Ryan

is a young patient of mine (bout 6-7 years old). He is a cute boy in a very unfortunate circumstance. His left eye is blind and his right eye has very bad vision. After wearing glasses of about 900 degrees short-sightedness and 200 degrees of astigmatism, he needs to stand at 6 metres to see what a normal person can see at 38 metres. And he has a whole life ahead of him.

His mum was buying spects from us and was telling me and a colleague about how generous he was compared to his brother. She told us that whenever he had any money he would always give to charity whereas his brother would only give away a very small sum compared to what he had. Mum was telling us how she had to teach him that he should keep some as a form of savings for himself. When asked if he had a hundred bucks how much he would give away, he would reply all whereas his brother would only give five.

As I look at him, I really feel love towards him. Young, simple and trusting. The reason he said that he would give all was that he did not need any. What a big heart! He knows he's taken care of and thus he can be generous to others. How many of us can really say that despite the fact that we have a God Who takes care of us and loves us? Food for thought......

** Looking Back 2009 Part 2

Hmmm. There are a couple of things I am quite proud of in this year and many others I am not proud of. Ooops.......

Proud......
1) Been consistent in a) gymming.
                                b) blogging.

Ashamed......
1) Slacking in a) work.
                     b) music.
                     c) spending time with God.
                     d) reading and studying the bible.
                     e) taming my emotions.
                     f) savings.

2010. What do I want to do/ see?
1) lead worship in church.
2) stick to and concentrate on all my current instruments: 1) Piano 2) Guitar 3) Sax 4) Dizi 5) Vocal
3) consistency in spending time with God and the word. Study.
4) renewed motivation at work. Growth at work.
5) more travelling to see the world.
6) spending more time with my loved ones/ friends.
7) learn freestyle and if possible butterfly.
8) less time at gym.
9) kiv massage.
10) save more, possibly to buy a car.  :)

Seats In The Train

I think finding a seat in the train is mostly overated. Unfortunately I seem to be one of the few who believe that. Don't get me wrong. I believe there are people who really need the seats in the train. Unfortunately, I don't think they are the ones who end up getting them.

You'll be amazed sometimes at how fast people can be when it comes to attempting to get seats for themselves. With the speed they display, its really hard to convince me that they desperately need the seat. In fact, the ones who need then seats are probably the elderly (who are generally slower) and the pregnant ladies. So they would generally be the ones who lose out. After all, why would someone give up the seat they fought so hard and went through so much stress to obtain?

What's more irritating is that people are desperate to get seats just to last them for a couple of stops. Will it really kill just to stand for a few stops? With the shape and the general lack of exercise a typical Singaporean has, SMRT should not offer seats at all. After all, if most who are need them will not get them, we might as well all stand. To be fair, there are many kind souls who offer up their seats to the needy. But for the fact that we are praising them is a shame in itself. It should be so norm that it is not worth mentioning. Okay, enough of complaining......

** Looking Back 2009

I suppose now is pretty much the time to look back to the happenings and learnings of 2009. A friend asked my a couple of days ago about how 2009 went for me. My immediate response was it did not go well. I find it difficult to lie and I do not like to give cliche answers when I don't mean them. When I was pondering it again at the club today I actually realised that this year has been a really really good year. For those who know what I am going through and have gone through the past year, you may think I sort of lost it. But seriously, other than the emotional part, I can truthfully say I have had a blessed year and I will elaborate further to see if I am right or I have really lost it......

1) Throughout this year, especially for the later part, God has touched my heart in very tangible ways. I have had a lot of emotional releases. All these despite my downright rebellion against Him and His ways. God has been faithful to hold me through most of the toughest times for me emotionally. Many times through this year, I really felt I would have crumbled under the weight of the emotional catastrophes that came my way. But now I am still standing. Weak still but very much alive. Trust me, had temptations to make it to the obituary page...... To God: sorry for the pain I caused you. Sorry for the times I chose a person instead of you. You could have left me to my own devices but You intervened time and time again to save me from myself. I can't guarantee the rest of my journey will be walked in total obedience. I have already broken so many promises I have made You that I am afraid to make another one. One thing I do know, is that You will never let me go. And on that fact I will lean really hard. Thanks for everything God. Many things I do not understand now, but one day I will and I know I will regret on that day I have not trusted Your Father's heart enough. Love You Father......

2) I discovered some really beautiful friendships. People who knew about my challenges and yet accepted me as I was. I did not face any discrimination or despise from any of the friends whom I confided in. Some were my colleagues and some were church friends.
To Caleb: thanks for being someone whom I could trust my secrets with. Thanks for not condemning me and being there for me. Love you. 
To Siew Lian: thanks for being so considerate of my circumstances and changing me out of AMK clinic for a period of time. Thanks for praying for me to repent. Don't know if I have fully repented but I know God had been on my back because of your prayers and I know He doesn't relent......

3) I found a best friend in my sis. Someone who was willing to walk the journey with me through my pain and joy, all without judging me but loving me and accepting me throughout. Reading my blog regularly to make sure I am still okay. :) All the encouragements and affirmations I hold deep in my heart. To Sis: just because we are siblings does not give me a right to expect all that you've done for me. As much as my challenges have made us closer in our relationship, there's a part of me that really feels bad for causing you all the heartaches. You have your own burdens to bear as a wife cum mother yet you have to share my burdens as well. For that I am eternally grateful. I really am. I love you, my sis, my best friend...... 


4) I met a person who made me realise things about myself I never knew. J. Although things ended in a pretty sour note and the majority of my heartache stemmed from my relationship with J, there are still some things I treasure. To J: thanks for the moments we had together over the phone. Never realised I could ever have phone conversations that last for hours. Thanks for spending time with me over a swim and dinner. Never knew I could find someone so similar to me in practically every aspect and yet be unique as you are. Never realised I could love someone the way I do you in the span of just 2 weeks. Never could have imagined the pain I felt when you stepped out of my life in an instant. Unfortunately, even if you did not just disappear from my life, our fate would still be the same because it is just so wrong to begin with. I know that post will never be read by you but none the less I just wanted you to know..... I love and miss you still...... very much. My only hope is that when all is over I'll be able to see you on the other side. Hopefully then we can get to spend some time together, without the fear, the guilt, the shame...... 


