Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Humbling Myself
It was an interesting lifegroup last evening. I did something which I don't think I would have done but also wish I would never have to do again. I felt led the previous lifegroup to apologize to a fellow member in the lifegroup setting for having judged him. I told God that as long as He wanted it I would do it.
So last night I was reminded again at the end of the session and I did it. I stood in front of everyone and told him I was sorry for having judged him. It really scared me, being so vulnerable to show my inside thoughts even though I am sure I was not the only one who felt those negative feelings, though that's beside the point. Think it triggered something in the spirit. Anyway, I think I would think twice for ever judging anyone ever again.....
So last night I was reminded again at the end of the session and I did it. I stood in front of everyone and told him I was sorry for having judged him. It really scared me, being so vulnerable to show my inside thoughts even though I am sure I was not the only one who felt those negative feelings, though that's beside the point. Think it triggered something in the spirit. Anyway, I think I would think twice for ever judging anyone ever again.....
J: A Closed Chapter
I was pleasantly surprised a couple of days ago when this incident happened. Following RTF and meditating on God's word, I suddenly had an idea to include J in my 7 week prayer. It was a good experience. For once I could pray for J as a friend and nothing more than that. In fact I quite enjoyed it. I could imagine J coming to know the Lord and becoming on fire for Him. Then one day, I just felt led to stop praying for J and remove the item totally from my prayer list. I felt very at ease doing it, knowing God is at work and there is no longer a soul tie between the both of us.
So glad I could finally close one really big and heavy chapter in my life. Time to get moving......
I used to wish J never happened in my life. Now I am at peace about it, knowing what the devil meant for evil God really turned it out for good. Thank you Father.
So glad I could finally close one really big and heavy chapter in my life. Time to get moving......
I used to wish J never happened in my life. Now I am at peace about it, knowing what the devil meant for evil God really turned it out for good. Thank you Father.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
My Last Session Or My First
So, it's official. I am now known as the brave man in my class of inner healing. People have come up to me to encourage me for having the courage to be the demonstratee in front of the whole class. For those who do not know me personally, I think they'll probably imagine me to be a super wrecked up person in life. They are right. Looking at myself from an outsider's point of view I would classify myself as a "loser" in life. In fact it has kind of dawned on me that it is a miracle I managed to hold out to this point in time. 'If not for the grace of God'. This phrase seems to hold more meaning to me now than ever. Back to being the brave man in class. Actually it's not a matter of bravery in my case, it's a case of desperation. Seeing no way out of my situation I was willing to try most anything for the hope that one day I would be whole again. Don't mention being a demonstratee. Even if I have to stand in front of my church to make a confession I would if it meant wholeness for me again.
After four sessions of RTF, Sunday was the very last session for me. It had been an enlightening journey for me these four weeks. Even though there are still some philosophies I struggle with when it comes to inner healing, I must say I have been decently convinced through all that have happened thus far. It was interesting for me because one of my biggest questions in regards to deliverance was answered on Sunday's session. A lady who was from my former church asked a question about being demon possessed. She was asking if it is valid to cast demons out of Christians, since we have been taught Christians can never be demon possessed since the holy spirit indwells us. The pastor's answer was such an obvious one yet I never really gave thought to it. He mentioned that since part of Christ's work was to bring healing, Christians should not even be sick at all. He also said that officially demons should not be able to possess Christians, but it does not mean they would not try. Same things goes to the verse that says 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' Does it mean that Christians should not have any problems since God is for us? It was like someone knocked me on the head as the pastor explained his stand in regards to the lady's question. It's funny that the answer can be so obvious yet so elusive. I wanted to blame my former pastor for this misconception but I realised the minister he gleaned a lot of spiritual truths from also believed the same thing.
At last I finally got the chance to be prayed for by the man himself. He was the second last person I had yet to receive a word from and I was excited about it. It turned out the word he gave me was the shortest of the whole group. Funny how God works. Anyway, the last session was really the beginning for me. God seems to be indicating that I should be continuing with this study for some time to come. So I got the whole DVD series and will be delving into it, maybe even today. Whopeee......
