A New Start?

I did something very brave today, or at least I think it is. I deleted J's number from my contact list in my handphone. Took a lot out of me but I finally did it. Not for the first time though. I deleted it once not too long ago. When I realised that I still had J's number under the call list, I immediately restored the number. Not this time though. I was very sure that J's number's not in any list on my phone. So I guess its gone for good. Think it took a lot out of me as well when I deleted all J's smses. Though I have deleted them for quite some time now, snippets of it still linger in my mind. 'The other J', 'Good night', 'I am glad that you spoke to your dad', ...... All the feelings associated with the words still linger around as well.

It's kind of funny. I knew all along that the chances of J ever contacting me again is zilch or at least close to it yet I refused to delete away J's contacts. It's as if it gives me a glimmer of hope leaving the number around somewhere. Anyway, practically all means of contacting J is gone. J is pretty much history, more so physically than mentally and emotionally. As I was ending the day at work, was feeling super lonely again. Came back feeling depressed. Good thing I managed to make progress in my piano so that took away some attention. Actually I can remember a mandarin song that very much fits what I was feeling not too long ago. It was sung by 张惠妹. The title is called 真實.



 Somehow the lyrics seem to fit very much my feelings. Anyway, I am feeling very much better now, so I shall not go in that direction anymore. Till the next time,......

Sunday

Was wondering what to start with for this blog entry. Guess I would start with yesterday. Missed gym cos I was trying to catch up with my instruments. For some reason, I am starting to find that I am holding on to too many instruments at a time. Problem is that I still have 2 or 3 more instruments to add to my arsenal before I decide to quit. Think I should go into music full time man. Hmmm, need to psycho my mum to work harder. Maybe can get her to sponsor me or something. Lol. Okay, I will KIV this thought. Nope not the psychoing my mum part but maybe dropping some instruments in the meanwhile.

Went for music practice in the afternoon. Was quite overwhelmed with the difficulty of what I had to play for today. Then I started to get irritated cos of this guy called Julian. A little embarrassed that his name starts with J as well. Actually he is a nice guy by nature. But he is darn irritating I must say. He talks crap most of the time, racks jokes that ain't funny and likes to add funny sounds for one of the praise songs that we were doing today. Wonder why the worship leader was ok with it. By the end of the practice I was almost fuming with frustration. I must admit though that Julian was probably just one of the triggering factors and not the only one (though he certainly has the potential to be one). Think I was envious of my worship leader as well. He came in with his gf and for some reason that triggered some feelings that should not have been. Yap so the story goes on. So by the end I was 'black faced' and my worship coach could see it. Think he thought that I was just being stressed by him. Actually not. Was quite happy to be trained by him. Nice person. Super duper skills in many instruments. My idol! :)

Went back from the practice feeling really lonely. My coach was so kind to give me a lift home. So as I went to grab my dinner prior to heading home, I walked past J's block again. I wonder why I always do that when I am nearby. Okay, no need to wonder. The answer is pretty obvious. And if I really see J face to face, what would I say? "Errrr, hi J. Though I still don't think it's my fault but I still miss you so much. Can we still be friends?" Or maybe I would get so emotional that I would probably break into tears before I can even speak. The latter more likely. Neither of which would help I believe. I have put myself in J's shoes. If I do not like a person, no matter what the person does or says, I don't think I would easily change my mind about it. So I suppose it would probably be the same with J. Guess I probably do not want to face the possibly of being rejected again. The first almost killed me. Don't think I can take a second. As I told a colleague, if a 2 week relationship could devastate me to such an extent, if the relationship was a 2 month or 2 year one, there probably would not be any blog left for anyone to read.

Not to say that I have not contemplated suicide before. After all, there seems to be no meaning to life at all when the person I so wanna be with does not feel the same towards me, not to mention ignore me. But thank God I do have some sanity left. I also believe that there are a number of people who are on their knees (okay maybe not literally, but you get the point) praying for me to return to sanity. So I guess God is not about to let me throw in the towel. You see, it is really funny. Overall, I must admit that I am doing pretty okay practically every area of my life. Got a decent career. Good quality friends who really care bout me. Good family. Good church. Only thing that is bothering me is my love life. Going by percentage I suppose I should be pretty happy and content with life. But I catch myself sighing away very often. I won't be surprised that I might be sighing soon more out of habit than because of worries. Somehow that one aspect of my life has become so big that it has clouded everything else.

Maybe its the fact that I have hit 30 that's scaring me. Or maybe its the fact that most of my contemporaries are attached or married. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't wanna be alone. Whatever the reason is, it does not justify me becoming the way I have become. There is more to life than just physically being with someone. I need to get out of this stupor. And soon. For now, I really can't see light at the end of the tunnel.

