaga and they even imitated some of her moves from her MTVs as they ended her medley. Overall, I just felt so 'high' from all the instruments playing together. It was a superb experience for just 33 bucks. Think I am gonna go see more of such performances whenever possible......

Rapunzal Rapunzal Let Down Your Hair

As I was making my way to Cineleisure last night to catch the movie, I was wondering to myself if I was too old to watch this genre of movies. I came to the conclusion the answer was an emphatic no. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. It's really nice to get to watch something so funny and entertaining.

I suppose the story line is familiar to most people so I need not elaborate. The jokes were really funny. So this movie is a must catch for the young, old and in-betweens.......

Remember

Not to let the 'Ah Longs' control you. Just let the banks do so. After all, the worse the banks can do is just sue you and take away your property. The 'Ah Longs' can splash paint on your property!

Changes?

I think I have been told a couple of times I will be re-joining the worship team. Yap. It's kind of funny that I am the one who gets told to join instead of me making the decision and telling people I am joining. This time I am told to come back as a guitarist. To a certain I am looking forward. It's really high time to give God my time and energy and go back to the good old days. I just read in a book that people with my issues tend to be very inward-looking. It comes to the point of being narcissistic. And people like me should learn to be more outward-looking instead. So I guess this will be one of the steps to becoming more "outward" looking, I hope......

1st December 2010

I realised it's been a while since I last blogged. Somehow I do not seem to have anything I wanna talk about of late, until today......

It's already the end of the year. It really scares me to realise how the year has slipped past my hands without anything much accomplished. I think I will be the most miserable person when I see Jesus face to face. I know He has given me a lot. But I really have used so little relative to it. I was just looking through some websites on self-improvement and I recall somewhat the drive and ambitions I had when I first started work. I was going for the world man. Now, I feel like some turtle or something with my head shrunk in my own little world, oblivious to what's happening around me.

From this I have gathered 3 conclusions:

1) Comfort zone is one of the biggest dream killers known to man, or maybe just me. Many aspects in my life I have settled for without much of a fight anymore, though I know I am bigger than that. Somehow, I just do not want to put in any effort to fight anymore for any thing.
2) I am not driven. I have been told that what I really lack is a vision. Maybe so. If so, the vision better be big enough to supply me with the strength to crawl out of my stupor. Right now, I question whether if I do get one in my life, would I wanna go through the rut of starting my engine all over again to make a go at it.
3) I am by nature lazy. Knowing all these about me and my character, I will not be surprised if I go home tonight and immediately dig out my library of blu-rays and dvds for a movie to watch.......

Point Noted!

City View

Dr Jonah Huang

Had the chance to play with a company's flap making machine for LASIK. It was really fun. Should have studied harder last time to become an eye doc.

 There's me learning how to assemble the probe

 Do not disturb! Surgery in progress

 Trying to lift the lasik flap

 That's the eye under the microscope. Okay! Lasik anyone?

My Birthday Weekend

Okie. I am officially 32 as of yesterday. I guess it's finally starting to affect me less relative to other issues I am facing now. I am glad and thankful for people who have spent time with me and made this birthday a good one. I really need to change my attitude and start appreciating people around me and not just concentrate on who I have lost. God help me to do just that.

Second Thoughts

I am concerned about my coming birthday. Feeling the "xianess" or maybe loneliness creeping up on me slowly but surely. I did something which I had to fight hard against but finally gave into last night. I tried to find out how J was doing. As much as I realise all is in the past, a side of me still wants to salvage the relationship, however impossible it may seem. Sigh, I hate the idea of not being able to fully enjoy my birthday and from the looks of it, every year might be something like this.

Well, since I am gonna suffer during this season, I have decided to do some serious retail therapy this coming saturday. First, I shall go for a hair cut. Then I shall go and shop for shoes. Then I shall go buy myself a mac book pro. Let's see what else I can do. Maybe squeeze in a massage? The neat thing about all these is not so much the items bought. It is the fact that I am only left with 200 for this month to spend. Ain't that exciting????? I don't know. I think life has become so monotonous that I need to seek such thrill. Did I mention that I desperately need help?