5) I have worked with really good colleagues. My boast has always been that since the beginning of my career, I have always worked with really good colleagues. And I am proud to say TTSH has been no exception. Granted, there are times of frustrations with colleagues but it happens on such occasional basis that I don't believe it's worth comparing to the rest of the good times we enjoy as colleagues. To my colleagues: I really appreciate each and everyone of you. Having communicated with many others in the working world, I sometimes wish that my colleagues could be everybody's colleagues so that the world would be so much better a place. I always believe that since work constitutes about a third of an average person's life, it should be enjoyed as much as possible. You people have made it so easy to enjoy work. And for that I thank you all. And I have not even come to the personal friendships we hold with each other. Love you all......


Hmmm, have said a mouthful. Guess all these are enough to prove my point. Not that my emotions are fully recovered. But I really cannot deny God's goodness in my life just because I do not feel good in my emotions. 


Thanks for everything Father......

Christmas Party In Lifegroup 2009

Last night's party was pretty okay. Quite enjoyed it. The turnout was quite a big lot. Was quite glad I turned up for it. It was held at Derek's place and it was super big. My apologies for not taking photos of his place. Stupid me....... His backyard had a tentage built on it and it resembled a wedding of some sort. The food was so-so. We had caroling as well as worship. Then there was a sharing session. Then we had some more food! Yipee! Here are just some of the photos I took. The rest can be viewed on http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/album.php?aid=131799&id=609568182&ref=nf ......

That's me and Caile

Sirong and you know who......

Too lazy to name all......

Announcing the arrival of the youths......

That's Caifen, pretty right?

That's Enqi and Macus

That's Keshin and Sirong

And finally, this is Nikki...... :)

Pre-Christmas Shopping

I was pleasantly surprised when I went to Orchard last night to do some last minute shopping for a gift for mama. I always thought I hated crowds but last night seemed to be an exception. I felt pretty comfortable in the midst of the crowds. Was at Cineleisure to pick up some accessories for my party tonight. Then I went to 313 to get my mum's gift (above, nice right?). Think I have been cured of my crowd phobia. Maybe it was the Christmas mood that made everything ok. Anyway, just wanna take this chance to wish everyone a most blessed Christmas and a great 2010 ahead......

Rare Sight

That's me, my sis (Joy) and my bro (JJ).

It's quite rare to have a photo of the three of us together so I thought I'd post this up.

Amazing

I never cease to be amazed at how women can wear heels which are so thin and yet not have an issue walking around. Was looking at the thickness of the heel tip and comparing it the size of the gaps in the escalator. I wonder if they ever get caught in between. ?????

Another Party Today

Had another party today between the Optoms in the department. Enjoyed myself thoroughly man. The food was good. The company was simply great. Will post up the pics once I get my hands on them. Forgot to bring my own cam today so had to depend on my colleagues.

Post Christmas Party

Was really glad I went for the department Christmas party last night. I was kind of regreting at first for promising I'd show up. Would have preferred to do something else instead. But I must say that the event was very very well organised. The team really really put in a lot of effort. I was supposed to be part of the team but due to my reservist commitments I missed most of the meetings. So yesterday I decided to go up early to the multi-purpose hall where the event was to be held to help out with the deco. Turned out to be pretty fun. Guess it gave me a fair bit of satisfaction to see the end result though I nearly hurt myself quite bad when I fell off the ledge while trying to paste some deco.

There's me risking my life to meet the fancies of the deco team.

Errr that's my H.O.D!

The event went really well and was super entertaining. A number of us dressed up for the theme which was supposed to be 'retro'. Some of the doctors were really sporting, dressing up to the occasion. It's nice to see their 'not-so-serious' side once in a while. It's been a long time since I laughed so hard. I was so glad I brought my camera along cos apparently there were many cam-whores like myself there.

Me between 2 babes..... Lucky me......

Me and more babes. My goodness!

Me and one of the eye docs.

Me and another eye doc.

That's two of my colleagues and mua.

I guess it's really nice to end off the year on such a happy note. Hard feelings forgotten. Everyone laughing away. Time to let go of the bad that happened in the year and really move on with a clean slate. 2010! Here I come!!!! :) Ooops, I just tripped.

Frustrated...... again

It's my first day back to work from reservist. And by now I am feeling pooped. Would to God that my training was 3 weeks instead of 2. Thought I would come back fresh and I did. Sad to say the euphoria only lasted like a couple of hours. The welcome back was great. Did not expect my colleagues to be so elated to see me again. Other than work, I was trying to settle my leave in March 2009. Planning to go with my cousins to Taiwan.
In a sense I am quite excited cos I have never done such a thing with them before. But the process (esp the taking of leave) has been daunting. On one hand, one of my cousins can't quite confirm if she can go. On the other, I have colleagues who would like to take the same stretch of leave as me. Being the planner I am (or at least claim to be), I would like to make sure things are okay ahead of time. I HATE the feeling of hanging and being stranded not being able to confirm anything. Currently, we are having a shortage of staff and only one of us can apply for leave at any one time. The word 'miserable' is an understatement seriously.
Reminds me of my former workplace when I could only take leave when my boss is away. Dreaded that cos I did not feel its fair that people whom I travel with have to revolve around me. Seems like its happening again. God, we need staff! Actually, we need the HR to decide to pay people more so that people will wanna join.......

Jonah's Christmas Greeting To All

Sorry guys if the quality of the music ain't too good. Did not have much time to practice on my part. But anyway, blessed Christmas!!!!!!

Funny Pic

Let's see now. On the left it's Richard Gere. Yap. And on the right Joan Allen?

