Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Humbling Myself
It was an interesting lifegroup last evening. I did something which I don't think I would have done but also wish I would never have to do again. I felt led the previous lifegroup to apologize to a fellow member in the lifegroup setting for having judged him. I told God that as long as He wanted it I would do it.
So last night I was reminded again at the end of the session and I did it. I stood in front of everyone and told him I was sorry for having judged him. It really scared me, being so vulnerable to show my inside thoughts even though I am sure I was not the only one who felt those negative feelings, though that's beside the point. Think it triggered something in the spirit. Anyway, I think I would think twice for ever judging anyone ever again.....
So last night I was reminded again at the end of the session and I did it. I stood in front of everyone and told him I was sorry for having judged him. It really scared me, being so vulnerable to show my inside thoughts even though I am sure I was not the only one who felt those negative feelings, though that's beside the point. Think it triggered something in the spirit. Anyway, I think I would think twice for ever judging anyone ever again.....
J: A Closed Chapter
I was pleasantly surprised a couple of days ago when this incident happened. Following RTF and meditating on God's word, I suddenly had an idea to include J in my 7 week prayer. It was a good experience. For once I could pray for J as a friend and nothing more than that. In fact I quite enjoyed it. I could imagine J coming to know the Lord and becoming on fire for Him. Then one day, I just felt led to stop praying for J and remove the item totally from my prayer list. I felt very at ease doing it, knowing God is at work and there is no longer a soul tie between the both of us.
So glad I could finally close one really big and heavy chapter in my life. Time to get moving......
I used to wish J never happened in my life. Now I am at peace about it, knowing what the devil meant for evil God really turned it out for good. Thank you Father.
So glad I could finally close one really big and heavy chapter in my life. Time to get moving......
I used to wish J never happened in my life. Now I am at peace about it, knowing what the devil meant for evil God really turned it out for good. Thank you Father.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
My Last Session Or My First
So, it's official. I am now known as the brave man in my class of inner healing. People have come up to me to encourage me for having the courage to be the demonstratee in front of the whole class. For those who do not know me personally, I think they'll probably imagine me to be a super wrecked up person in life. They are right. Looking at myself from an outsider's point of view I would classify myself as a "loser" in life. In fact it has kind of dawned on me that it is a miracle I managed to hold out to this point in time. 'If not for the grace of God'. This phrase seems to hold more meaning to me now than ever. Back to being the brave man in class. Actually it's not a matter of bravery in my case, it's a case of desperation. Seeing no way out of my situation I was willing to try most anything for the hope that one day I would be whole again. Don't mention being a demonstratee. Even if I have to stand in front of my church to make a confession I would if it meant wholeness for me again.
After four sessions of RTF, Sunday was the very last session for me. It had been an enlightening journey for me these four weeks. Even though there are still some philosophies I struggle with when it comes to inner healing, I must say I have been decently convinced through all that have happened thus far. It was interesting for me because one of my biggest questions in regards to deliverance was answered on Sunday's session. A lady who was from my former church asked a question about being demon possessed. She was asking if it is valid to cast demons out of Christians, since we have been taught Christians can never be demon possessed since the holy spirit indwells us. The pastor's answer was such an obvious one yet I never really gave thought to it. He mentioned that since part of Christ's work was to bring healing, Christians should not even be sick at all. He also said that officially demons should not be able to possess Christians, but it does not mean they would not try. Same things goes to the verse that says 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' Does it mean that Christians should not have any problems since God is for us? It was like someone knocked me on the head as the pastor explained his stand in regards to the lady's question. It's funny that the answer can be so obvious yet so elusive. I wanted to blame my former pastor for this misconception but I realised the minister he gleaned a lot of spiritual truths from also believed the same thing.
At last I finally got the chance to be prayed for by the man himself. He was the second last person I had yet to receive a word from and I was excited about it. It turned out the word he gave me was the shortest of the whole group. Funny how God works. Anyway, the last session was really the beginning for me. God seems to be indicating that I should be continuing with this study for some time to come. So I got the whole DVD series and will be delving into it, maybe even today. Whopeee......