My Idol decades back

Never knew my good taste had been since the beginning of time. ;)

POM

So darn proud of myself. Managed to start on my dizi and my sax last night. Though it was a super bumpy ride, I am glad I started. Now all I need is enough discipline to keep me going for the rest of my life......

What Now, Brown Cow?

Feeling kind of low right now. Thinking of the meaning of life. Most will call it mid life crisis. Whatever I call it, the feeling's the same. There seems to be nothing to life but mere existence. Maybe I need a partner. Someone to distract me from facing this emptiness inside. The thought of me going through this year after year sounds really scary. This is certainly not what I want to live for. How long can I take this? I do not know. The temptation's there to go out and buy Buffy season 4 onwards. Think I can buy a little time with it. Maybe more Wii games. But what after that? In my life of trying to search for significance, I know when all these die down, the emptiness is still audible.

Sometimes knowing too much is not a good thing. It brings with it more responsibility. What makes it scarier is when you know what needs to be done but you do not have the strength nor the motivation to do it. So what is the conclusion? I do not know. All I know now is to do what I need to and want to do and see what happens next. So next, gym!

Hmmmm should I go?

Having second thoughts about going to Israel next year. Thinking about the financial part. If I do go, I would have to start saving now. Sigh, we'll see......

Back To Gymming

Think I surprised myself this time round when I realised I have not been to the gym for about a month already. Been using the excuse of my reno to skip gym sessions. Now that I am pretty much done with most of the packing, I have made the decision to hit the gym again tomorrow. Also need to start on my instruments as well. Arrrrghh, so much stuff to do, so little time and worse, no motivation!

A Joyous Occasion

Actually two to be exact. One, my best friend has officially become a father, as of yesterday. Wish his baby would have waited another 12 days to pop out. Then it would have been great. We can celebrate our birthdays together! Maybe not. I do not need another reminder every year that I am 32 years older than my best friend's son. Okie, we'll keep it as 2nd Nov then. I feel much better that way. ;)

Okay, second joyous occasion. I have been having dinner consistently with my mum! Yipeee! I know to most this would have been a given. But to me, it's a really big thing. My sis used to say me and my mum live together in a 6 room bungalow. Though we only live in a 3 room flat, it almost seems like it. Usually, mum would eat in her own room and I would eat whenever it's convenient for me. So we almost never ate together. During the reno, I made a resolution I would eat with her as often as I can and it has come to pass. In fact mum, me and maid would eat together quite often during the week. Now, the next would be dad. :( Oooops!

Hmmm

It's been a while since I last blogged. Been busy packing up my room post reno. It's amazing how much rubbish I have gathered through the years. Yet, I find it had to throw most of them away. Thinking back I really am grateful to God for all He has provided to me. If you asked me whether in the natural I could have all the things I am enjoying presently, I would have to tell you I can't. When I am totally done, I will post up some pics of my now furnished room. I love it.

Recounting God's goodness in regards to my present room, I recalled an incident my pastor shared some time ago. He recounted his life and talked about all that he desired, God gave to him. But he realised one thing after. All the satisfaction and fulfillment he thought "things" would bring to him did not deliver. I think I am realising the same thing. Despite my beautiful room, hotel-like toilet, 40-inch LED TV, Wii, etc, I realised it hardly brings me any excitement or thrill compared to last time.

I figure I have been through so much in life many "things" do not seem to matter anymore. As much as I am grateful being to have all these without going into a lifestyle of debt, it is really starting to dawn on me I want something more than material things. The next thing I can shoot for will be a car, but judging from the present circumstances, I will still feel as empty with or without a car. Of course, since I will feel the same way in either circumstances I would choose to feel empty with a car. ;) Smart right?

I hope I am starting to grow in wisdom. I can concur with the wise king Solomon who declared,: " Vanity, all is vanity." So what next, Lord?

Little Things I remember: "I farted!"

I was siting beside my dad. Think we were on our way to the Emporium or something. As we got ready to leave the car, I told my dad I smelled satay.

Dad: "不要闻！爸爸放屁!"

Errr, could have told me earlier.

DVDs anyone?