Last Day Of Reservist

Sigh. It's the last day of reservist. Wish there was another week for me to go. Could use a little more time to read. Anyway, I managed to get quite a fair bit done today so I am quite proud of myself. I managed to go to the club for my gym session as well as a swim.

I also managed to bring my nephew for a movie. Went to watch 'Planet 51'. Not too bad. Quite enjoyed it except for the fact I went in slightly late. Not my fault though. I was there early to purchase the tickets but the queue was long and most of the people in the queue were stupid (of course that excludes me!). It really baffles me cos the queue was long and yet the people in the queue could not take the time to consider whatever they wanted to buy. Only when they were served then they started to pick and choose. MORONS! Erh Emm. I shall control myself. Actually this is the first time I have ever spent considerable time with my nephew. I have been toying with the idea of bringing him out for a movie for some time already but never quite got the chance. This morning I asked him if he had watched 'Planet 51' yet and he replied 'no'. His next line was somewhat compelling: "I wonder if I will get the chance to watch it." or something along that line. He then asked if I had watched it yet. Somehow I knew I had to make time to bring him today......

So this uncle of his, sacrificed his time at the club today, rushed to and fro by cab so that I could bring him out since he had a dinner appointment and I had my hair appointment. Okay, no regrets. The show was okay and I suppose the time spent was okay as well. Only thing was that I realised that I had difficulty relating to him. Kind of funny cos he was going on about everything from table tennis to taekwondo to running to his brother (you get the picture) while I hardly said much. Kind of reminds me of my relationship with dad. Seems like I am having a character trait that I so dread from my dad......

Next, I rushed off to have my hair cut and dyed (yippeee!) Figure the above pic will be what I look like a few decade later when I have a full head of white hair. Then again, that will never be cos I will always color it black. Yah, vain I know.

So, not too bad for a day. Managed to squeeze in quite a fair bit. Now need to go pray man. Been feeling weak emotionally again. God, I need HELP!

Cool Duo Sax And Flute

Highly recommended. Enjoy!

A Soft Tongue Breaks The Bones

Finally convinced my mum to buy the insurance. Sometimes, it really pays to talk to someone nicely and be ready to listen, something I think I lack in. But anyway, Praise God!

Melanie

This is a blog about a colleague of mine who's leaving us to get married. Yippeee! Errr not to the leaving part but to the marital part. Really happy for her. After having worked with her for close to 2 years (not to mention another year during our first job together), I find her to be a really nice gal to say the least. Her work attitude never ceases to impress me. Despite her already busy work schedule, she is still so helpful whenever other colleagues need help. She and I were supposed to set up a sub clinic together and frankly she did most of the hard work and I got most of the glory.
I enjoy working with her cos she has a very pleasant personality. I hardly notice her flare up and she always seem to keep her cool in the midst of dealing with really stupid and unreasonable patients.

That's Mel and Me (Pun intended).

Also, I find her to be a very practical person. When it comes to relationships, I find her very real and down to earth. Maybe because we are the same age, I find it easy to relate to her and I suppose vice versa (I hope!). Errr, nuf said. Prepared a little song for her in a video below. Mel, you ought to be really honored. This is the first time I am singing in a video and I even got a professional pianist to do the accompaniment. Enjoy,......

Bad Scare Last Night

It was really bad. I wanted to find a friend whom I had lost contact for a good number of years now on facebook. The problem was that I spelt his surname with an extra 'e'. It was supposed to be 'chong' but I spelt it as 'cheong'. So to my horror, the next page showed a pic which being blurred looked similar to him. And it was a 'R.I.P' profile. From the brief moment I read the profile, apparently the person was brutally murdered in Amsterdam. He was shot a number of times in the head in a robbery or something. For the amount of time I mistook that person for my friend, I was utterly shocked. How could such a thing have happened?

Thank God I had enough sense to look up the church website he was featured since he serves as a pastor there presently. Then I realised that I had spelt his surname wrongly. Then I started to recover, so to speak. The whole episode was just so traumatising. Though I may not know the person, my heart goes out to him. Thinking bout the episode still gives me the creeps since the blurred photo really does look like my friend......

Project Completed!

Yippeeee. Finally managed to finish what I set out to do for weeks by now. Gonna post one of them really soon. Just realised that its kind of weird to have a guy in a t-shirt, boxers and a cap with a saxophone on. But anyway, just for fun. Will post the video next week......

Fed Up With Mum

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to talk to her like an adult. Was trying to convince her that she needed to get some insurance since she was far from healthy and far from rich. Ended up totally frustrated. The problem with such issues is that if she one day does have a problem and not be able to settle it financially, my sis and I will definitely have to do it even though I may have warned her before. And her response will be:" It's just my life." Wow, so philosophical but DAMN STUPID! For a person who has had as much education as she had, she really ain't too smart. Forgive my 'not honoring my parents' but let's call a spade a spade. Hmmm, common sense does not seem too common nowadays.

** Enjoying The Now

On the way to church from the market with my brother-in-law, he gave me some words of wisdom which I want  to remember on my journey in life. He reminded me to enjoy the now, something which I have not done for a long time already. I used to believe and practice this principle a lot. But somehow along the way, I lost it. So this really serves to be a reminder and even a rebuke for me.

My challenge of late is that I am way too engrossed with where I want to be instead of the enjoying the journey there. With so many things going on presently, I lost the enjoyment of the now. Really need to bear this in mind. God help me......

My Reservist So Far

Am halfway through my reservist. In a way I am grateful cos my emotions did not act up as bad as I thought they would considering the amount of free time I had. Ended up doing a lot more reading and resting as well. So that's good. Decided to go on a detox program for my body and am 1 week into it. 2 weeks left. Yipee. Would also attempt to detox my mind as well in the midst. Tough but I think I will make it. Glad that I managed to spend more time in the Word as well. Really need huge doses of it. A lot of detox to accomplish for my mind and emotions. God help me......

