**Dream Revived

Actually, this word really came unexpected. I was at a church meeting tonight. The worship was going great. I was not. Everyone seemed to be flowing and lost in the Spirit (You know that to be so when people start singing off key and start laughing away, almost uncontrollably). But I could not focus on God and on worshiping. There were too many things on my mind. Then when we were done with worship, my pastor had a word for me.

He said he saw me kneeling and in front of me was a shaft of light. It was not on me but in front of me. It was the light of the word. The reason it was not shining on me was because I was too focused on me (He was spot on). He then said that I need to meditate on the word and then the word would shine on me and be the lamp onto my feet. He also said that God's calling on me had never changed. He said that he saw me preaching to people. In fact, he also saw a pastoral anointing on me as well. He said that I used to have a measure of meditating on God's word but I lost it along the way. All he said were spot on man.

I knew God was knocking on my door. I thought I would just break down and lose it totally. To my surprise I remained pretty composed. I guess I was in a sense delighted that the call to preach was still open to me. After so long, I was starting to wonder if all the preaching stuff was just some fantasy I had when I was younger. God confirmed it was and still is a call in my life.

So yes, I need to start meditating on God's word again. This time more seriously. It's really time to take my eyes off myself and on to the word......

Why I Drive Myself Crazy: The Birthday Besh Of The Year

Great! It's 2 a.m. in the morning on this wonderful Saturday morning and here I am on my bed typing away on my iPad cause I can't sleep. And this is despite the fact I have downed myself with medication which causes drowsiness and sprayed 2 mg worth of melatonin prior to sleep. To top it up, it is drizzling outside!

In just 3 hours I will be in a cab on my way to the ferry terminal to catch a ride to Bintan for my well-deserved weekend break. I would have tried to just laze on bed till I drift back to slumberland (if I could) on any other occasion but I felt I should just pen down my thoughts so I could just release them before I attempt to sleep again.

It's about last night's dinner. The one dinner I so dread in the year (other than father's day). In a sense, I am glad I made it through alive. On the other, the dinner turned out to be such a drama I would have so enjoyed watching had I not been involved in it. Who needs soap operas when life presents such situations at your face? Let's set the stage for this episode of the series "Damn, your life sucks!" which the lead actor is of course yours truly......

1) My sis, my pillar of support was not around. She's with her hubby in Hong Kong. This trip was planned months before. Of all things, the departure day had to fall on dad's birthday. So, being the filial daughter she was, she tried to schedule a lunch date with dad instead, only to receive scoldings and having the phone hung on her. Seemed very familiar. It's one of dad's favorite stunts. It works well cause you get to scold the other party to your heart's content then you cut off the communication thereby disallowing the other party to explain themselves or even to apologize. Very good weapon indeed. I can see why dad was upset. Yet, I have yet to see how this kind of treatment benefits any side or facilitates any Godly resolution.

2) My dad's wife, whom I call auntie was not around as well. Apparently, they had some argument about money issues and were ignoring each other. Auntie tried to call a number of times to wish him happy birthday and hopefully get to really talk things out. Well, I need not mention it was to no avail. Auntie then proceeded to call me (seems like I am the shoulder to cry on) and to explain to me the situation and her standpoint. So without her around, there is hardly any conversation over any dinner table. Who could I depend on to break the silence?

Perfect situation ain't it? The word 'dread' took on a whole new meaning last night. I seriously can't remember when I really dreaded to do anything or go anywhere to such an extent. To make things worse, I didn't particularly enjoy spending time with the relatives on my dad's side. To me, they were really weird. And I mean Weird! Take for example this auntie who just talks her mind so much and talks too much for that matter that her son has to attempt to hush her multiple times throughout dinner. Of course, when she talked to almost everyone over the dinner table, it had finally come to me......

I can't remember when was the last time anyone had been pushing me to get married. Even my mum gives me the liberty to take my time with this. And this auntie had to come along and ask me to get married, preferably next year cause it's the year of the dragon. Then there is an uncle whom I have not seen for a long time (not that I miss him). I remember him telling two things which stuck with me. One is that though he may not understand a particular foreign language, he has this ability to tell if someone is cursing him. Hmmm, rare gift I must say. Then the next one is that he charges the students he tutors according to the grades they want. I.e grade A will cost this much, grade B will then cost this much and son forth. Hmmm, innovative way to determine your tuition fees ain't it. I think you get the point. To be fair, there are really nice ones of whom I was reminded again last evening that still existed though a minority I must say. So the summary is that I don't really like them. In fact, I am really so ignorant of my relationship with most of them I only sort of realize 2 of them were actually my cousins last night! Enough said......

So throughout the dinner, I felt a sense of awkwardness from time to time. Then about halfway through the dinner, the climax came. Auntie called. But she was smart. She knew dad would not answer the phone so she called one of my uncles instead. I think she just wanted to wish my dad happy birthday through that uncle but he ended up passing his phone over to my dad. Bad mistake! At first it was a pretty silent conversation to me since dad would not say anything when he is pissed off. Then again, he says nothing most of the time! Then my dad started to dominate the conversation scolding her. He started to say things like she did not respect him, he had enough of her, so many years of tolerating her, etc. To me, I figured she was still trying to salvage the relationship to the best of her ability. But this time, it ain't working. Dad seems determined to have nothing to do with her from now on. I wonder if he has ever pondered on how she has taken care of him these years. I wonder if he has ever realized he is not the easiest person to live with at all. I wonder if it has ever crossed his mind who will take care of him henceforth if he dumps her. I guess not.