I doubt my sanity sometimes. But I suppose it's times like this that adds spice to my life. Just ordered in about 800 SGD worth of DVDs for my collection. DVDs anyone?

Wah Lau!

I thought that as I go about adding the finishing touches to my room and home, I would be overwhelmed with excitement. Unfortunately, it has not been so. Am I just tired or is there some other reason to it? I think I am starting to see more into what Jesus said when He talked about gaining the world but losing one's soul. I expected to return renewed and filled with a zest for life but I still seem to be dragging myself to do things. Okie, what am I to do?

I'm Back!

Actually I was back Sunday evening but have been busy with all the stuff that's been waiting for my attention. This trip has been both good and bad for me at the same time. Will write a little more as I clear up my chores......

** Worship

As I stood in worship just now, God's presence was so strong. It's been a while I last felt His presence so strong. And He was very specific. I was thinking of my room renovation and I felt Him say so strongly:"all you ever wanted I have given to you." I felt so touched by that. It is true. All I ever wanted (within His will of course)He has given to me in due time. Just feel so overwhelmed.
Thank you Father......

Sneaks

May I present to you...... my toilet!

A New Start

One of the things I am looking forward to is the new start when I return from the trip. Lots of things I will be starting again and possibly new things to try. In a sense I am excited. Yet with the excitement comes the knowledge that I have to push myself beyond my comfort zone a lot. Have really slaken a lot through the months and my legitimate excuse which has been my home reno is soon to be over. Really need wisdom in the things I wanna do. God, grant me insights and wisdom while I am serving You in Chang Mai. Amen!

Something New

I did something last night I did not think I would do. I signed up for a singing contest! Strange right? Felt that I really wanted to venture out in the music area and since this is a small scale contest, it might just be a good head start. Good thing the contest is in Jan, so I would have ample time to be prepared. Hmmmmm,.......

Funny

Guilty Conscience

I tried my best to stare straight into her eyes but I really found it tough. I had just showed my colleague cum friend the video I had posted earlier about Jaslyn Tay and her wedding video. She was touched by it I could tell. After that she turned around and told me God also has the best plan for me. I was a little taken aback. Had I known such a response would come about, I might not have shown her the vid in the first place.

But she was right and we both knew it. Under normal circumstances I would be able to stare at anyone in the eyes till the extent they become uncomfortable. But this time it was me on the receiving end. My heart had been so hardened to this truth I do not seem to believe it anymore. Then she emphasized her point again. For some reason, I knew I should continue to look her in the eyes. Maybe doing so would convince her I do agree with what she said. Or maybe it would give a front that I do not have a problem with that at all. But it was really tough. It's as if I had committed some heinous crime and standing in front of a judge or what.

In a sense I have. Having walked with God all these years and having seen all He has done for me and showered me with, I find it difficult to surrender this area of my life to Him. She then said another thing which sent chills down my spine. She said that I should surrender my life to Him and for all I know I would become Anthony number 2. Anthony was our supervisor who is a very staunch believer. He has left us to pursue some theological studies. Having spent a number of years under him, I am convinced he is one of the most exemplary in Christian living I have ever witnessed. So hearing what my colleague mention about me being Anthony 2 sure did not sit well with me. Just get me through the day having thought of God a couple of times would already be a breakthrough for me.

Having gone through all these emotions I know for sure this is one area I need to resurrect in. I start to see the wisdom in: "God gives His best to those who trust Him." Think I really have a looooooong way to go. Thank God He has not given up on me.

"Hold my hand Lord......"

Amazing Story

A must watch!

Funny

Certs

Was digging through some of my stuff and I discovered my massage certificates. My God! I have graduated for 4 years in my aromatherapy and 5 in holistic massage. How time flies!   :(

Can't Sleep Again!

Can't quite figure why I am up at 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Ever since I got up to pee I could not get back to sleep. Ah well, might as well start penning down my thoughts.

It's really time to start getting my life in order. So many things I really need to start or continue. I wonder why I find it so difficult to move on in other aspects of my life when just one aspect is out of whack. I thought for men it is easier to compartmentalize our lives so I should be able to work on different aspects though one is under major repair.