风云2

Finally caught the movie on Thursday with Ryan. I must admit it was a little disappointing to me. Maybe I expected too much out of it. Let's see. The graphics were superb. The plot was so-so. The acting was mediocre at best. I think the directors focussed too much on the fighting and the effects and the acting was somewhat neglected. What was amusing was that there were certain scenes in the movie which were supposed to be really grand which ended up tickling most of us. The audience ended up laughing at certain highlights during the show.

I guess that if someone were to go with only the graphics and effects in mind, it would turn out pretty okay. Just don't focus too much on the plot and the acting......

3 Worst Emotions To Have

No. 1 Loneliness
No. 2 Hopelessness and Helplessness

I ranked hopelessness and helplessness together cos to me they are on the same scale of lethality. To me, loneliness is the worst emotion to feel. For most, these emotions on their own are destructive enough. Should all three come at the same time, it is more than sufficient to drive a person to suicide.

Funny (or maybe not so funny) thing is, within these few months, I have had occasions where all three decided to visit me at the same time. Of course the potential destruction was synergistically exponentialized and I fell in pretty severe depression. Yet, I am still alive.

Nope, I am not trying to put a feather on my cap for being able to survive these combinations of emotions. Sometimes, death seems like a less painful way out compared to being tormented by these emotions. But somehow, in the midst of it all, I know Someone has been holding on to me. I can't quite fathom why since I really do not see much worth in myself anyway, but Jesus has been faithful to hold me through some pretty tough times.

Nope, I don't think I am out of these as yet. But I conclude that I have survived till now for a reason (which I have yet to realise) but Jesus will continue to hold on to me......

Jeremiah 29:11 (Amplified) For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.

Hebrews 13: 5 (Amplified)......for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]


Thank you Lord......

'Cool' Shades

Bought myself a 'cool' pair of shades and a T-shirt from NUM. 'Cool' right?

Bleeding Profusely

I was bleeding profusely before I left to meet Ryan for dinner cum movie just now. It was a good thing cos this stupid pimple which was on my brow for about 3 weeks by now popped just now. Finally, I took the chance to squeeze (could not resist the temptation) out all the damned pus. Following that was major cleaning as well as dressing the wound with my essential oils. Hopefully it heals without much scarring......

Had Fun

Had loads of fun trying to do videos for my colleague and for Christmas. Hope to be able to put them out soon. In the meanwhile, this was the mess I created just now......

Sympathise with my helper sometimes, but too bad.......

That was me trying to position myself in front of the cam. Been a super long time since I last meddled with my sax......

Really Funny

It's Christmas season and I thought I would post this vid by Madtv. It's really old but really good. Enjoy......

My New Toy

Presenting...... my new toy...... Samsung ST500! Heavily subsidised by my mama as my birthday gift. Dual LCD screens. Perfect for the cam whore like mua...... Cost me $469......

Day 1 of Reservist

The day went pretty fine except for the ending of it. Had a good time catching up on reading and sleeping. It's been a long while since I last had the luxury of doing so much reading. Thought that the rest of the day would be fine too till about 3 plus when I was assigned to do some tasks. Doing the tasks were fine but the fact that it came near the end of the day was irritating to say the least. Thus I was delayed in my departure and I still had not completed my tasks. Had it come earlier in the day, it would have been completed and well. Anyway, after so many years of army, I am far from surprised that such a thing could happen. Maybe the technology has improved, but the way of doing things more efficiently has been improving at a snail's pace at all. Okay, better not complain anymore least I get into trouble for telling the truth.

The evening went fine. Caught 'New Moon' with my colleagues. Quite enjoyed it. Heard some bad reviews about it though. Anyway, to each his own. Felt for Bella when she lost Edward. Could relate to her feelings. Sympathize with Jake though. Despite his heart for Bella and good looks (after he had a hair cut, that is), he still lost out to a joker who could not think straight and does not have any figure to show (my apologies to the fans of Robert Pattinson, it's true none the less). Okie, gotta go now......

Reservist

Tomorrow will be the start of a 2 week reservist service for me. In a sense I am looking forward. It's usually a time of the year to realign my priorities for the coming year (not that I always follow through though). Hope to get some reading as well as some thinking through as well. God I need wisdom......

??????????

Nice Song: Thy Word

Came across a really nice song by Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith. This song really touches my heart and Amy's intro to the song is also something I can relate to. Enjoy,......




Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

When I feel afraid,
And think I've lost my way.
Still, you're there right beside me.
Nothing will I fear
As long as you are near;
Please be near me to the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.

I will not forget
Your love for me and yet,
My heart forever is wandering.
Jesus by my guide,
And hold me to your side,
And I will love you to the end.

Nothing will I fear
As long as you are near;
Please be near me to the end.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path.
And a light unto my path.
You're the light unto my path. 

Mad Again

Seemed that 'Murphy's Law' was at work again this morning. Things started to happen so that I could slowly but surely build up on my anger. What I am thankful for though was that I was calm enough not to end up reprimanding one of my supervisors. Not so much being afraid of getting into trouble but more for the fact that I had not seen the full picture that there was a mistake but it was made by another supervisor instead. If I had been as hotheaded as I normally can be, I would have hurt someone's feelings very unnecessarily. It amazes me how 'hot' (errr in the anger sense) I was earlier in the morning and now how peaceful things are right now. I think my feelings are as fickle as the weather these days......

Success Is Meaningless Without Someone To Share It With

Relationship

Bumped into a friend whom I used to like but was not successful in wooing a couple of days ago in the hospital. In the midst of the chat, I found out that she recently broke up with her boyfriend. Was a little shocked cos apparently they were already looking into getting married next year or something like that. Makes me think about the fragility of relationships nowadays. To be fair, I am sure there are good relationships that really last but of late breaking up seems to be the more common story I hear about. Maybe I am just more sensitive to the bad that's happening around me...... :(

Human Jam

Had a traumatising trip to work today. The train was slightly late and thus more crowded than norm. Halfway through the trip I found myself in an awkward position straining my back and having someone's bag pressed against my butt. Then there was someone who obviously had no common sense or did not exercise it when she wanted to make her way through in a super crowded train to the exit even when the train had not fully stopped. I know these are not good enough reasons to own a car but they sure are contributing factors to it. Guess the smart aleck who thought that we could still make do with having more people in our country obviously had not sat or stood in the train for a long time......