After four sessions of RTF, Sunday was the very last session for me. It had been an enlightening journey for me these four weeks. Even though there are still some philosophies I struggle with when it comes to inner healing, I must say I have been decently convinced through all that have happened thus far. It was interesting for me because one of my biggest questions in regards to deliverance was answered on Sunday's session. A lady who was from my former church asked a question about being demon possessed. She was asking if it is valid to cast demons out of Christians, since we have been taught Christians can never be demon possessed since the holy spirit indwells us. The pastor's answer was such an obvious one yet I never really gave thought to it. He mentioned that since part of Christ's work was to bring healing, Christians should not even be sick at all. He also said that officially demons should not be able to possess Christians, but it does not mean they would not try. Same things goes to the verse that says 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' Does it mean that Christians should not have any problems since God is for us? It was like someone knocked me on the head as the pastor explained his stand in regards to the lady's question. It's funny that the answer can be so obvious yet so elusive. I wanted to blame my former pastor for this misconception but I realised the minister he gleaned a lot of spiritual truths from also believed the same thing.
At last I finally got the chance to be prayed for by the man himself. He was the second last person I had yet to receive a word from and I was excited about it. It turned out the word he gave me was the shortest of the whole group. Funny how God works. Anyway, the last session was really the beginning for me. God seems to be indicating that I should be continuing with this study for some time to come. So I got the whole DVD series and will be delving into it, maybe even today. Whopeee......
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Doing Things Alone
For someone who has a phobia of being alone and doing things alone, I
think should be proud of myself. Somehow the fear has diminished
somewhat. In fact, I seem to enjoy being alone of late. Somehow there's
things I need to do which I can't do with others but God. Ever since I
had my breakthrough in delving into the word more, it feels like I am
playing catchup spiritually. Whatever amount of spare time I have left
in the day, I'll rather spend the time meditating on God's word or
something as meaningful.
The last movie I caught was almost one month ago and the reason I caught it was because I promised my colleagues to go. Since then, I don't think I have even watched tv at home except for dinner time. Somehow the urgency of keeping my eye gate pure seems to be of paramount importance now. I am walking out of a bondage that had been a very integral part of my life since my teenage years. The roots are deep so I am treading on delicate ground here. But I believe this is the God has appointed for me to walk free so I am really trusting God that it all ends here.
So yar, I am glad that for now, I am enjoying being alone. In fact, I really miss two of my buddies whom I have been trying to meet up with until now. I was supposed to meet up with them this evening before my lesson but somehow both were unable to make it. Strangely there is a strange delight almost since I am able to sit at my favorite cafe and spend my time reading up on soul ties and praying over them in my life. Then I also get to spend time meditating on the by now 4-5 page bible scripture which I have faithfully been meditating on for almost 1 month now. God grant me the discipline to go on till I see the fruits manifest in my life in such a tangible way. Okie, just a little more to go before I head off for lesson. Thank you Lord for Your faithfulness to me. ; )
The last movie I caught was almost one month ago and the reason I caught it was because I promised my colleagues to go. Since then, I don't think I have even watched tv at home except for dinner time. Somehow the urgency of keeping my eye gate pure seems to be of paramount importance now. I am walking out of a bondage that had been a very integral part of my life since my teenage years. The roots are deep so I am treading on delicate ground here. But I believe this is the God has appointed for me to walk free so I am really trusting God that it all ends here.
So yar, I am glad that for now, I am enjoying being alone. In fact, I really miss two of my buddies whom I have been trying to meet up with until now. I was supposed to meet up with them this evening before my lesson but somehow both were unable to make it. Strangely there is a strange delight almost since I am able to sit at my favorite cafe and spend my time reading up on soul ties and praying over them in my life. Then I also get to spend time meditating on the by now 4-5 page bible scripture which I have faithfully been meditating on for almost 1 month now. God grant me the discipline to go on till I see the fruits manifest in my life in such a tangible way. Okie, just a little more to go before I head off for lesson. Thank you Lord for Your faithfulness to me. ; )
Monday, August 15, 2011
Prophecy
It was a new experience for me yesterday for the 3rd module of RTF. I have never had so many people prophesying over me in one session. The leader decided to do something different and had every single member of his team prophesy over every single person who was at the session. So I ended up with 5 prophecies and have another 3 more to go this coming Sunday. I would never queue for prophecy cos I never believed in asking for a prophecy. At the back of my mind, it seems immature to have to go around looking for prophecies instead of God bringing it to you on a prn basis. So the experience was really new to me. But it was also a really encouraging experience for me. Every prophecy spoken over me was so encouraging and edifying for me I was moved to tears.