After four sessions of RTF, Sunday was the very last session for me. It had been an enlightening journey for me these four weeks. Even though there are still some philosophies I struggle with when it comes to inner healing, I must say I have been decently convinced through all that have happened thus far. It was interesting for me because one of my biggest questions in regards to deliverance was answered on Sunday's session. A lady who was from my former church asked a question about being demon possessed. She was asking if it is valid to cast demons out of Christians, since we have been taught Christians can never be demon possessed since the holy spirit indwells us. The pastor's answer was such an obvious one yet I never really gave thought to it. He mentioned that since part of Christ's work was to bring healing, Christians should not even be sick at all. He also said that officially demons should not be able to possess Christians, but it does not mean they would not try. Same things goes to the verse that says 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' Does it mean that Christians should not have any problems since God is for us? It was like someone knocked me on the head as the pastor explained his stand in regards to the lady's question. It's funny that the answer can be so obvious yet so elusive. I wanted to blame my former pastor for this misconception but I realised the minister he gleaned a lot of spiritual truths from also believed the same thing.
At last I finally got the chance to be prayed for by the man himself. He was the second last person I had yet to receive a word from and I was excited about it. It turned out the word he gave me was the shortest of the whole group. Funny how God works. Anyway, the last session was really the beginning for me. God seems to be indicating that I should be continuing with this study for some time to come. So I got the whole DVD series and will be delving into it, maybe even today. Whopeee......
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Doing Things Alone
For someone who has a phobia of being alone and doing things alone, I
think should be proud of myself. Somehow the fear has diminished
somewhat. In fact, I seem to enjoy being alone of late. Somehow there's
things I need to do which I can't do with others but God. Ever since I
had my breakthrough in delving into the word more, it feels like I am
playing catchup spiritually. Whatever amount of spare time I have left
in the day, I'll rather spend the time meditating on God's word or
something as meaningful.
The last movie I caught was almost one month ago and the reason I caught it was because I promised my colleagues to go. Since then, I don't think I have even watched tv at home except for dinner time. Somehow the urgency of keeping my eye gate pure seems to be of paramount importance now. I am walking out of a bondage that had been a very integral part of my life since my teenage years. The roots are deep so I am treading on delicate ground here. But I believe this is the God has appointed for me to walk free so I am really trusting God that it all ends here.
So yar, I am glad that for now, I am enjoying being alone. In fact, I really miss two of my buddies whom I have been trying to meet up with until now. I was supposed to meet up with them this evening before my lesson but somehow both were unable to make it. Strangely there is a strange delight almost since I am able to sit at my favorite cafe and spend my time reading up on soul ties and praying over them in my life. Then I also get to spend time meditating on the by now 4-5 page bible scripture which I have faithfully been meditating on for almost 1 month now. God grant me the discipline to go on till I see the fruits manifest in my life in such a tangible way. Okie, just a little more to go before I head off for lesson. Thank you Lord for Your faithfulness to me. ; )
The last movie I caught was almost one month ago and the reason I caught it was because I promised my colleagues to go. Since then, I don't think I have even watched tv at home except for dinner time. Somehow the urgency of keeping my eye gate pure seems to be of paramount importance now. I am walking out of a bondage that had been a very integral part of my life since my teenage years. The roots are deep so I am treading on delicate ground here. But I believe this is the God has appointed for me to walk free so I am really trusting God that it all ends here.
So yar, I am glad that for now, I am enjoying being alone. In fact, I really miss two of my buddies whom I have been trying to meet up with until now. I was supposed to meet up with them this evening before my lesson but somehow both were unable to make it. Strangely there is a strange delight almost since I am able to sit at my favorite cafe and spend my time reading up on soul ties and praying over them in my life. Then I also get to spend time meditating on the by now 4-5 page bible scripture which I have faithfully been meditating on for almost 1 month now. God grant me the discipline to go on till I see the fruits manifest in my life in such a tangible way. Okie, just a little more to go before I head off for lesson. Thank you Lord for Your faithfulness to me. ; )
Monday, August 15, 2011
Prophecy
It was a new experience for me yesterday for the 3rd module of RTF. I have never had so many people prophesying over me in one session. The leader decided to do something different and had every single member of his team prophesy over every single person who was at the session. So I ended up with 5 prophecies and have another 3 more to go this coming Sunday. I would never queue for prophecy cos I never believed in asking for a prophecy. At the back of my mind, it seems immature to have to go around looking for prophecies instead of God bringing it to you on a prn basis. So the experience was really new to me. But it was also a really encouraging experience for me. Every prophecy spoken over me was so encouraging and edifying for me I was moved to tears.
