Great! It's 2 a.m. in the morning on this wonderful Saturday morning and
here I am on my bed typing away on my iPad cause I can't sleep. And
this is despite the fact I have downed myself with medication which
causes drowsiness and sprayed 2 mg worth of melatonin prior to sleep. To
top it up, it is drizzling outside!
In just 3 hours I will be in a cab on my way to the ferry terminal to
catch a ride to Bintan for my well-deserved weekend break. I would have
tried to just laze on bed till I drift back to slumberland (if I could)
on any other occasion but I felt I should just pen down my thoughts so I
could just release them before I attempt to sleep again.
It's about last night's dinner. The one dinner I so dread in the year
(other than father's day). In a sense, I am glad I made it through
alive. On the other, the dinner turned out to be such a drama I would
have so enjoyed watching had I not been involved in it. Who needs soap
operas when life presents such situations at your face? Let's set the
stage for this episode of the series "Damn, your life sucks!" which the
lead actor is of course yours truly......
1) My sis, my pillar of support was not around. She's with her hubby in
Hong Kong. This trip was planned months before. Of all things, the
departure day had to fall on dad's birthday. So, being the filial
daughter she was, she tried to schedule a lunch date with dad instead,
only to receive scoldings and having the phone hung on her. Seemed very
familiar. It's one of dad's favorite stunts. It works well cause you get
to scold the other party to your heart's content then you cut off the
communication thereby disallowing the other party to explain themselves
or even to apologize. Very good weapon indeed. I can see why dad was
upset. Yet, I have yet to see how this kind of treatment benefits any
side or facilitates any Godly resolution.
2) My dad's wife, whom I call auntie was not around as well. Apparently,
they had some argument about money issues and were ignoring each other.
Auntie tried to call a number of times to wish him happy birthday and
hopefully get to really talk things out. Well, I need not mention it was
to no avail. Auntie then proceeded to call me (seems like I am the
shoulder to cry on) and to explain to me the situation and her
standpoint. So without her around, there is hardly any conversation over
any dinner table. Who could I depend on to break the silence?
Perfect situation ain't it? The word 'dread' took on a whole new meaning
last night. I seriously can't remember when I really dreaded to do
anything or go anywhere to such an extent. To make things worse, I
didn't particularly enjoy spending time with the relatives on my dad's
side. To me, they were really weird. And I mean Weird! Take for example
this auntie who just talks her mind so much and talks too much for that
matter that her son has to attempt to hush her multiple times throughout
dinner. Of course, when she talked to almost everyone over the dinner
table, it had finally come to me......
I can't remember when was the last time anyone had been pushing me to
get married. Even my mum gives me the liberty to take my time with this.
And this auntie had to come along and ask me to get married, preferably
next year cause it's the year of the dragon. Then there is an uncle
whom I have not seen for a long time (not that I miss him). I remember
him telling two things which stuck with me. One is that though he may
not understand a particular foreign language, he has this ability to
tell if someone is cursing him. Hmmm, rare gift I must say. Then the
next one is that he charges the students he tutors according to the
grades they want. I.e grade A will cost this much, grade B will then
cost this much and son forth. Hmmm, innovative way to determine your
tuition fees ain't it. I think you get the point. To be fair, there are
really nice ones of whom I was reminded again last evening that still
existed though a minority I must say. So the summary is that I don't
really like them. In fact, I am really so ignorant of my relationship
with most of them I only sort of realize 2 of them were actually my
cousins last night! Enough said......
So throughout the dinner, I felt a sense of awkwardness from time to
time. Then about halfway through the dinner, the climax came. Auntie
called. But she was smart. She knew dad would not answer the phone so
she called one of my uncles instead. I think she just wanted to wish my
dad happy birthday through that uncle but he ended up passing his phone
over to my dad. Bad mistake! At first it was a pretty silent
conversation to me since dad would not say anything when he is pissed
off. Then again, he says nothing most of the time! Then my dad started
to dominate the conversation scolding her. He started to say things like
she did not respect him, he had enough of her, so many years of
tolerating her, etc. To me, I figured she was still trying to salvage
the relationship to the best of her ability. But this time, it ain't
working. Dad seems determined to have nothing to do with her from now
on. I wonder if he has ever pondered on how she has taken care of him
these years. I wonder if he has ever realized he is not the easiest
person to live with at all. I wonder if it has ever crossed his mind who
will take care of him henceforth if he dumps her. I guess not.
So the phone conversation went on for about maybe 20 minutes while
everyone else around had to pretend nothing serious was going on. Next
thing I knew, he was off the line. I do not know what's the verdict and
frankly I can't be bothered. If dad does not care about the issue, I
don't see why I should. Maybe that's why I am not married yet. I think
maybe deep inside there is a fear of my marriage turning out like this.
This is like the third relationship and second marriage my dad has had
ever since he and mum went separate ways. Mind you my dad was at least
sixty when he divorced my mum.
I think the highlight of the dinner for me was when it was over. I could
finally go, hallelujah! Of course, more stuff went on during dinner but
I think you get the point of how warped my family history is. I think
the toughest part is not really the going through of all these family
situations. To me, the toughest part is trying to control my attitude
and thoughts throughout all these. I feel really bad for the way dad
treated sis during this period. Again, I empathize with dad somewhat but
watching my sis take all the baby steps towards trying to mend the
broken relationship between father and daughter, I really feel for her.
All the effort seemingly destroyed by just one incident. How do you
maintain a relationship properly with someone when you are treading on
egg shells all the time? I have it easier cause I know dad dotes on me
somewhat. But many a times I really have to harden my heart to my dad in
order not to get hurt again. To be frank, I am at this stage in life
where I can almost say I don't really care even if he goes to hell.
Somehow as a man, I find it easier to detach myself from this but I know
it ain't the same way for women. That's probably why auntie, despite
all the things she experienced from dad, still seeks reconciliation. I
can imagine her I Taiwan now crying away, troubled and unable to sleep.
Yet, I can imagine dad sleeping soundly at this very moment.
I really feel this conflict within me. I attribute this to my Christian
beliefs. On one hand, I know it is right for me to honor dad and God
wants me to have a proper attitude towards him. Yet on the other, my
life is already troubled enough without dad. Why do I want to let him
into my life and give me further problems? There are issues in my life I
have him to thank. But looking from another standpoint can I really
blame him? Does he really know any better? Judging from his life now, I
can safely conclude he really does not know any better. So is that good
enough reason to let down my guard, knowing one wrong move could lead me
to the same plight as sis? 'love never fails'. Boy does that verse
sound so profound now. Seriously, I know yet I do not want to act.
Well, at least I got that off my chest. It's now 4 a.m. and I am due to wake up in an hour's time. Time to go back to bed.
"Father I thank you that you are the perfect father. I know you are holding on to my hand. In my weakness, show Yourself strong".
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