Things on the pipe line:
1) Start learning swimming.
2) Continue with my ever growing list of musical instruments to learn.
3) Continue with my gym. Starting to lose tone already. Arrghh!

Sigh, Chang Mai trip is in one week. Frankly, I am not the least bit keen in going. Think I mentioned that before. It's like I really have to force myself to do it. To me, God has been good to me and this is the least I can do for Him. Already halted in my service to God for the longest time. Really should consider starting to serve again. Okie, that adds to my pipe line list.

 4) Start serving God again.

Oh, I need to start saving as well. Gonna go Israel next March. Again, not too keen in going. Hmmm, seems like I am not in the mood for anything to do with God. Ooops.

Okay, at least one good thing that's happened is that part of my cupboard is up. Same for my toilet cabinet.

Only God knows exactly how long it took for these 2 items to be up in my room and how much pain it has caused in my emotions. My advise to all who are doing renovations: NEVER believe the time line they provide you with. NEVER pay them in full prior to completion of works. Gives you bargaining power if they haven't already earned enough from your previous payments. If possible, sign a contract with them with regards to the time line. The lesson I have learnt from these 2 or so months: NEVER be nice when dealing with them. ALWAYS be firm! Nuf said......

My Week

It has been a tough week for me. I have not felt so frustrated in a very long while. The feeling is really hard to describe but I thank God that this happens so seldom. Thank God I am recovering well too. It's amazing how one group of people can cause me such distress in my emotions. I am referring to my contractors who are doing up my place.

Trying not to bring up the details again to save my emotional well-being. But suffice to say, they have really given me hell for the amount my mum and I are paying them. Just grateful that it will soon be over, hopefully!

Interesting

Was looking at my stats in regards to people viewing this blog. I have people in Iraq, Romania and Italy reading pages from my blog. Hmmm.....

Mum BD Dinner 2

My five little nephews......

Mum's BD Dinner 1

Here are the pics!

 The flowers for my mama.

 Nice Right?

 My Family Pics

Will put up more pics soon......

Mum's Birthday Dinner

Last night, we celebrated mum's birthday at Sizzler' Suntec. Frankly, it's been a while I last saw mum so happy. Of course, the surprise mini party the night prior added to it. My aunt and cousins popped by on Sunday night to give mama a surprise party. Will post the video should I get a chance to.

To be frank I did not really enjoy last night but it was good nonetheless considering the fact the star of the night was not me. Couldn't help but feel like I did not belong somehow. Watching both families (my bro and my sis) bonding especially so for the kids, I felt a little awkward and lonely. Arr, think "lonely" is the right word. Again, the party was not about me so I shall not talk bout me anymore......

Managed to surprise mum a fair bit when I presented her with a bouquet of flowers. Apparently, to her this is the first time in her life she received flowers. After dinner, she was walking around outside the restaurant, seemingly parading her flowers. Frankly, I do not know if I should be proud or sad. I saw the look of content and smile of bliss on her face. The scene carried with it a joy that she appreciated her gift but with a tinge of grief realising that for a 61 year old woman not to have received flowers before (even from my dad).

I know she definitely enjoyed herself, having had her children and much more importantly her grandchildren with her during her birthday. I guess I should be content with that. Thank God for mum.

Little Things I Remember: At The Malay Barber Shop

Must have been less than 10 years old then.
Malay barber: "come boy let's play a game."
He spun me around twice on his chair and proceeded to cut my hair. Duh! What sort of game is that??

Jeremiah 29:11-14
11 For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome. 12 Then you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and heed you. 13 Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me[ as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. a 14 I will be found by you, says the Lord,......

It was only today I realized how important it is to fully trust that God has a good plan for me. For it is only with that belief I can come to God with full confidence to ask of him. I have mental assent that God only plans the best for me but deep down I know I do not trust Him fully. That's why I am so reserved in giving God my all and myself.

That has to change. I will sit on these verses till they really sink in......