** You Follow Me

John 21:18-22 (NCV)


18 I tell you the truth, when you were younger, you tied your own belt and went where you wanted. But when you are old, you will put out your hands and someone else will tie you and take you where you don't want to go." 19 (Jesus said this to show how Peter would die to give glory to God.) Then Jesus said to Peter, "Follow me!"
20 Peter turned and saw that the follower Jesus loved was walking behind them. (This was the follower who had leaned against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who will turn against you?")21 When Peter saw him behind them, he asked Jesus, "Lord, what about him?"
22 Jesus answered, "If I want him to live until I come back, that is not your business. You follow me."

I have come to realise after so long that my walk with Jesus is quite unique. My situation and set of challenges differ a fair bit from the typical Christian. I am not trying to make myself out to be special. In fact, given the choice I'll choose to be the typical Christian anytime. Fortunately or unfortunately, I do not have the choice and having been through all that I have been through has made me the person I am today. Coming to terms with myself and my walk can be and has been tough to say the least.

I find myself very often like Peter in the scriptures above. When Jesus gave specific instructions to follow Him, Peter was more concerned about someone else other than himself. I suppose I am similar to Peter in a slightly different way. I too tend to ask "What about so and so?" I also tend to question why I have to go through what I have gone through and am still going through. I sometimes envy others whom I know are not and will never go through my situations and circumstances in life.

"I wish I was better looking."
"I wish my parents are super rich and I do not have to work so I can pursue my dreams."
"I wish I was more charismatic."
"I wish I was taller."
"I wish my voice was deeper."

As I read through the scriptures above on my way to work yesterday, I felt that Jesus' answer to Peter was very apt for me and my attitude as well.

22 Jesus answered, "If I want him to live until I come back, that is not your business. You follow me."

Whatever I go through, it's my walk before Jesus. Everyone has their own walk with Jesus. It is not my business to find out how others walk. I am to follow Jesus and have my own walk before Him. Help me to remember that Lord......

** It's A Journey

This is gonna be a long one. So buckle your seat belts. It started yesterday. Was learning under my worship coach Daniel. The practice was fine though it started on a slightly uncomfortable note for me. He asked me if I was okay to which I replied that I would survive. Guess that was my way of saying things not too good but not too bad. He tried to probe more but I refused to tell him. I wanted to share with him but I was concerned since it was not as simple as a confession. But he told me he's my father to which I somewhat agree. I did see him as a spiritual figure in my life. After a while he relented and told me that he agreed that trust needs to be built. After the practice with him, I stayed to watch him practice for the Mandarin worship with the singers. As I watched him play, I slipped into depression. He played so so well that I really felt inferior. And I started to feel condemned. It's been so long and yet I don't seem to have achieved anything in life, not just musically but many other aspects as well. So I spent the rest of the day 'emo'ing. When night fell, I realised that I could not go on like this so I decided to skip all my usual practices to pray.

I spent about an hour praying in tongues. Suddenly, I started to think of J again. All the memories flashed back and I started to weep because I just felt so heart broken and yet so helpless. That was when the previous blog came about. I decided to sleep early and go church early today to attend the Mandarin service. Just felt I really so needed to spend more time in worship towards God. And so I did. I knew what songs they were gonna sing today and I knew the songs would minister to me. True enough, I was worshiping and crying away this morning. In the midst of worship, I felt that I had to verbalise myself forgiving J. Even though I do not feel its J's fault I ended up the way I am (rebellion has its own consequences), I just needed to forgive J. Which I did.

I verbalised that I forgive J and that I release J. So after worship, the preacher then took the pulpit and starting teaching. Much to my surprise the topic today was about forgiveness! How apt! Beyond that he taught that forgiveness also meant releasing the person. So I knew it was all God. I then met up with Caleb to have breakfast. Thought I could finally spend some time one on one with him. For the past few occasions we were always joined by others so I did not have personal time with him. Today was no exception. We had breakfast and headed for the English service.

I was not too engaged with the worship. Wonder why. I seem to be more in tune with the Mandarin side when it comes to worship. Then another preacher took the pulpit since my pastor was on holiday. He is a prophet from Melbourne. The message spoke somewhat but when he gave the altar call, I knew it was for me. He asked for people who felt directionless and that church was just a routine to come up. He also asked for people who seemed to have hit a wall in their Christian walk to come up. I was the first one. I knew that God was calling me. When I was up at the front, I felt someone behind and had hands on my back. I knew it must be my sis. I was touched. I did not expect her to be there but I realised she would definitely be there for me. He then started to pray for everyone in the front. While he was praying for everyone else, I was standing there.

I had a hand on my heart and the other lifted up. I knew it was a personal time between God and me. It did not matter even if the preacher did not pray for me. God was already touching my heart. One of the things I remember praying for was the realisation that all I need in life is Jesus, not man. I kept on confessing "I need You Jesus". After a while I started to apologize for all the time I have wasted in my life because of this issue. I kept saying "I am sorry God". And I kept feeling in my heart "ALL IS FORGIVEN AND ALL IS WELL". What a relief! Then the prophet came and started to pray for me to be healed of all the disappointments. So apt! He also prayed for God to surround me with His Love. Then he said "A NEW DAY IS COMING". Yes! If there's anything I need, it's a NEW DAY. All the past hurts all the past failure can belong to the past. So I stood there, weeping again. Seems like tears happen to be a big part of my life. As I stood there, my care group leader was there as well. After the preacher went on to pray for others and I had released my pent up emotions, I turned and hugged my sis. She's really been the pillar in my life. Then she told me that she saw the weights fall off me. She also said that when the weights fall off the real me can come out. Not the one I pretend to be but the real me.

