Today something interesting happened at work today. One of my colleagues had a quarrel with another colleague. They used to be a couple but they split recently. As such, things have been a little tense between them. Actually I wanted to mind my own business and just not get involved in any way. It's not as if I do not have my own issues to deal with. But I actually got to listen to both sides of the story about how the thing started,......
It was interesting how each presented their own side of the story which made their cause valid. Had I only listened to only one side, I would have been convinced that the side I listened to was right. After I listened to both sides, I realised how we can leave out or overlook details which are not to our advantage. I don't mean to take sides or judge anyone cause I could be one of them as well.
Recently, I fell out with a friend. And in my mind I could easily justify how I was not wrong at all and in fact my friend was the one who was just being petty. But after today's incident I realised that I could be wrong as well. All too often, maybe because of my insecurities, I could easily put up excuses to justify my cause and make myself feel vindicated. Only problem is that my friend would not even respond to my sms, so I am left guessing where I could have gone wrong. So sad. Just when I thought I had found a soul mate, I lost that friend. Sigh,......
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
My Apologies
For everyone who have been following my blog so far, I would like to apologise cause my blog has been pretty 'dark' and 'gloomy' of late. I have been trying to pursue a relationship that I know that I should not and that God would not be pleased with. God has been dealing with me and I have been rebelling. So do bear with me while I sort out my thoughts and emotions in the midst of these trying times.
God is Doing Something
Not too sure if I like it but God seems to be closing all to the doors to what I am seeking for. I know that there are a number praying earnestly for me and God is not about to let me go. I guess that's where the turmoil is. I wish on one hand God would just let me be. But I know that I cannot see an end to where this road leads. God sees it and He sure does not want me down this path. Why am I so stubborn? Why do I choose to hurt those who love me the most? My colleague whom I told my problem, asked me out for lunch yesterday just to talk to me. She was not pushy. She knew that it not was the answer. After our talk, she assured me of our friendship. What can I say? I am such a jerk. I know she is praying for me as well.
When I told one of my army friends last week during dinner, he was shocked at first but he finally dropped me a note to assure me of our friendship. Hmmm, seems like it really takes a disaster to make me realise who are my friends.
I am shaken inside. Should I just yield myself and completely trust God that He knows best? But what about my needs? My emotional needs? My physical needs?
When I told one of my army friends last week during dinner, he was shocked at first but he finally dropped me a note to assure me of our friendship. Hmmm, seems like it really takes a disaster to make me realise who are my friends.
I am shaken inside. Should I just yield myself and completely trust God that He knows best? But what about my needs? My emotional needs? My physical needs?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
J
J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J J
Sunday, July 26, 2009
My Sis
I guess this post will probably be one of the most memorable one I will have posted. It all happened last night when I 'confessed' to my sis about some of the latest happenings in my life and some decisions that I have made regarding my life. I can't divulge too much but suffice to say that the decision I made will cost me a lot in my life (maybe even my life), probably a whole lot more than I can imagine, but none the less I am still with it. My sis' tone changed when I told her bout it. From the usual joking manner we usually speak to each other, she became really serious, way too serious for me to handle. I initially felt a loss for words. What could I say. Whatever she said was true and we both knew it. She asked me some really sobering questions that I could not really answer and probably did not want to answer as well. I knew I was wrong but I still insist to go on this road of perdition.
Then she started to question if there was anything she could have done to have prevented me from coming to this point in my life. I felt both really bad yet good inside. Bad in a sense that my decision could have caused her such guilt and questions in her mind. Good in a sense that I am convinced once again how much she loved me as her brother. I was devastated yet touched. I thought I was an individual. I was yet I was not. I could not make any decision which not affect the people around me, especially those who cared and loved me. That was painful as well. That also added to the turmoil I was already facing inside. Thankfully, there was really nothing she could have done to have prevented me from being like this. If not, the guilt she would carry as a result would kill me even more inside. This line keeps ringing in my mind, 'I am your sister......'. I never knew such a simple line could mean so much to me. I just want to tell the whole world that I have the best sister anyone could have. Funny that it has to take such a disaster for me to realise that.