God's Been Good

Was thinking a little of late. God's been good to me in the area of finance. I have never been rich but I can't remember occasions where I have lacked. Of course it would be nice to be able to afford a car but for now, it's not quite justifiable. Thus I conclude God has been good and faithful...... ;)

There's Something So So Wrong With Me

I do not know what's gottten into me of late but I seem to have lost all motivation for the gym. I have been consistently "gymming" for the last 2 years at least. It seems that about 2 weeks ago, I just started feeling like skipping gym. Really weird. What's going on?

My Message For Evangelistic Night In Chang Mai Has Been Born!

Lifegroup Last Night

It's funny how I have been writing a fair bit about lifegroup lately. As usual, I was not keen in going last night so I had to drag myself there. As usual I had no regrets turning up. My leader's wife Dawn was leading the session and I always enjoy listening to her. The way she explains things just make sense. The teaching session ended early and so she opened up the session for sharing. She then specifically requested to pray for four people there and I was one of them.

When it came to my turn to be prayed for, a number of people had words of encouragement for me. Guess I needed the most help. ;) Then Dawn did something quite unexpected. She got the four of us to stand in the middle of the group and told us that the whole lifegroup loves us and accepts us even if we are rotten. Felt quite encouraged. Guess this might be a place I can really sink my roots in. In fact, I would be meeting up with my leader and Dawn mid October. Let's see what comes out from that......

Games We Play

I was feeling quite 'xian' for the past few days prior while I was waiting for yesterday to finally arrive. I had planned it such that I would go down to my dad's place to settle his admin stuff. The story continues from that day when he tactlessly told me to use my common sense when settling his finances. It was a couple of days later I popped by his place to settle his admin stuff and I decided to write him a fax about my displeasure over his thoughtless words. As much as I did not feel too good for doing so, I felt the need to do so to prevent such occurrences from happening in the future. Much to my dismay I felt convicted after that. Yet I refused to budge because I felt justified in my actions and I make no apologies for them.

So I carried the feelings for a few days, waiting to see what would happen yesterday when I popped by dad's place. My dad did not call for a full week since so I expected to see a fax when I arrived. Surprisingly, there was nothing at the fax machine. Due to some urgent stuff I had to call him, but I did not get through. I ended faxing him and  he called back a while later. He was exceptionally nice and so was I. So I suppose it's okay on both sides. Funny the games that we play with each other.

My First Creation

Not bad right?

Thoughts

Went for a meeting for my Chang Mai trip last night. Learnt a new skill. Balloon sculpting! A friend was teaching it so that we could use it for the kids when we are there. Frankly I was not the least interested in learning it. But since we all got a chance to do a couple of balloons hands on I thought I might as well do it. Turned out to be quite fun. Was kind of worried the balloons might burst but I only burst one out of five so I guess it turned out fine.

Till now, I am still not too sure if I really wanna go on this trip. From what I remember, I kind of forced myself for the last one. I guess this one is no exception. Seriously, I would rather spend my time at home chilling. I think as I get older, I really am more averse to getting out of my comfort zone. The main reason I agreed to go was because a friend coaxed me into it. I figured that this might be last season we get to spend quality time together since his baby will be out soon. Things I would do for friendship. Sigh.

Will be doing teaching as well as playing the guitar for worship there. Feel prepared for none. I do not know how I am gonna survive there frankly. God, I need help!

Sometimes I yearn to be "normal" or to lead the "normal" life. I kind of miss those times when I would go to work during the day and go home to 'Buffy the vampire slayer' at night. Mundane I know, but comfortable. Nothing very much else to think or worry about. Or spend hours in front of a game console and just play my life away. Awesome! Think I am gonna set aside time to do just that soon. Gonna relive my old life again.

Think I am really too "responsible" in one sense. I kind of feel guilty whenever I spend too much time on other stuff than the "spiritual" stuff. Sometimes I look back and feel bad that I am no longer as fervent and serving as much as during my youth days. Those were the height of my glory so to say. Now, I would already be proud of myself if I consistently made it for lifegroup over a period of time. I am no longer serving anywhere except occasionally for lifegroup. When I look at people whom I met last night who have consistently gone to missions for the last twenty years or so, it really makes me feel guilty. Arrrghhh I am missing it somewhere!