Errr, I thought I was supposed to talk bout yesterday. Hmmm, seems that J has been haunting my thoughts too much. Lol. Anyway, I am no longer in the mood to continue. Gotta go practice my piano and stuff. Will blog again soon and hopefully there would be something good to talk about, like J is dead or something. KIDDING!!!!! :)

Complaints

My colleague told me just now that he has been reading my blog weekly and most of it has been complaints. Hmmm, he's right and I am about to blog another complaint. Been so busy today! And tired as well. After work I am gonna go gym and go for my dizi class as well. Arrhhhh! Oh God, I wonder how am I gonna get through the rest of the day man. Just volunteered myself to play keyboard for this Sunday but I doubt I would have any time to practice man. Class tonight, dinner tomorrow. That leaves me with only Saturday to practice. Arrrhhhh. Time, such a precious commodity....... Okay, done with my complaining. Lol. Well, things are starting to look brighter so hopefully, my blogs will have less and less complaints along the way......

God Help ME!

Think I am on a slow road to recovery. But at least I am recovering (I hope). Well, at least I thought so till yesterday I saw J again. I was at the traffic junction waiting to cross when J drove past. How was I so sure? First J drives my favourite car down to the color. Then I saw the liscence plate. I remember SJC...... Think it was about 8 10 or something. You see I happen to stay between J's place and workplace. How convenient right? Most of my day was ruined. A lot of memories started flashing back which I found hard not to give attention to. Then the feelings started flowing again. Oh S**t!

Thankfully, there was quite a fair bit of work so I manage to get distracted a bit. God, I wonder how long more must this go on. Sigh. In any case, I guess I can or should see those as good memories instead of concentrating on the fact I have lost J. J will always be a good friend no matter what...... Now I am praying for J to be saved. So even though I might not be with J here we would still meet one day in God's kingdom. And at that time, J can forget about avoiding me ever again. Ha ha......

What's With Me?

I don't know but I realised that I am starting to appreciate more and more the people around me. Seems that everyone's nicer to me of late. I wonder why. Whatever the reason, I am grateful to everyone. People can be one's greatest source of pain, yet they can be one's greatest source of joy as well. On my part, I wanna treat people better as well, whether I like them or not. After all, Jesus died, not for the economy, not for the government, not for a system but for people......

A Different Sunday

Today was a pretty good day for me. My duty in church went pretty well. Was doing my rounds at the sound console and nothing major happened! Whew. Did my duty with Macus and we got to chat a little and slacked a little as well. Thank God my boss (ministry leader) was not around. :)

After duty I joined the youths for lunch and met up with my colleague for the movie 'up'. Must admit that I was not too interested to watch it at first. Seemed pretty boring and kiddish to me. But I must say that I quite enjoyed the show quite a lot. Other than for the fact that there was a moronic kid sitting a couple of seats away who was giving most of the scenes away but talking loudly about what would happen next. Like anyone was interested in listening to him. Moron! Oh and there was a kid sitting right behind me who was kicking the chair I was resting on. Dumbass. Sometimes I wonder who should be punished, the kid or the mum who only knew to verbally tell her 'NO' while she was still constantly kicking the chair. I suppose the mum's a dumbass as well. Oh well, back to the point that the movie was quite enjoyable. The only reason I watched it was that I promised my colleague that we would watch it together. Okay, no regrets.

After the movie we had dinner at Xin Wang Hong Kong Cafe at Yishun, both hers and my favorite cafe. It was quite a good time. Sort of expected her to bring up the topic about my rebellion against God. And I was right, she did bring it up. And nope I was not angry or whatsoever. In fact I respected her for that. I think it really takes love and courage to tell a person straight in the face what you know they need to hear though you know that may well be the last thing they want to hear.

I thank God for friends in my life like SL (the babe on the left). With people like that praying for me and watching over me, I don't think God will let me rebel for long. Think He will drag me out of it if He has to when friends like that keep interceding for me. SL was really nice. Knowing bout my thing with J, she took over my duties at a clinic just next to J's block so that I will not be reminded of J whenever I am there. Only problem is that I think of J whether I am there or not! LOL. But her gestures have really touched my heart. Friends like that are really hard to come by. Thanks SL, I love you......

I Miss J, again

Hmmm, I thought guys are logical minded. Either I am not quite guy enough or I was wrong. So wrong. It's been at least a month since J started to ignore me and I hardly feel my feelings for J waning much at all. OMG, how long am I going to be tortured and punished for my mistake? Is it fair for me to bear all this? I choose to think and believe that it was also difficult for J to come to a decision to end our friendship. Afterall, I am quite a nice person, I think. :) Logically, to move on with life should not be too difficult considering that it was a slightly shorter than 2 week friendship. Why have I become so emotionally attached to a person in 2 weeks? 2 WEEKS!