It was not an easy conversation. I knew it was a difficult pill for her to swallow. We had moments where we both sobbed (no kidding). If there was no one else who could hear me, I probably would have wailed. She cried till her eyes were swollen. I cried till my eyes became single eyelid (that's really bad!). Wish she did not have to go through that. I wondered if I should have kept it from her. But then again, she would have to know sooner than later. Poor sis. Warped dad, warped mum, warped elder bro and now super duper warped younger brother. So glad that she married a good husband and has a good family. Thank God. Some consolation at least. For her and for me as well.
We finally ended with her affirming her love for me and that should I reverse my decision she would support me all the way. What more could I say. My heart pained because I had pained her heart. But I also know that its my life. I have a choice and I have taken it howbeit a bad one. Don't ask me how I can, knowing that I am making a bad decision still go ahead with it. If I was standing outside of this situation and listening to it, I will be the first to pass a judgement. But now that I am in it and the one experiencing it, I can only say that its really different when I am in it......
Thanks Sis, for everything,...... I love you very much too,......
Then she started to question if there was anything she could have done to have prevented me from coming to this point in my life. I felt both really bad yet good inside. Bad in a sense that my decision could have caused her such guilt and questions in her mind. Good in a sense that I am convinced once again how much she loved me as her brother. I was devastated yet touched. I thought I was an individual. I was yet I was not. I could not make any decision which not affect the people around me, especially those who cared and loved me. That was painful as well. That also added to the turmoil I was already facing inside. Thankfully, there was really nothing she could have done to have prevented me from being like this. If not, the guilt she would carry as a result would kill me even more inside. This line keeps ringing in my mind, 'I am your sister......'. I never knew such a simple line could mean so much to me. I just want to tell the whole world that I have the best sister anyone could have. Funny that it has to take such a disaster for me to realise that.
It was not an easy conversation. I knew it was a difficult pill for her to swallow. We had moments where we both sobbed (no kidding). If there was no one else who could hear me, I probably would have wailed. She cried till her eyes were swollen. I cried till my eyes became single eyelid (that's really bad!). Wish she did not have to go through that. I wondered if I should have kept it from her. But then again, she would have to know sooner than later. Poor sis. Warped dad, warped mum, warped elder bro and now super duper warped younger brother. So glad that she married a good husband and has a good family. Thank God. Some consolation at least. For her and for me as well.
We finally ended with her affirming her love for me and that should I reverse my decision she would support me all the way. What more could I say. My heart pained because I had pained her heart. But I also know that its my life. I have a choice and I have taken it howbeit a bad one. Don't ask me how I can, knowing that I am making a bad decision still go ahead with it. If I was standing outside of this situation and listening to it, I will be the first to pass a judgement. But now that I am in it and the one experiencing it, I can only say that its really different when I am in it......
Thanks Sis, for everything,...... I love you very much too,......
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Weird Saturday
Had this weird experience the recent saturday as I was returning home from work at Nan Fang. Was at the bus stop when I bumped into a Malay gentleman who asked me if I could spare a dollar so that he could make his way to AMK. I digged into my coin compartment but I only found thirty cents or something. I offered it to him but he declined. But he was polite enough to thank me and proceeded to look for the next 'victim'. At the corner of my eye I saw him approach another gentleman whom I believed declined his request. Next, he proceeded to hail a cab and that really caught my attention. What was more appaling was that he entered it and when he saw me looking at him, he actually smiled and waved goodbye to me! How friendly! That felt really weird. Here I am offering what I had and would have given him the dollar if I had it, taking a bus home, and there he was taking a cab. Till now, it still amazes me somewhat. I suppose there are really all kinds of people in this world.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Time with Peiyuan
Thank God for best friends. Technically, I have made a mistake. There can only be one best friend so it should not have been plural. Hmmm, think I have just impressed myself with my own English. Crap. Back to what I wanted to say. My best friend Peiyuan dropped by to have lunch with me today. It's been quite a long while since we last caught up cos he's been really busy with his flying. So lunch was really enjoyable today. Nice to be able to exchange 'crap' with each other. It's been too long man. Thanks man Peiyuan......