One major lesson I learnt form the session was about forgiveness. In times past, I have been taught the importance of forgiving the person who has offended me. But one very major step was left out in the process and that was to let God heal the hurt caused. That was really new to me. Very often, I thought the only step to do after being offended was to forgive the person and that was it. That's a reason many people can pray the forgiveness prayer and yet not move on because the hurt's still around! Going through the session, I felt quite resentful against my former pastor. During my teenage years I was so hungry for God's word I practically devoured all the teachings my former pastor had given. That was good but he left out so much of other teachings I never realised I was becoming lopsided in my foundation.
LOL. I guess I need to go through the forgiveness as well as let God heal the hurt as well. Just kidding. But this really goes to show the importance of having a balanced word diet. In the midst of the teaching module I could relate to almost every symptom the teacher was talking about in the context of having been hurt. I was expecting a major breakdown when he ministered to me during the demonstration. But he felt God wanted to do the session coming week instead. So I was spared, for a week that is. In a sense I am kind of apprehensive of what's gonna happen this Sunday. Yet, I think there's a hidden excitement since I am more than aware there are tons of issues within me that need to be dealt with. God have mercy on me......
One major lesson I learnt form the session was about forgiveness. In times past, I have been taught the importance of forgiving the person who has offended me. But one very major step was left out in the process and that was to let God heal the hurt caused. That was really new to me. Very often, I thought the only step to do after being offended was to forgive the person and that was it. That's a reason many people can pray the forgiveness prayer and yet not move on because the hurt's still around! Going through the session, I felt quite resentful against my former pastor. During my teenage years I was so hungry for God's word I practically devoured all the teachings my former pastor had given. That was good but he left out so much of other teachings I never realised I was becoming lopsided in my foundation.
LOL. I guess I need to go through the forgiveness as well as let God heal the hurt as well. Just kidding. But this really goes to show the importance of having a balanced word diet. In the midst of the teaching module I could relate to almost every symptom the teacher was talking about in the context of having been hurt. I was expecting a major breakdown when he ministered to me during the demonstration. But he felt God wanted to do the session coming week instead. So I was spared, for a week that is. In a sense I am kind of apprehensive of what's gonna happen this Sunday. Yet, I think there's a hidden excitement since I am more than aware there are tons of issues within me that need to be dealt with. God have mercy on me......
Saturday, August 13, 2011
** Inner Healing
I was to a certain extent dreading yesterday's RTF module, knowing I would have to place myself in a place of vulnerability in front of the public and hanging dirty linen in public has never been the least appealing to me. But having commited to being the demonstratee for all the sessions, I knew I had to keep to my word. So, the time came to go to the front to be ministered to. The day's topic was on ungodly beliefs.
So the pastor worked with me through my ungodly belief which was that I am always on the outside and that I am alone. Frankly, I can't remember the finer details of the conversation. The memorable part was when we came to the part of finding out what was the core of that belief which was the fact I believed I was not normal and that's why people would reject me. At some point I started to cry which was in a way nice yet unpleasant. It was nice to be able to forgive people who have caused my ungodly belief but unpleasant to breakdown while some 20 pairs of eyes are looking at you. Of course it did not really matter then.
We then proceeded to try to construct a Godly belief to replace the ungodly belief that was broken. By that time I was just too spaced out to think properly. It came to the point the pastor got one of his helpers to bring me elsewhere to continue ministering to me. So my pastor's wife brought us to a room and before she left, she hugged me. I started to break down again. For one, I did not expect her to hug me. Then I felt so loved by her. Then I was alone with the assistant where I continued to cry for an extended amount of time. I saw walls and I saw them being torn down. I knew it was walls I had built up between people and more importantly God. I remember weeping away as I told God He was the last One I wanted to have walls come between.
So the pastor worked with me through my ungodly belief which was that I am always on the outside and that I am alone. Frankly, I can't remember the finer details of the conversation. The memorable part was when we came to the part of finding out what was the core of that belief which was the fact I believed I was not normal and that's why people would reject me. At some point I started to cry which was in a way nice yet unpleasant. It was nice to be able to forgive people who have caused my ungodly belief but unpleasant to breakdown while some 20 pairs of eyes are looking at you. Of course it did not really matter then.