Right now as I sit in front of my com and am typing this, a lot of thoughts are in my head now. But I shall end off with a line from a mandarin song I am listening to now. Literally, it goes.....

pain is flowing down from my eyes, I know You(Jesus) will wipe it for me.


Thank you Jesus......

I Miss You J, Still

I miss the times we had conversations that lasted hours over the phone.
I miss the time you encouraged me in my relationship with my dad.
I miss the look of contentment you had on your face after our dinner at the club.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I miss finding out how much we actually had in common.
I miss listening to you plan where to go for our Taiwan trip.
I miss receiving your 'good night' smses.

I know you can't hear me now. Even if you could, I don't think you would want to. Though I have not known you very long, I know that by now you should be very comfortable into your new relationship. Wish I could be like you. It's funny how I always wished I could strike lottery cos the day we became friends I had more than struck lottery. I know a person like you is very hard to come by. That's why I was 'desperate' to be better friends with you. Unfortunately, things did not quite work out the way I wished it would. And I am torn. I know that us being apart does the both of us good in the big picture. But on the other hand I still find it tough to let it go totally. Glad that you have moved on. I really do not know if I can but life still goes on. I suppose I got to make do with being reminded of you a couple of times in a day, at least for now. It's the bane of all I have come to believe.

love you J, miss you J, always have......

My Day Thus Far

Today's been pretty good in comparison to yesterday I must say. Managed to squeeze in a morning swim prior to meeting my dad for lunch at the club. I think swimming is really the way to go for me. Seems like my thoughts become clearer whenever I swim. The water at the club today was great. Apparently they have switched to non-chlorinated water in the pools. Felt really good swimming in it. The water tasted way different from the regular pools I visit due to convenience which tasted kind of weird (wonder why) especially at the end of the day. Think I will swim at the club more often if possible.

Lunch went really well. For once dad did not ask about my nephew (miracle!). He asked about my brother (common topic) and also asked bout my sis (another miracle!). Though there were silent moments throughout, which is very common, we did manage to have a decent conversation. Thank God. After lunch I took a nap before working out at the gym. Think I injured my wrist a little. But anyway did not do very much at the gym today.

I also managed to practice a little for my guitar and my piano so that's satisfying. Even managed to take another short nap before I went to life group. Sleep really is a luxury. Led worship at life group tonight but I was not too happy about it. The songs seemed to flow pretty okay when I was practicing but there I had a hard time flowing. Also, my voice also gave way in the midst of worship. Hmmm, need to talk to my bro about it man.

Other than that, things seemed okay for me today. Still think about J a couple of times but I guess I'll make it. The problem is that J's place is right smack in the middle between my place and where the life group is held. So I will always have to walk pass J's place. Anyway, life still goes on with or without J I suppose......

FML

Still at work. Doc came late. Patient came late. Have loads of tests to do. 2 more patients to do before I can go off. FML!

J Has A Boyfriend

Just found out last night that J is attached. In one sense I am happy for J. On the other hand, I realised that my world just fell apart again. Now I have one less thing to live for in life. I do not know how much more I can take. Somehow I have this weird feeling that God somehow led me up to this to finally find out about J being attached. Anyway I am more than aware that as much as I like J, I will not be able to give J all that J needs in a relationship. Wretched bastard that I am. I can't get into the relationship I so yearn for. Anyway J you have my best wishes. Wished I could be the one to love and care for you but I guess I blew it up big time.

The other J......

Touching

Just saw a patient who had a stroke a couple of months back. She is 50+. Was especially touching for me to see the care rendered to her by her husband. He was just so patient with her. As with any stroke patient, she had a lot of difficulty walking about. Her husband would help lift her up, plan with her the steps she has to take to the testing area and how she has to turn and all that.

I tried to put myself in his shoes and imagine all the details he had to look into as he looked after her. I decided to not to imagine any further. Thank God for good health...... :)

Adultery

Hmmm, seems like a unusual topic to blog on. Yesterday, a friend was telling me about her friend's boyfriend who was cheating on her. Apparently, the boyfriend was married before and the friend was a third party. Seems very drama like but unfortunately it happens in real life too. My friend was upset cos she helped them to be together at some point as well. Now, she feels kind of stupid for having helped the guy.

Actually, I am not sure why I am talking about this but listening to my friend and seeing her upset over this issue sort of got to me as well I guess. The problem with such issues is that there should never have been a start of a relationship since the guy is married. But the bigger problem is how to convince the girl to quit since it involves the emotions so much. I have learnt my lesson first hand through my relationship with J that emotions definitely defy logic and beats it hands down. So one of the hardest battle to fight in life to me is the emo battle.

Back to my story. After some time, the girl called to tell my friend that it is over (i.e the relationship between her and that joker is over). My first question to my friend was "is it really over?" My friend agreed with me. Somehow, we were not too convinced that the girl will just step out of the relationship like that. Sadly, for some (maybe even most), chances are that they will head straight into the relationship after the man does some 'damage control'. Sad but true. Conclusions? 1) Never get involved with a married man (or woman for that matter). 2) Emotions could be your best friend, or your worst enemy. 3) I need to get back to work......

How Long God? How Long???

Wonder how long more do I have to go on like this. It's really a struggle to say the least. To please God or myself? Seems pretty obvious doesn't it? Only problem is trying to keep to the decision. Kathryn Kuhlman once said:"I have died a thousand deaths". I can related so well to what she said. Though I have yet to reach a thousand, I definitely have crossed the hundred line...... Yet in the midst of all these, I am more than a conqueror? His grace is sufficient? I really need a shoulder to weep on. Jesus says,:"Here use Mine". :)

** Feels Pretty Good

Last night, for the very first time in a long long long long time I started to make time to pray for the people around me. Must say that it felt really good. Been so engrossed and caught up in my own world of problems that I hardly bothered about the rest. So last night was somewhat a breakthrough. Just figured that since I am presently spiritually unemployed, the least I could do is to pray for people around me, be  it loved ones or friends. As they always say,:"Live for something greater than yourself." Okay, I'll try......