A Little Discouraged
Came back from my singing lesson today. Was a little disappointed cos I did not seem to be making any progress at all. As much as I know that there is always a stage in learning anything where there seems to be no progress, I can't help but feel a little down. Thank God that Fong was pretty patient with me. I think it must be tough sometimes to teach, esp when you get students who just don't seem to get what u are teaching. In any case, I must perservere. That's how I can go beyond myself and grow......
Not Again!!!!!
This is getting too frequent. It's like 2:49 a.m. and guess what, I can't sleep. The worst part is that I have already taken my melatonin to make sure I sleep throughout. It's a timed-release version. Makes me wonder if it has been released yet. By right I should be sleeping like a pig right now aside from the melatonin. I went for a swim with J at the club earlier this evening and I swam harder than norm. Somehow, the water was warm and nice and I felt like I could go on for miles. We then had dinner and I even had a little beer to go along!
My goodness. I can't believe this. All this combi and yet I can't sleep. If this goes on for too long, I am gone man. I suppose that the standard answer is that I have too much on my mind and that's true. When I woke up just now, my mind just started going again. Crap. And later I have my singing lesson and I would like to go there fresh for once. Been having this internal turmoil for quite a while now and reprive seems no where in sight. In the midst of making a decision which could totally make or break me. Yet I can't seem to find anyone to talk to about it. God, I really need help on this one. Yet, not to be rude or disrespectful, but God seems to be my problem this time round,......
My goodness. I can't believe this. All this combi and yet I can't sleep. If this goes on for too long, I am gone man. I suppose that the standard answer is that I have too much on my mind and that's true. When I woke up just now, my mind just started going again. Crap. And later I have my singing lesson and I would like to go there fresh for once. Been having this internal turmoil for quite a while now and reprive seems no where in sight. In the midst of making a decision which could totally make or break me. Yet I can't seem to find anyone to talk to about it. God, I really need help on this one. Yet, not to be rude or disrespectful, but God seems to be my problem this time round,......
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I am in Love when
1) I think of the person sporatically throughout the day.
2) I find it difficult to delete the person's sms.
3) I have a list of things to do and places to go with the person.
4) I smile unconsciously whenever I read the person's sms.
5) Days go by really slowly till my next meeting with the person.
6) I wish the person could see me at my job.
7) I feel joy seeing the person's name appear when I receive a sms, even before I open it.
8) I don't feel comfortable till I wished the person good night every night.
9) I feel slightly down when I have yet to hear from the person on that day.
10) I am willing to sacrifice sleep just to chat with the person a little longer.
11) I wish that the person would contact me more often.
12) I feel insecure if the person responds really slowly to my sms.
13) I am willing to compromise my values just to secure the relationship.
14) I keep wondering if the person feels the same way for me.
15) I fear that the person is dating someone else.
16) I keep the person updated with my daily happenings.
17) I just wanna be vulnerable to the person.
18) I get pissed because I received a sms from someone else rather than that person.
19) I can't sleep because I am thinking of the person, LIKE NOW......
2) I find it difficult to delete the person's sms.
3) I have a list of things to do and places to go with the person.
4) I smile unconsciously whenever I read the person's sms.
5) Days go by really slowly till my next meeting with the person.
6) I wish the person could see me at my job.
7) I feel joy seeing the person's name appear when I receive a sms, even before I open it.
8) I don't feel comfortable till I wished the person good night every night.
9) I feel slightly down when I have yet to hear from the person on that day.
10) I am willing to sacrifice sleep just to chat with the person a little longer.
11) I wish that the person would contact me more often.
12) I feel insecure if the person responds really slowly to my sms.
13) I am willing to compromise my values just to secure the relationship.
14) I keep wondering if the person feels the same way for me.
15) I fear that the person is dating someone else.
16) I keep the person updated with my daily happenings.
17) I just wanna be vulnerable to the person.
18) I get pissed because I received a sms from someone else rather than that person.
19) I can't sleep because I am thinking of the person, LIKE NOW......