Can we reverse time? Can we go back to the day we just met? Can we just go back to the enjoyable conversations over the phone? Can we just go back to the simple dinner at the club? Can we forgo expectations over each other? Why could I not see that earlier? Why could I not let certain issues go since they were not even comparable to the friendship J & the other J (me) were starting to forge? What happened to being the first person to try out J's game? What happened to practicing sax together? What happened to coming over to my place to hang out when my reno is done? What happened to going to see Da Vinci exhibition together? What happened to going to the movies together? What happened to going to Taiwan together? What happened to having lunch together? What happened?

Needless to say, it's all over, at least to J. For me, I wish I could say the same but my emotions would far from agree. For the last 4 weeks I really had to force myself not to contact or 'harass' J anymore. I smsed once to explain myself. I also called once but the call was not answered. That was all. Tried to put myself in J's shoes. Don't think I would like to be contacted ever again by someone whom I wanna have nothing to do with. So I endured and I endured. I surprised myself that I could hold out so long. Am tempted again to contact J but I will resist. As much as I feel unjustified and frustrated, I can only wish J all the best. This is the right thing to do......

For the record, I ended up doing cardio instead. :) Seems like many things in life end up different from what we so plan and hope for. I plan to do lower body today, let's see if it ends up so. Lol.

Upper or Lower Body?

Gonna go gym later after work today. Should I do upper body today or lower body today? Hmmmm, do I want bigger chest or bigger legs? Bigger chest? Bigger legs? Bigger chest? Bigger legs? Bigger chest? Bigger legs? Okay, bigger chest it shall be today......

I think I like Myself

Was just looking through some of my earlier blogs (like in April & May), before the drama of my life came on. Found them quite interesting. My sis had told me a number of times that I am quite good at expressing myself through writing. Think I am starting to agree with her. Also, after reading my blog I started wondering how people could dislike me. I am such a nice person! Okay, crap aside. Time for lunch...... :)

Busy day

Sigh, just done with a busy day. Doing night clinic as well tonight. I thought that my afternoon would be quite free so I could even squeeze in a gym session prior to my night session. What novelty! Was so packed till I had a delayed dinner and my colleague had to stay later than norm to cover me while I munched on something. Thanks Shih Chia!

Sometimes I wonder if busyness is a good thing. Felt a little stressed as I was trying to get stuff done today. But I guess that's good in a sense that I can be distracted from thinking of you know who..... Hmmm, so I guess for now, too much free time is a no no for me.

Of late, I feel that God has been getting more and more successful at getting through to me. I seem to be thinking a little straighter than before. Well, other than 2 nights ago when I accused God of being a mean God or something to that effect. Oh, don't tell me that you have never thought of it before. The diff is that I verbalised my thoughts while you have not. In any case God has heard your thoughts as well (thunder and lightning in the background)! I told God that He is mean and that I hated Him (even more intense thunder and lightning in the background)! :)

Well, no excuse for that. I was trying to be as candid with God as I could. Was feeling so frust with the fact that I could not have what I so yearned for in my life. Anyway gotta go man, its time to go home and REST! Wooho!

Friday Evening

I think Friday evening was a pretty memorable one for me. First was a dinner with my dad. He was flying yesterday to Taiwan to settle some stuff so we decided to have dinner together prior to him leaving. Usually he would be with his wife but Friday he came alone. Was a little worried cos his wife was usually the 'conversation generator'. He would usually just eat and just add in bits of the conversation here and there. So when I realised that his wife was not there, I thought that it was gonna be a quiet dinner. But thankfully, we did chat a little. It was superficial stuff but I suppose that we have to start somewhere. Hopefully, in time to come we can have a more meaningful relationship.

After dinner, I met up with Caleb. Been wanting to spend time with him for a while already. Also wanted to update him with the happenings in my life of late. Actually it was a little scary cos it involved a fair bit of sensitive stuff which I did not know how Caleb would take it. Thank God everything went fine. Really glad that I made myself vulnerable to Caleb. I suppose that's friendship: trusting each other enough to be vulnerable to each other. Thanks Caleb for being such a friend to me. I appreciate this friendship that we have together. :)

16th Aug

Hmmm, what to talk about today? Actually I do have a fair bit on my mind. Think I will start on how today went. Not too bad. Managed to get a fair bit done. Went to the club early this morning to get my work out done. Was thrown a little off course initially. There was a marathon this morning so the bus I took had to change route a couple of stops away so I ended walking quite a fair bit to reach the club. Pity those who were waiting for the bus. I bet they were not informed...... The work out went fine. Managed to push myself a little despite the fact that I was not really up to it physically (due to the super long walk) and emotionally (think you probably know who I was thinking of).