One major lesson I learnt form the session was about forgiveness. In times past, I have been taught the importance of forgiving the person who has offended me. But one very major step was left out in the process and that was to let God heal the hurt caused. That was really new to me. Very often, I thought the only step to do after being offended was to forgive the person and that was it. That's a reason many people can pray the forgiveness prayer and yet not move on because the hurt's still around! Going through the session, I felt quite resentful against my former pastor. During my teenage years I was so hungry for God's word I practically devoured all the teachings my former pastor had given. That was good but he left out so much of other teachings I never realised I was becoming lopsided in my foundation.
LOL. I guess I need to go through the forgiveness as well as let God heal the hurt as well. Just kidding. But this really goes to show the importance of having a balanced word diet. In the midst of the teaching module I could relate to almost every symptom the teacher was talking about in the context of having been hurt. I was expecting a major breakdown when he ministered to me during the demonstration. But he felt God wanted to do the session coming week instead. So I was spared, for a week that is. In a sense I am kind of apprehensive of what's gonna happen this Sunday. Yet, I think there's a hidden excitement since I am more than aware there are tons of issues within me that need to be dealt with. God have mercy on me......
One major lesson I learnt form the session was about forgiveness. In times past, I have been taught the importance of forgiving the person who has offended me. But one very major step was left out in the process and that was to let God heal the hurt caused. That was really new to me. Very often, I thought the only step to do after being offended was to forgive the person and that was it. That's a reason many people can pray the forgiveness prayer and yet not move on because the hurt's still around! Going through the session, I felt quite resentful against my former pastor. During my teenage years I was so hungry for God's word I practically devoured all the teachings my former pastor had given. That was good but he left out so much of other teachings I never realised I was becoming lopsided in my foundation.
LOL. I guess I need to go through the forgiveness as well as let God heal the hurt as well. Just kidding. But this really goes to show the importance of having a balanced word diet. In the midst of the teaching module I could relate to almost every symptom the teacher was talking about in the context of having been hurt. I was expecting a major breakdown when he ministered to me during the demonstration. But he felt God wanted to do the session coming week instead. So I was spared, for a week that is. In a sense I am kind of apprehensive of what's gonna happen this Sunday. Yet, I think there's a hidden excitement since I am more than aware there are tons of issues within me that need to be dealt with. God have mercy on me......
Saturday, August 13, 2011
** Inner Healing
I was to a certain extent dreading yesterday's RTF module, knowing I would have to place myself in a place of vulnerability in front of the public and hanging dirty linen in public has never been the least appealing to me. But having commited to being the demonstratee for all the sessions, I knew I had to keep to my word. So, the time came to go to the front to be ministered to. The day's topic was on ungodly beliefs.
So the pastor worked with me through my ungodly belief which was that I am always on the outside and that I am alone. Frankly, I can't remember the finer details of the conversation. The memorable part was when we came to the part of finding out what was the core of that belief which was the fact I believed I was not normal and that's why people would reject me. At some point I started to cry which was in a way nice yet unpleasant. It was nice to be able to forgive people who have caused my ungodly belief but unpleasant to breakdown while some 20 pairs of eyes are looking at you. Of course it did not really matter then.
We then proceeded to try to construct a Godly belief to replace the ungodly belief that was broken. By that time I was just too spaced out to think properly. It came to the point the pastor got one of his helpers to bring me elsewhere to continue ministering to me. So my pastor's wife brought us to a room and before she left, she hugged me. I started to break down again. For one, I did not expect her to hug me. Then I felt so loved by her. Then I was alone with the assistant where I continued to cry for an extended amount of time. I saw walls and I saw them being torn down. I knew it was walls I had built up between people and more importantly God. I remember weeping away as I told God He was the last One I wanted to have walls come between.
