I was to a certain extent dreading yesterday's RTF module, knowing I would have to place myself in a place of vulnerability in front of the public and hanging dirty linen in public has never been the least appealing to me. But having commited to being the demonstratee for all the sessions, I knew I had to keep to my word. So, the time came to go to the front to be ministered to. The day's topic was on ungodly beliefs.
So the pastor worked with me through my ungodly belief which was that I am always on the outside and that I am alone. Frankly, I can't remember the finer details of the conversation. The memorable part was when we came to the part of finding out what was the core of that belief which was the fact I believed I was not normal and that's why people would reject me. At some point I started to cry which was in a way nice yet unpleasant. It was nice to be able to forgive people who have caused my ungodly belief but unpleasant to breakdown while some 20 pairs of eyes are looking at you. Of course it did not really matter then.
We then proceeded to try to construct a Godly belief to replace the ungodly belief that was broken. By that time I was just too spaced out to think properly. It came to the point the pastor got one of his helpers to bring me elsewhere to continue ministering to me. So my pastor's wife brought us to a room and before she left, she hugged me. I started to break down again. For one, I did not expect her to hug me. Then I felt so loved by her. Then I was alone with the assistant where I continued to cry for an extended amount of time. I saw walls and I saw them being torn down. I knew it was walls I had built up between people and more importantly God. I remember weeping away as I told God He was the last One I wanted to have walls come between.
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