After that I rushed off to church. It was pretty cool. They had this jewish guy who led the praise and worship as well as preached. The praise and worship was very jewish (duh!) and I enjoyed it. In fact during the first song, I felt God touching me already. Needed it badly man. Thank you Lord. :) Bumped into my pastor during lunch. He said that he wanted to catch up with me. Ooops, not too sure if I was in 'shape' man. Ha! He told me that I was on his heart for a while already. Hmmmm, how sweet. Yap, it would really be nice to catch up with him. I always enjoy my time with him. He is one person whom I know loves me and accepts me for who I am. Not too sure if I am excited about it but I guess God is up to something this time round......

After everything, I headed home to rest and to practice music. I have been out most of the week and have not really touched my stuff very much. The practice would have been much smoother had I not had J too much on my mind. But I pushed myself. Life still goes on with or without J. Wish it was with J though...... Not too bad, I did pretty much everything. My dizi, sax, piano, guitar and even my singing! If only I could do this everyday. :)

昨晚

昨晚跟陪圆一起吃晚餐和喝茶。跟好朋友在一起的感觉真好。虽然我昨天的心情不是说很好。其实我都忘了我几时心情好满旧了。自从J不理我过后我很象心情都没有一天好过。我知道我很傻，可是感情上的东西我真的拿他没办法。跟男性的朋友说了之后，他们总是说＂MOVE ON＂。说得导容易。跟女性讲，至少她们还会讲＂I UNDERSTAND＂。 有时我也不知如何是好。两个星期的友情好象两年的感情这样难忘。现在在说也是多余得。

第一次

感觉怪怪的。从来没用过华语来写blog。可是总会有第一次。其时我是不习惯用华语沟通。可是自从任识J之后就比交长用了。我知道我有可能已经写错了很多字希望大家不要见怪。希望来临的日子里，我的华语会越来越好。

Holiday

Managed to spend some time with my sis over lunch and tea today. I know that I always say this but I really appreciate and enjoy the times spent with her. I know the contents that I share with her may not always sound right or make sense to her(especially nowadays) but she will make the effort to listen to me. A listening ear which I so need for now. So glad that I can share practically everything with her. For those of you who do not have a sibling who is like my sis, my sympathies go out to you. :) Great! I consider this a holiday well spent.

What to say

Thought that I would try one more time to contact J. Called but J did not answer. I suppose this IS the end? Did not want to play games so I decided to call with my handphone so that J would know exactly who is calling. Hmmmm, I guess it can't get any clearer than that. Okie, I think its is really time to move on...... with tears that is......a broken heart...... and alone as well......

Death

Been hearing a fair bit of people dying at a pretty young age. 40+ 30+ and even 20+ as well. Nowadays it seems that people just go at any age. I wonder sometimes if people knew when they would leave, would they have lived their lives differently. As much as I wanna trust God for a long life on earth, I sometimes wonder if there is any purpose to. I can understand why some people choose to leave prematurely by suicide. I had this girl friend who committed suicide when she was bout 22 or 23, if I remember correctly. Used to think it was really foolish of her to have done that. I still agree that it was a foolish thing to do but with all the emotional upheavels of late, I can't help but rethink my paradigm......

A Fresh Start

Something unexpected happened. For some reason, I seem to be quite over J. Thought that it would take a long while for me to revert to norm. Today, I was pretty back to my 'normal' self, characterised by cracking jokes bout everything, talking nonsense, making fun of people, acting comical, etc. For the past couple of weeks, I was pretty much in depression so I was most of the time solemn which was kind of weird to my colleagues. Even my supervisor commented today that I am back to normal.

Do I still miss J? Sure I do. In fact, when my phone alerts me about a sms, unconsciously I would wish it was J. Also, I started learning this song that J likes, hoping to be able to play it for J one day. To me, its really hard to find someone with such similarities. We can chat for hours without end. We have similar likings. Only thing is that I do not speak jap (though I have been yearning to learn). J even drives my favorite car down to the color! So I still do find it a waste and I would love to at least have J as a friend if all else fails. Anytime J wants to, we can sart again where we left off. I have no qualms about that. Anyway, there is only so much I can do.....

But I sure am glad that I can start fresh. Depression definitely does not feel good. Worse when I can't seem to snap out of it. Thank God for His grace. For those of you who have been keeping me in your prayers, you have my heartfelt thanks......

mY cHALLENGES nOW

1) To learn and master sight reading for my piano. Been pushing it off for too long.
2) To get better with my guitar playing. Still not a part of me yet.
3) To be more fluent with my dizi and to expand my keys.
4) To master singing disengaging from the throat as much as possible. Makes my singing mellow.
5) To forget J. Though it was only a 2 week friendship, J seems too much a part of me.