So the pastor worked with me through my ungodly belief which was that I am always on the outside and that I am alone. Frankly, I can't remember the finer details of the conversation. The memorable part was when we came to the part of finding out what was the core of that belief which was the fact I believed I was not normal and that's why people would reject me. At some point I started to cry which was in a way nice yet unpleasant. It was nice to be able to forgive people who have caused my ungodly belief but unpleasant to breakdown while some 20 pairs of eyes are looking at you. Of course it did not really matter then.
We then proceeded to try to construct a Godly belief to replace the ungodly belief that was broken. By that time I was just too spaced out to think properly. It came to the point the pastor got one of his helpers to bring me elsewhere to continue ministering to me. So my pastor's wife brought us to a room and before she left, she hugged me. I started to break down again. For one, I did not expect her to hug me. Then I felt so loved by her. Then I was alone with the assistant where I continued to cry for an extended amount of time. I saw walls and I saw them being torn down. I knew it was walls I had built up between people and more importantly God. I remember weeping away as I told God He was the last One I wanted to have walls come between.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Thoughts Of Late
Couple of things happened in my life recently that are of note so I figured I better note them down before they fade into oblivion......
1) I have started on meditating on the word on a more consistent basis of late. It started with the word my pastor gave to me bout 2 weeks ago and coincided with my lifegroup leader 'forcing' the whole group to do a 2 page scripture meditation and confession. So all these went great and I am really thankful to God for the headstart to it. Since then, I have started experiencing more clarity especially for work (I usually go around work in a 'duh' state most of the time). I realise I also started making more sound and wise decisions which I usually do not make though I know I have to. Now I have gotten into the habit so much I am doing it consistently first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening.
2) I have deleted some contacts from facebook which I know are not edifing for my walk with God. It was tough, but it was necessary. I realised sometimes when I saw posts from them, it would evoke ungodly feeling in me. So one night, I got up from bed and just did it. God protect me from adding rubbish to my fb account ever again. Amen.
3) I started on this course called 'Restoring The Foundation'. It is Christian course aimed at dealing with spiritual issues which affects our lives like generational curses, ungodly beliefs, inner healing and demonic oppression. The main reason I started on this was that there were challenges in my life which I could not overcome. My life had started to revolve around the challenges and I found it hard to move on. So I am praying that by the end of the course, the underlying issues (if any) would be dealt with. I still have 3 more sessions to go.
4) At a little bit of a crossroad in my life. I have so many things I wanna do but so little time to devote to them. Also, I do not want to come to the end of the road and see the amount of time I have wasted on things which really did not matter in the first place. Sigh,...... I used to need wisdom prior, I think I need strength now to carry out what is wise......
1) I have started on meditating on the word on a more consistent basis of late. It started with the word my pastor gave to me bout 2 weeks ago and coincided with my lifegroup leader 'forcing' the whole group to do a 2 page scripture meditation and confession. So all these went great and I am really thankful to God for the headstart to it. Since then, I have started experiencing more clarity especially for work (I usually go around work in a 'duh' state most of the time). I realise I also started making more sound and wise decisions which I usually do not make though I know I have to. Now I have gotten into the habit so much I am doing it consistently first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening.
2) I have deleted some contacts from facebook which I know are not edifing for my walk with God. It was tough, but it was necessary. I realised sometimes when I saw posts from them, it would evoke ungodly feeling in me. So one night, I got up from bed and just did it. God protect me from adding rubbish to my fb account ever again. Amen.
3) I started on this course called 'Restoring The Foundation'. It is Christian course aimed at dealing with spiritual issues which affects our lives like generational curses, ungodly beliefs, inner healing and demonic oppression. The main reason I started on this was that there were challenges in my life which I could not overcome. My life had started to revolve around the challenges and I found it hard to move on. So I am praying that by the end of the course, the underlying issues (if any) would be dealt with. I still have 3 more sessions to go.
4) At a little bit of a crossroad in my life. I have so many things I wanna do but so little time to devote to them. Also, I do not want to come to the end of the road and see the amount of time I have wasted on things which really did not matter in the first place. Sigh,...... I used to need wisdom prior, I think I need strength now to carry out what is wise......
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