We then proceeded to try to construct a Godly belief to replace the ungodly belief that was broken. By that time I was just too spaced out to think properly. It came to the point the pastor got one of his helpers to bring me elsewhere to continue ministering to me. So my pastor's wife brought us to a room and before she left, she hugged me. I started to break down again. For one, I did not expect her to hug me. Then I felt so loved by her. Then I was alone with the assistant where I continued to cry for an extended amount of time. I saw walls and I saw them being torn down. I knew it was walls I had built up between people and more importantly God. I remember weeping away as I told God He was the last One I wanted to have walls come between.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Thoughts Of Late
Couple of things happened in my life recently that are of note so I figured I better note them down before they fade into oblivion......
1) I have started on meditating on the word on a more consistent basis of late. It started with the word my pastor gave to me bout 2 weeks ago and coincided with my lifegroup leader 'forcing' the whole group to do a 2 page scripture meditation and confession. So all these went great and I am really thankful to God for the headstart to it. Since then, I have started experiencing more clarity especially for work (I usually go around work in a 'duh' state most of the time). I realise I also started making more sound and wise decisions which I usually do not make though I know I have to. Now I have gotten into the habit so much I am doing it consistently first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening.
2) I have deleted some contacts from facebook which I know are not edifing for my walk with God. It was tough, but it was necessary. I realised sometimes when I saw posts from them, it would evoke ungodly feeling in me. So one night, I got up from bed and just did it. God protect me from adding rubbish to my fb account ever again. Amen.
3) I started on this course called 'Restoring The Foundation'. It is Christian course aimed at dealing with spiritual issues which affects our lives like generational curses, ungodly beliefs, inner healing and demonic oppression. The main reason I started on this was that there were challenges in my life which I could not overcome. My life had started to revolve around the challenges and I found it hard to move on. So I am praying that by the end of the course, the underlying issues (if any) would be dealt with. I still have 3 more sessions to go.
4) At a little bit of a crossroad in my life. I have so many things I wanna do but so little time to devote to them. Also, I do not want to come to the end of the road and see the amount of time I have wasted on things which really did not matter in the first place. Sigh,...... I used to need wisdom prior, I think I need strength now to carry out what is wise......
1) I have started on meditating on the word on a more consistent basis of late. It started with the word my pastor gave to me bout 2 weeks ago and coincided with my lifegroup leader 'forcing' the whole group to do a 2 page scripture meditation and confession. So all these went great and I am really thankful to God for the headstart to it. Since then, I have started experiencing more clarity especially for work (I usually go around work in a 'duh' state most of the time). I realise I also started making more sound and wise decisions which I usually do not make though I know I have to. Now I have gotten into the habit so much I am doing it consistently first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening.
2) I have deleted some contacts from facebook which I know are not edifing for my walk with God. It was tough, but it was necessary. I realised sometimes when I saw posts from them, it would evoke ungodly feeling in me. So one night, I got up from bed and just did it. God protect me from adding rubbish to my fb account ever again. Amen.
3) I started on this course called 'Restoring The Foundation'. It is Christian course aimed at dealing with spiritual issues which affects our lives like generational curses, ungodly beliefs, inner healing and demonic oppression. The main reason I started on this was that there were challenges in my life which I could not overcome. My life had started to revolve around the challenges and I found it hard to move on. So I am praying that by the end of the course, the underlying issues (if any) would be dealt with. I still have 3 more sessions to go.
4) At a little bit of a crossroad in my life. I have so many things I wanna do but so little time to devote to them. Also, I do not want to come to the end of the road and see the amount of time I have wasted on things which really did not matter in the first place. Sigh,...... I used to need wisdom prior, I think I need strength now to carry out what is wise......
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
**Dream Revived
Actually, this word really came unexpected. I was at a church meeting tonight. The worship was going great. I was not. Everyone seemed to be flowing and lost in the Spirit (You know that to be so when people start singing off key and start laughing away, almost uncontrollably). But I could not focus on God and on worshiping. There were too many things on my mind. Then when we were done with worship, my pastor had a word for me.
He said he saw me kneeling and in front of me was a shaft of light. It was not on me but in front of me. It was the light of the word. The reason it was not shining on me was because I was too focused on me (He was spot on). He then said that I need to meditate on the word and then the word would shine on me and be the lamp onto my feet. He also said that God's calling on me had never changed. He said that he saw me preaching to people. In fact, he also saw a pastoral anointing on me as well. He said that I used to have a measure of meditating on God's word but I lost it along the way. All he said were spot on man.