Friday, July 17, 2009
Seeing Things in Perspective
Was on my way home last night from my dizi lesson. Was actually feeling quite drained physically cos the night prior I was on the phone with a good friend (thanks J :) ) till late. Because I forgot to bring my dizi to work, I had to rush home to grab it before I rushed to lesson. Overall, I was just exhausted. Was taking my own sweet time to walk towards the coffee shop to grab dinner when I bumped into a visually handicapped person. He was going around with his white cane trying to find his way around. I would have passed him by had he not stopped me. I found out that he was trying to go to a bus-stop which was quite a distance away and with his visual problem, he would take forever to get there without any help. So I offered to guide him there. He offered me his umbrella to hold and we started.
The journey seemed forever. And as expected, we drew stares from the people we passed by. For me to walk at such a slow speed was torturing, considering the fact that I was tired and hungry. But along the way, I couldn't help but feel for that man. I suppose that being without the other senses would not have been as bad as not being able to see. For the poor man, suppose that he could not find anyone who would stop by and help, I wonder if he could ever make it on his own to the bus-stop. I also had to wait with him for his bus to arrive, which tragically was not a frequent one. Wanted to ask around to see if anyone was taking the same bus but I did not feel comfortable leaving him on his own so I just stayed. Finally, the bus arrived and I got him on safely, much to my delight. He thanked me and proceeded on. Great! Time to go get my much deserved or rather much needed dinner. Was too drained to feel proud of a good deed done. I fact I was still feeling down sympathetizing with the man.
Thinking back, I can't help but be thankful for all I have. I know I should not have to look at what others do not have in order to thank God for what I do have, but I guess I have to start somewhere. I know I have said this somewhere in my blog before but I suppose it really bears repeating,.....
I thank God for,......
1) 6/6 vision
2) the ability to hear
3) the ability to communicate
4) people in my life whom I can communicate with
5) a roof over my head
6) family members who care for me
7) friends who accept me just as I am
8) colleagues who offer to buy tea for me
9) a computer for me to type this blog
and so much more,......
The journey seemed forever. And as expected, we drew stares from the people we passed by. For me to walk at such a slow speed was torturing, considering the fact that I was tired and hungry. But along the way, I couldn't help but feel for that man. I suppose that being without the other senses would not have been as bad as not being able to see. For the poor man, suppose that he could not find anyone who would stop by and help, I wonder if he could ever make it on his own to the bus-stop. I also had to wait with him for his bus to arrive, which tragically was not a frequent one. Wanted to ask around to see if anyone was taking the same bus but I did not feel comfortable leaving him on his own so I just stayed. Finally, the bus arrived and I got him on safely, much to my delight. He thanked me and proceeded on. Great! Time to go get my much deserved or rather much needed dinner. Was too drained to feel proud of a good deed done. I fact I was still feeling down sympathetizing with the man.
Thinking back, I can't help but be thankful for all I have. I know I should not have to look at what others do not have in order to thank God for what I do have, but I guess I have to start somewhere. I know I have said this somewhere in my blog before but I suppose it really bears repeating,.....
I thank God for,......
1) 6/6 vision
2) the ability to hear
3) the ability to communicate
4) people in my life whom I can communicate with
5) a roof over my head
6) family members who care for me
7) friends who accept me just as I am
8) colleagues who offer to buy tea for me
9) a computer for me to type this blog
and so much more,......
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Ryan Higa
Been watching the youtube vids from this college student by the name of Ryan Higa. I must say that I really enjoy a lot of them. This is just one of his funny vids. Can check out more of them at youtube. Enjoy,......
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sunday Bloopers
Yap, was playing keyboard for worship again the recent sunday. And again the worship leader was Daniel. Think he is the only one who sees enough potential in me to let me support him in worship leading. It started off with the mandarin worship which was led by Cindy. It was okay during the initial phase until we came to the last worship song. Because we were short of time, Cindy decided to do away with the second last song in prompt to. Problem was that I misread her signal and I ended playing a higher key than what she needed. Worse off was that the chord sheet did not have it transposed in the higher key so I ended up having to stop playing for certain portions of the song. Surprisingly, I was pretty cool about it. I suppose on the normal day I would have freaked out. But somehow I was calm and composed. So I just stopped at certain parts and continued whenever I was confident that I could transpose the key in my mind without much problem.