Now, all I am contemplating about is what I want to do with my life in the natural. Wanna take up massage again and work as a masseur. Wanna join some singing contest and hopefully sing somewhere. Anything but the "spiritual". Oh God, is there any hope for me?

Control Freak!

I have come to this realization some time back. That I am a control freak. At least towards my mum. Mum was supposed to have a follow-up appointment today for her eye post-op and sis was supposed to bring her there. But she refused and insisted on going on her own. Considering the fact she had a major eye op just a couple of days ago that is a big no no. After hearing from my sis I was pissed. It really goes beyond all logic. My sis later smsed a note saying that it's time to let go. That's so true.

Thinking back I have really been a control freak of sorts. I'll be trying to get my mum to do things I deem are good for her. At times I would even make decisions for her. The funny thing is that my own life is in some way out of control yet I am trying to control someone else's. Well, I guess I would totally detest someone else trying to control my life and make decisions for me so I guess it's time for me to stop. "Die, control freak! Die!"

Improve Anyone's Self-Esteem By Watching This Vid!

Bearing My Soul

Think I am in a complaining mood today. Guess I am just tired out by all the emotional battles I have been fighting of late. The worst part of it is that I don't see light at the end of the tunnel or as one man put it, there is light at the end of the tunnel but it is another train. Yet, there is this realisation that when God moves, He can clear everything up faster than I can shout Hooray.

So the battle rages on. Two verses I can't seem to get my mind off today are the ones I mentioned in the previous post.

James 1:2-4 says  Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

Romans 5:3-4 says  We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 

Wish it was some victory verse I am led to meditate on today. But anyway, God is still good and faithful. He watches over me. Always have, always will......

Bad Day

Been feeling off today. I attribute it to the incident with my dad that happened late this morning. It's amazing how he, being in Taiwan, could have caused me so much frustration right here in Singapore. I wanna save myself from opening the wound so I shall not try to retell the story but suffice to say I felt quite hurt from the incident. I struggle within cos on one hand I have the intention of telling him off and setting things straight and yet on the other I am not too sure I am doing the right thing. Guess hanging between the two has caused me to be in a state of limbo. I haven't had a moment of peace since. I really feel me bottling it up is not gonna help in our relationship and yet I seem to fear the repercussions of what I intend to do.

Right now, I already have a number of stuff on my mind and having recovered somewhat from a super big episode in my life, I really don't feel I am up to handling anything pertaining to this issue. I guess God pretty much warned me about my day when I just could not move on from meditating James 1:2-3 and Romans 5:3-4 which talks about trials and tribulations. It's funny cos I simply cannot imagine me going up to my dad and telling him straight in the face (or even over the line) that what he said hurt me. It's tough to say the least. Sigh. Maybe I should just start being upfront with my feelings with him whenever I can. If he accepts me, so be it. If he doesn't, that's just too bad. Hmmmm, decisions decisions decisions!

COMMON SENSE!

What next Lord?

Been feeling quite stretched of late. It's a miracle I could lay down so many things almost all at once for God. I am not gonna say it's been easy. In fact, it's almost depressing trying to lay things down because I know God is not pleased with them. But, as I already figured, if I was going to be depressed both ways, I may as well be depressed doing God's will. Still trying to find out what it means by 'His grace is sufficient'. Seriously, I have no idea how I am going to go on like this. There is an intense ache in my heart whenever I choose to do what's right. And now, I am walking on egg shells so to speak. Every step is uncertain and unsteady. Can I take another fall? Can I climb back up again? Can I walk on on this narrow path. Why does it have to be me? Is there no easier way? I may not have come close compared to some who may have suffered physically for God, but I can sure relate to Kathryn Kulman's famous line:"I have died a thousand deaths".

Okay, enough of the emo stuff. Let's end this off with a scripture, a scripture I hope to live and realise the fullness of in the light of all my afflictions right now......

2 Corinthians 12:9,10 says,......
"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

 ¹⁰Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Friday's Lifegroup

Lifegroup on Friday was sort of a first for me in a sense it is the first lifegroup I have attended which there was sort of a house cleaning. At the end of the sharing, my leader George was talking about why certain individuals left the lifegroup and church. Because I knew the individuals involved, it brought about mixed feelings in me.