Things I Do When I Am Bored In Church

** Father's Love

Today I really felt like a child again. As much as I am officially 31 I get that feeling once in a while. Today's feeling was especially strong. As I sat there during worship, I couldn't help but realise how weak I am and in need of protection like a child. I always wished there was someone to protect me despite how most of the time I try to act strong and independent.

Today's message was really apt for me. It was about the 'Father's love' as in God The Father's love. My pastor spoke about how lacking a father's love really messes us up. I guess I am a testimony to that fact. Don't get me wrong. My father does love me (at least he used to). Unfortunately, if good intentions are all we need, most will not be as messed up as they are now. My dad was pretty much an absentee father for a large part of my life. Even during the times he was around there was never much of communication except for some nagging. To be fair, he provided well for my family. He was a lawyer and was doing well for a large part of his career. We lived in a bungalow and was driven around in a merc. Wished that it would suffice. Well, it wouldn't. Looking back, I would give up the luxuries of the past in exchange for a bit of affirmation and affection from him.

Most of his working life was spent trying to keep up to paying for the house and the car we had. So even during holidays he would often be stuck in the office mugging away. Really wished he could realise then that many things in life cannot be measured by dollars and cents. Other problem was that dad was emotionally handicapped. His EQ was really bad. I really found it difficult to relate to him in most areas of my life. Still remember an occasion where I was in my room and I was weeping due to a friendship that did not work out (hey I was only 14 then!). He saw my weeping in the room and he simply walked away! That left something in me.

So now, my life is pretty messed up as a result of all those stuff during the younger days. Think I still unconsciously blame him somewhat for my life. Despite the fact that I realised that it was probably because he did not receive that kind of love from his dad, that's why he acted the way he acted, I think I am still somewhat bitter against him. The worst part I guess is that he still does not realise all the harm that he has caused me. And even if he does realise, whatever he does for me or to me now will be viewed through tainted glasses. So I guess it leaves me still trying to get back something from him I know he does not even have.

So, as my pastor was sharing about his life where he had to come to a place of forgiving his dad, I think I have to come to mine. Actually I am not too sure if I am still that bitter with him anymore. I think I have come to this place where I realised in life "SHIT HAPPENS". A song is playing in the background that seems so apt for this occasion. 'I surrender all'. Think I will leave it at that for now.

My Day

Today started off like any typical working Saturday. Wished it remained that way. Was at Nan Fang for my part time work. Nearer to the end of the day, the feelings started coming back again. Started to feel the bout of loneliness again. S**t! Wonder how long I have to go on like this. I could feel myself slipping into depression again as the feeling started to overwhelm me. God, I need strength......

Blog Addiction

Think I suffer from blog addicition, as in I am addicted to reading other people's blogs. Since I sixed down drastically my list of blogs I follow, I have been bored, to say the list. I used to enjoy going to my dashboard to see if there are any new entries from the blogs I follow. Now, I know that there would hardly be any updates, since I am only following 2 blogs. All can be summarised in one word "BORING!".....

Think I Am Pissed

Okay, I almost convinced myself that studying might not be so bad after all. All the spare time. All the new friends. Being able to dress casually more often. Possibly buying a car even. Swimming often at SP pool. Using the gym there. A whole new life almost. Then I was told that studying next year is not possible cos they would need to project funds and all that. WTF!!!!! And with the rate I was questioned about studying I thought that it would definitely be next year. :( Duh! Talk about miscommunication man. Anyway, I should be used to that by now. Disappointments seem to have been marking my life more often of late. A glimmer of hope still seems to shine though. Just have this feeling that things would somehow work out. We'll see......

My Goodness!

Sorry but I just could not resist taking a snap shot of this person in the train......

The Sacred Word "Comfort"

The topic was brought up again by my supervisor yesterday in regards to me studying again. The hospital seems pretty keen to send me off to study. Locally of course. I think the main thing that scares me right now is the studying part. Just skimmed through the curriculum a moment ago. It kind of worries me. Am I up to it? Especially the theoratical part of things.

I think my main problem is that I have become comfortable and being the typical human being, I have learned to enjoy the comfort zone. Feels really cushy not to need to do very much right now. Studying again would mean rocking the boat so to say. To a certain extent I look forward to being a student again (psychologically, it brings about a feeling of youth again:) ) and being able to make new friends. Then again there seems to be other things which ain't so advantageous as well. Guess you can't have the best of both worlds right? Oh God, I need help here. I need wisdom......

21/12/2012 End Of The World?

I managed to catch the movie with my sis on my birthday (thanks sis). Actually, I expected to have a lot of afterthoughts after the movie (since I tend to think a lot) but somehow this was not so. But it did stir up questions to me as to whether the above date is indeed the end of the world.

I shall not go into the various sources that have already indicated the above date as the end of the world. As far as I know, there are at least 3 different sources that have their take on it and they seem to be congruent about it. Even the prophetic Christians seem to have the similar feel as to something major happening on that day though they do not use the exact same words "End of the world".

So if it really is 21122012, how am I gonna live my life from hence forth? We have slightly more than 3 years to that day. 3 years. Great! The oldest I will ever get is 34. That's a consolation. My other consolation is that the crap I am presently going through has a shelf life to it. At least I can now see light at the end of the tunnel so to say. Hmmm, think I should go all the way for God. Not too much time left......

Some Radical Changes

I didn't realise that it would be so painful to remove some blogs from my current list that I follow. With all the sighing and slightly watery eyes you would have thought that a tragedy just happened or something. Yap, a tragedy did happen. Something in me died. I do not know what but it sure hurts. I knew all along that certain blogs that I follow were not healthy for me emotionally. But somehow I could just explain it away and continue to visit them. Apparently not today. I knew I had to cut certain stuff off my life as painful as it may seem. So now I am left with 2 blogs on my list. One is my sis and the other is a friend Caleb. Now, I need to go and nurse my emo pains...... : (

Temptation

Oh, The Temptation from Steve V on Vimeo.