So the phone conversation went on for about maybe 20 minutes while everyone else around had to pretend nothing serious was going on. Next thing I knew, he was off the line. I do not know what's the verdict and frankly I can't be bothered. If dad does not care about the issue, I don't see why I should. Maybe that's why I am not married yet. I think maybe deep inside there is a fear of my marriage turning out like this. This is like the third relationship and second marriage my dad has had ever since he and mum went separate ways. Mind you my dad was at least sixty when he divorced my mum.

I think the highlight of the dinner for me was when it was over. I could finally go, hallelujah! Of course, more stuff went on during dinner but I think you get the point of how warped my family history is. I think the toughest part is not really the going through of all these family situations. To me, the toughest part is trying to control my attitude and thoughts throughout all these. I feel really bad for the way dad treated sis during this period. Again, I empathize with dad somewhat but watching my sis take all the baby steps towards trying to mend the broken relationship between father and daughter, I really feel for her. All the effort seemingly destroyed by just one incident. How do you maintain a relationship properly with someone when you are treading on egg shells all the time? I have it easier cause I know dad dotes on me somewhat. But many a times I really have to harden my heart to my dad in order not to get hurt again. To be frank, I am at this stage in life where I can almost say I don't really care even if he goes to hell. Somehow as a man, I find it easier to detach myself from this but I know it ain't the same way for women. That's probably why auntie, despite all the things she experienced from dad, still seeks reconciliation. I can imagine her I Taiwan now crying away, troubled and unable to sleep. Yet, I can imagine dad sleeping soundly at this very moment.

I really feel this conflict within me. I attribute this to my Christian beliefs. On one hand, I know it is right for me to honor dad and God wants me to have a proper attitude towards him. Yet on the other, my life is already troubled enough without dad. Why do I want to let him into my life and give me further problems? There are issues in my life I have him to thank. But looking from another standpoint can I really blame him? Does he really know any better? Judging from his life now, I can safely conclude he really does not know any better. So is that good enough reason to let down my guard, knowing one wrong move could lead me to the same plight as sis? 'love never fails'. Boy does that verse sound so profound now. Seriously, I know yet I do not want to act.

Well, at least I got that off my chest. It's now 4 a.m. and I am due to wake up in an hour's time. Time to go back to bed.

"Father I thank you that you are the perfect father. I know you are holding on to my hand. In my weakness, show Yourself strong".

Pre-Dinner Blues

So here I am siting by the dinner table, waiting for the dinner I dread most in my life: dad's birthday bash. To help the feeling of dread, my dad's wife and my sis will not be around. Then there will be the relatives whom I'll rather not meet. Making small talk has never been so challenging. Then trying to recall the terms to address them by makes it worse. All of us gathering to please a man who cannot be pleased. Great way to the start of the weekend ain't it. Sigh. Think I better stop before I commit suicide in this beautiful restaurant. God bless Jonah.......

I Realised Something

I think I kind of understand why I enjoy music lessons so much. I think it's because I tend to shift my focus on the instrument I am learning and thus forget the issues of life. Even after lesson, there is still a residual euphoria I experience that sort of negates the 'emo'ness I feel from time to time. Can't seem to do the same with work. When I am really 'emo', it seems to eat into my work instead of work being a form of distraction. The conclusion: sign up for more lessons! ;)

End Of Lesson 1

So I went through lesson 1 this evening and I was reminded all over again why I used to enjoy my former BM lessons though I realized it was a ripoff. The class was relatively small compared to my former lessons. The people were nice and friendly (as expected). I went with the attitude that it would be a breeze considering my former guitar training and I was taken aback. It was tougher than I expected. I guess it's a good thing cos it means I am getting my money's worth.

I saw this girl whom I remembered befriending but for some strange reason, I can't recall her name. I think I need to add Ginko to my list of supplements soon. My only impression is that I have chatted with her before but nothing more than that. Yet she gives me the feel we had more than chatted before. I wouldn't be surprised if we even attended the same church before. As time goes, I really trust my memory less and less. Recently, a newly joined colleague of mine asked if I had been taking lessons at BM before and I was shocked! Turned out we took guitar lessons together before! That really shocked me. When she first started work, I really had no impression of her at all. I think I am really fulfilling the scripture from Philippians which says,"forgetting what lies behind......."and I am fulfilling it to the dot. Other than a good dose of Ginko, think I also need to go through some memory course. OMG!

Pleasant Surprise

It's hard to believe I am taking up music lessons again. So here I am siting outside the classroom of Believer Music waiting for my class, which if history is anything to go by will most likely start late. This time I am taking up electric guitar. I figured that I need to be spending money in order to keep the discipline to practice. Another advantage is that I'll keep my mind occupied from thinking emo stuff.

Been a little disappointed lately with some friends. Feels like I am a convenient friend of sorts. What I mean is that friends seem to wanna spend time with me only when there is reason to and the reason's not because I am missed. The only o e I can think of is my army friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis even though he is married. Somehow I feel assured even in the busiest time of life he will still have time for me. Unfortunately I can't say that for many of my other friends. What a shame. Yet, I realize that they are not obligated to me in any way. Maybe it's me who is the problem, not them.

Anyway, it's about time for class. It still irks me to see people staring into classes they don't belong to. It seems increasingly more difficult to ind our own business nowadays. Crap!

Jesus take the wheel

Guess it's unfair to show the original version but this is a really nice song......

Jesus take the Wii

I know it's really mean of me to laugh at someone's inability to articulate and pronounce but I really enjoyed this......