One side of me seemed to enjoy the "gossipy" element in the whole thing. I can see why people like to gossip. It just seems to satisfy some part of us to know "hidden" things about others. ;) But another side of me felt that maybe a lot of things could be left alone since it was out in the open the individuals involved. Having said that, I could see where my leader was coming from. There were rumors going around as to why the individual left and if both sides of the story were not told, it seems natural the side which tells the story would seem right.

As usual, I would leave my lifegroup early to go back to rest but during my little stroll home, a lot thoughts and scriptures came to mind in regards to the house cleaning during lifegroup......

For one, I try to make it a point to take a neutral stand when it comes to issues between people. The reason is simple. Humans err and there is no instance where someone can really tell you 100% of the truth 100% of the time. By the time an incident goes into a person and is regurgitated out, the contents are usually different at varying levels. Also, the first side to tell their side of the story will always seem right (Proverbs 18:17). Even if I do get to hear both sides of the story, only God knows all the intricate details which we can only guess. So, rather than to make a wrong judgement, I prefer to just stay neutral.

Next, I try my best to mind my own business. Proverbs illustrates it well when it says: "Like one who takes a dog by the ears is he who passes by and meddles with strife not belonging to him." (Proverbs 26:17) I rhink sometimes we meddle too much into others' business when it does not concern us one bit. You know jolly well if you take a dog by the ears you are in for bite and thus the point made is really simple. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

Another gem from the book of Proverbs: "The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, and they go down into the innermost parts of the body." Ooooh. That's scary. Sometimes I wonder why it's difficult to shake an impression of someone off though I may not have actually conversed with that person before. More often than not, I might have heard about that person prior to meeting him/her. The impression would then stick with me though I may find after getting to know the person that he/she may not be what I heard about in the first place. I attribute it the the principle above. So, as much as I can, I avoid such things.

I think sometimes we value being politically correct higher than the wisdom God prescribes. When someone comes with a "whisperer" or "gossiper" kind of spirit, instead of telling them frankly we do not want to hear about such stuff, we just give in and humor them. As a result, the slime of those stuff rubs off on us and defiles us and the relationship we have with others. So, it's time to stop all these nonsense and avoid them as much as we possibly can......

I Realised Something Bout Myself

I somehow knew this all along but I guess it became a little more obvious today. Think I always want to be fully prepared before I make the jump for anything in life. I guess it's good in one way and bad in another. It seems to be really difficult to be fully prepared and I think that's what makes me not want to venture out. I am always waiting for that moment which does not seem to come. After all, you can never be overly prepared, well at least in my estimation.

I suppose I have to learn to take calculated risk sometime in life. If not, I'll forever be in the same spot. And stagnating's not good. Yea, that's not good. Okay, time to get back into the real world. Errr, that's kind of risky and I do not think I am not ready for it. Let's do it another time....... ;)

Going The Distance

Had the chance to catch this movie today with my colleagues. The plot was okay. Surprisingly, Drew Barrymore still looks quite good. The acting was good. My only gripe was that the movie was full of vulgarities. Other than that, I think this comedy's quite a good catch.

Inspirational

There are lots of videos that entertain but not too many that inspire. I stumbled upon one such video while reading a newsletter a while ago. I am left speechless and at the same time humbled as I listened to the story that you will soon watch.

How many times have we put limits on ourselves that were not supposed to be? I pray that the video you are about to watch will inspire you and me and continue to do so. I am starting to see some truth in Adidas' slogan "Impossible is nothing".

Decisions decisions

Have been thinking of going back to music lessons aggressively after my reno. Thinking of taking up violin as well. Ambitious right? Very. I figure that if I cannot put my time to good use anyway I may as well do something constructive with it. Certainly beats giving my mind too much time to get emo and finally go down the wrong path again. Too much heartache. Not worth it at all. Hmmm, okay something to carefully consider......

Phil 4:19

Says: And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

 That's my verse for meditation today. I really feel I have a strong need emotionally for a soul mate for a while already. And that is what God will supply. Amen!

Frustrated!