Saw this from someone else's blog. Pretty cool or cruel, however u see it.

Dinner With My Pastor

My apologies for the blur pic above. It's kind of weird cos when I checked on it once it was taken, it looked pretty sharp. But now...... Anyway, I did have dinner with my pastor and it went great! Once again, my meeting with pastor was great. :) Had dinner at this Thai restaurant at Novena Ville. The food was pretty okay considering the fact that we practically finished it though pastor did not have much of an appetite and it was kind of early (about 530) for me to have dinner.

The chat was great as well. It was really high time for us to catch up after so long. As I wrote in the earlier blog, I was kind of apprehensive to meet him at first cos of the recent happenings in my life. But things went really well. As I told him bout the latest happenings in my life, he just sat there and listened very intently. And after I was done with my story he started to talk to me in a very understanding way. Really appreciated that. It's really nice cos I knew as much as I felt a little uncomfortable telling him bout my story, he still accepted me as I am and loved me the same. And I knew that he was not just talking to me as a 'Pastor' but very much as an old friend as well. So so appreciate that.

We talked a whole lot more though I don't think I can remember every single thing he said. It was a nice feeling listening to him as a friend and not just from the pulpit as a Pastor. One thing that I forgot though was to get him to pray for me after the talk. He graciously sent me home after that. Pray that I will put into practice all that he told me just now.

Losing A Job

Feeling more sober now. Never knew that 2 cocktails could numb my senses so much. Just heard from a friend about how he lost his job recently. To make things worse, he is going to get married early next year and he has already bought a unit that he is presently financing. Thank God that his fiancee is working and earning a comfortable income. So things are not looking that bad.

I am sure that we have all heard such stories before or may even have been the victims in such stories. I still remember having told my friend that buying a private unit at the beginning of his career was not a good idea coupled with the fact that he is also financing his car. I must hand it to him though that he just bought a practical car as opposed to some fanciful car. But I was too late. He had already bought the unit by the time we spoke. Having said that, I am pretty confident that he would not have taken my advice even if it came before he actually bought the unit. Afterall, as a working couple and about to start a family, I am sure that anyone would want to get a 'dream' home or one close to it.

Nothing against all that but unfortunately in the country we live in, property ain't cheap, especially when you talk about private ones. I suppose that as a slightly higher than average income couple, most would want to own a private property. The only issue is that most assume that they will be working for some time and thus the monthly payments seem pretty affordable. Until a tragegy happens. Like in the case of my friend, he lost his job. I am pretty sure it will not be too difficult for him to join back the workforce. Afterall, he is only in his late twenties and he does have a degree and all that. I just wonder about all the unnecessary worries and stress caused by the payments which could have been a whole lot lower had they decided to settle for something a little less than 'ideal'. And the fact that he is soon to get married sure adds to the stress. My sympathies go out to him. And it's no use going to him now to tell him about what he could have done to prevent this mess. All I can do now is to pray for him to find a job soon and that he'll be strong at this time.

I am sure he'll make it through......

Meeting My Pastor

I am finally going to meet the man. We've been wanting to meet up since God knows when but due to his busy schedule and travelling it's been really tough. It's kind of weird though. On one hand I really wanna meet him but on the other, I am a little apprehensive to. Maybe I feel I am too messed up inside so it kind of scares me. All my meetings with him has never turned out bad in any way. In fact, whenever we spend time together, I always walk away inspired and feeling great. Wonder if today will be any different. I feel like a little boy who broke the vase in the house and hoping mum would never find out. LOL. It's weird the emotions that go through my head at any time.
Anyway, think I am still trying to recover from last night's drinking. Hmmm, I only drank 2 cocktails and now I still feel weird. Overslept this morning so I came in late for work. Still feel unnatural somewhat. It's like I am semi-conscious. I just don't feel fully here. :)
I had dinner with Ryan and Marcus last night to celebrate my birthday. We had dinner and drinks at Heaven's Loft Orchard Central. Quite enjoyed it. The food and drinks were okay but the ambience was pretty nice. Had the music been more sentimental it would have been perfect. Okay, gotta go. Reality sets in as the euphoria starts to wane. Great! All I have to do is to wait another 364 days for the next euphoria, if it does come......

My Thank You Video

Did a video for everyone who have made my 31st birthday a blissful one.


My song dedication to all:

Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be

Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary night
You find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
'Cause who's to know
Which one you let go
Would have made you complete

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place
It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine

And it's like flying without wings
'Cause you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings

And you're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings

14th November 2009

Yap yap yesterday was the day for me. Turned 31 (still not convinced about it though). Started my day with work (yar I volunteered for it, question my sanity sometimes). Met up with Mel for breakfast prior to work and she brought me a little cake. So touched...... :) Work was pretty okay till the time I was gonna leave. Thank God for Mel who stayed later for me so that I could run off on time. Was going to meet my sis to spend the day together. Yipee......

Had lunch with sis and then we watched '2012' together after. Not too bad a show. Got me think bout stuff as usual. Think I'll write about it another time.

After we were done with the movie, we went to chill a little at her place before we went for dinner.

That's my sis. errr I meant the lady standing beside me. ; )

So while she was settling her youngest son Dan, she got to watch some videos taken especially for me.

All those videos really touched me. To think my sis would go through the trouble to get them done for me. Special thanks to Cindy as well (heard your voice on the vids but never got to see u). Also appreciate the people in the vids.

We went out for dinner after that and ate at 'Paradise Inn' I believe. The food was pretty good esp the wasabi prawns and not to mention the

ever so sinful pork. My heart goes out to those who for whatever reason do not eat pork. You have my sympathies. Of course, I would need your sympathies when I die of a heart attack so its fair and square. LOL.

Our final stop was 'Coffee bean' for some desserts and drinks before she sent me home. What a great sis I have. :)