So that went off fine. Next came the English one. Actually the English worship was pretty ok. Only problem was when Pastor wanted to change one of the songs for the closing. Ended letting Jeff who is the piano expert (and guitar, bass and drums as well! Envy) do the keyboard for the song while I just sat at the back of the stage and rested. When he was done with that, then I took over the rest. Hmmmm, kind of proud of myself that I did not really feel insecure about that. But for my part, I will definitely work harder at my instrument so hopefully such bloopers will not happen again. Hmmmm, still long way to go........
So that went off fine. Next came the English one. Actually the English worship was pretty ok. Only problem was when Pastor wanted to change one of the songs for the closing. Ended letting Jeff who is the piano expert (and guitar, bass and drums as well! Envy) do the keyboard for the song while I just sat at the back of the stage and rested. When he was done with that, then I took over the rest. Hmmmm, kind of proud of myself that I did not really feel insecure about that. But for my part, I will definitely work harder at my instrument so hopefully such bloopers will not happen again. Hmmmm, still long way to go........
Frustrated
Was really relieved yet frustrated with myself just now. Managed to push myself to call my dad to wish him happy birthday finally. Actually the process went pretty ok so that was the relieving part. The frustrating part was that I had to go through so much dread in order to get this done. I remember that at least one week ago, I have already started dreading the fact that I would have to make the call. Each time, I conduct checks for my patients, there is usually a slot on the result slip that I have to fill in the date of the check. So most of the times I filled the date, it was another reminder that july 15 was drawing near. 10/7/09, 11/7/09, 12/7/09.......15/7/09! Sigh. Why do I have to go through so much just to keep a relationship going. I thought that a simple relationship between father and son should not be that tough to maintain. Maybe its just me. Could it be that its really all just in my mind? I do not dare to answer. Don't have the time nor energy to find out. Anyway, now that this is temporarily over, guess I will just take things as they come and not be overly emo bout it.......
Saturday, July 4, 2009
My Bro-in-law's Birthday Bash
Just returnened a while ago from my brother-in-law's birthday party. It was a surprise party actually, planned by my sis. Actually, I was not too keen to go at first (as usual for most occasions) but I forced myself cos I felt the need to socialise more. And having a throbbing headache a couple of hours prior certainly did not help. Okay, finally made it there and on time some more (applause)!
Initially I felt kind of uncomfortable (another norm) cos I had not hung out with the group there for quite some time. It made it worse when most there were families (as in husbands, wives with their babies). Anyway, I got through the initial phase and got to the eating part. That, I must say was pretty enjoyable. We ate at a restaurant called 'The Scholar'. The food was really good, to say the least.
When we were done, we headed to my sis' place for cake cutting session. Before we sang the birthday boy his song, my sis did one of the most romantic thing I have ever experienced. She wrote and declared in front of all of us the things she loved about her hubby, the details of which I shall not mention. As she read, she started to tear. I was really moved inside cos I saw the relationship that she and her husband enjoyed. What made all these more precious was that we did not get to see this kind of love in our parents. As far as I could remember, my parents were most of the times at cold shoulders with each other till they finally divorced close to a decade ago. So, for me to see my sister in such a beautiful family with such a loving husband and great kids, it really touched me a lot. And I can only thank God for making this possible, knowing the kind of background we came from. Wished I recorded it though. Would have been nice to keep it as a memory......
Initially I felt kind of uncomfortable (another norm) cos I had not hung out with the group there for quite some time. It made it worse when most there were families (as in husbands, wives with their babies). Anyway, I got through the initial phase and got to the eating part. That, I must say was pretty enjoyable. We ate at a restaurant called 'The Scholar'. The food was really good, to say the least.
When we were done, we headed to my sis' place for cake cutting session. Before we sang the birthday boy his song, my sis did one of the most romantic thing I have ever experienced. She wrote and declared in front of all of us the things she loved about her hubby, the details of which I shall not mention. As she read, she started to tear. I was really moved inside cos I saw the relationship that she and her husband enjoyed. What made all these more precious was that we did not get to see this kind of love in our parents. As far as I could remember, my parents were most of the times at cold shoulders with each other till they finally divorced close to a decade ago. So, for me to see my sister in such a beautiful family with such a loving husband and great kids, it really touched me a lot. And I can only thank God for making this possible, knowing the kind of background we came from. Wished I recorded it though. Would have been nice to keep it as a memory......
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