I had to spend some time praying in tongues before I could calm my mind down just now. Sometimes I wonder whether is it my expectations that are too high, or common sense is no longer common nowadays. Was having issues with my contractor in regards to my room reno these few days. I find it hard to believe that I pay hard earned money to people who solve my problems and yet they don't do so, or do so in such a bad way.

I wanted a sliding panel in my toilet and my contractor, after going back and forth with me could only offer me a white set. I refused to accept that because I myself have personally seen a silver one before. I decided to check out with some suppliers on my own and the very first one I phoned could offer me a variety of colors to choose from. That got me really pissed. Do I have to pay for something and yet source for it on my own? Hmmm, I thought the contractors are supposed to have more contacts than I do? So tomorrow I'll have to go down personally to Katong to see what they can offer me. WTF! So does the contractor pay me instead since I am doing his job for him?

Sometimes I wonder to myself if I am too demanding or unreasonable. My conclusion is simple. I deserve what I pay for and their service is simply crap to say the least. I find it detestable for people to want to offer a service, charge for it and not deliver. Please, go bust for goodness sake. Businesses like yours does not deserve to be doing well at all. :(

Lesson Today

Had a stretching but enjoyable vocal lesson today. It was fun and Alice has always been very encouraging. Towards the end of the lesson we were chatting about her student prior to me. She was from City Harvest and she had a really beautiful voice. Then I commented that life is unfair implying that some people seem to just have great voices while people like me have to work so hard to attain some success in it.

What she replied to my comment was kind of interesting. She said something to the effect that your life is in your own hands. That spoke volumes to me. Loads of thoughts went past my mind in that moment. In one sense I agreed with her but yet in another I begged to defer.

In the context of what we were talking about, it is a fact that some people just have a good voice to start with. Yes they may need a little polishing and smoothening but the foundation is pretty much there. While there are others, who may have had years of training and yet not really get even close to the former. See my point?

Then we came to another point, which was accepting oneself. That's another biggie to me. Accepting myself just as I am, and not being judgmental with myself. Hmmm, seems like I learn much more than singing whenever I go for my vocal class. Thanks Alice......

Expectations

Was thinking back to the recent KL trip I made with my church friend. He is 12 years younger than me. Yet we had so much fun together. Was trying to figure out why. One of the reasons I think is probably due to expectations. I guess I went, not expecting much from him. We could talk about almost anything under the sun. Sorry, I know I sound random. Just can't seem to pen down what's going through my mind. :(

My Bad Experince In Kl

Rather than try to rewrite my story and get myself all worked up again, I thought I'd just post my complaint letter to the hotel and I suppose it'll tell the story......

Dear Sir/ Mdm,
       I write with great disappointment in regards to the service rendered in Senspa, the massage parlour of your hotel. I went down for a massage with a friend on the 21st at around 8:30 p.m. When I was near done with the massage your masseur asked if I wanted "extra" service to which I declined. I expected the conversation to end there but she did not relent. She continued her attempt to coax me to take up the service to which I even had to give her reasons why I did not want her services. She even asked me sensitive questions and we even ended up talking about religion before she gave up on pushing the service on me.

       I left feeling humiliated and embarrassed. I came with the intention of feeling relaxed and I left with absolutely negative feelings. It is hard to believe that such a reputable hotel like yours can offer such services to your clients. This is my second stay with your hotel with the intention of making it my hotel of choice whenever I am in Kl. But with such experiences I do not see why I should continue to do so. This is an embarrassment both to me and to your hotel. I sincerely hope that some form of action will be taken against the spa for offering such services, or you can be sure this will be the last you hear from me. I will also not hesitate to tell my experience on internet reviews when it comes to your hotel.

Back From Kl

Noooooo, I am back! Sigh, had such a good time I did not wanna come back. Went with a church friend Caile. We ate, shopped (a little) and watched movies! Overall, everything went great except for one incident which was quite traumatic for me. Will write about it soon I hope.

 View from the room......

 Us at dinner time......

 We actually took time to work out!

 Nothing surprising to see guys so messy right?

 Caile facebooking, and so was I......

 The city at night......

We caught 2 movies! Each at RM 10 each! At peak hours!