I knew God was knocking on my door. I thought I would just break down and lose it totally. To my surprise I remained pretty composed. I guess I was in a sense delighted that the call to preach was still open to me. After so long, I was starting to wonder if all the preaching stuff was just some fantasy I had when I was younger. God confirmed it was and still is a call in my life.
So yes, I need to start meditating on God's word again. This time more seriously. It's really time to take my eyes off myself and on to the word......
He said he saw me kneeling and in front of me was a shaft of light. It was not on me but in front of me. It was the light of the word. The reason it was not shining on me was because I was too focused on me (He was spot on). He then said that I need to meditate on the word and then the word would shine on me and be the lamp onto my feet. He also said that God's calling on me had never changed. He said that he saw me preaching to people. In fact, he also saw a pastoral anointing on me as well. He said that I used to have a measure of meditating on God's word but I lost it along the way. All he said were spot on man.
I knew God was knocking on my door. I thought I would just break down and lose it totally. To my surprise I remained pretty composed. I guess I was in a sense delighted that the call to preach was still open to me. After so long, I was starting to wonder if all the preaching stuff was just some fantasy I had when I was younger. God confirmed it was and still is a call in my life.
So yes, I need to start meditating on God's word again. This time more seriously. It's really time to take my eyes off myself and on to the word......
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Why I Drive Myself Crazy: The Birthday Besh Of The Year
Great! It's 2 a.m. in the morning on this wonderful Saturday morning and
here I am on my bed typing away on my iPad cause I can't sleep. And
this is despite the fact I have downed myself with medication which
causes drowsiness and sprayed 2 mg worth of melatonin prior to sleep. To
top it up, it is drizzling outside!
In just 3 hours I will be in a cab on my way to the ferry terminal to catch a ride to Bintan for my well-deserved weekend break. I would have tried to just laze on bed till I drift back to slumberland (if I could) on any other occasion but I felt I should just pen down my thoughts so I could just release them before I attempt to sleep again.
It's about last night's dinner. The one dinner I so dread in the year (other than father's day). In a sense, I am glad I made it through alive. On the other, the dinner turned out to be such a drama I would have so enjoyed watching had I not been involved in it. Who needs soap operas when life presents such situations at your face? Let's set the stage for this episode of the series "Damn, your life sucks!" which the lead actor is of course yours truly......
1) My sis, my pillar of support was not around. She's with her hubby in Hong Kong. This trip was planned months before. Of all things, the departure day had to fall on dad's birthday. So, being the filial daughter she was, she tried to schedule a lunch date with dad instead, only to receive scoldings and having the phone hung on her. Seemed very familiar. It's one of dad's favorite stunts. It works well cause you get to scold the other party to your heart's content then you cut off the communication thereby disallowing the other party to explain themselves or even to apologize. Very good weapon indeed. I can see why dad was upset. Yet, I have yet to see how this kind of treatment benefits any side or facilitates any Godly resolution.
2) My dad's wife, whom I call auntie was not around as well. Apparently, they had some argument about money issues and were ignoring each other. Auntie tried to call a number of times to wish him happy birthday and hopefully get to really talk things out. Well, I need not mention it was to no avail. Auntie then proceeded to call me (seems like I am the shoulder to cry on) and to explain to me the situation and her standpoint. So without her around, there is hardly any conversation over any dinner table. Who could I depend on to break the silence?
Perfect situation ain't it? The word 'dread' took on a whole new meaning last night. I seriously can't remember when I really dreaded to do anything or go anywhere to such an extent. To make things worse, I didn't particularly enjoy spending time with the relatives on my dad's side. To me, they were really weird. And I mean Weird! Take for example this auntie who just talks her mind so much and talks too much for that matter that her son has to attempt to hush her multiple times throughout dinner. Of course, when she talked to almost everyone over the dinner table, it had finally come to me......
I can't remember when was the last time anyone had been pushing me to get married. Even my mum gives me the liberty to take my time with this. And this auntie had to come along and ask me to get married, preferably next year cause it's the year of the dragon. Then there is an uncle whom I have not seen for a long time (not that I miss him). I remember him telling two things which stuck with me. One is that though he may not understand a particular foreign language, he has this ability to tell if someone is cursing him. Hmmm, rare gift I must say. Then the next one is that he charges the students he tutors according to the grades they want. I.e grade A will cost this much, grade B will then cost this much and son forth. Hmmm, innovative way to determine your tuition fees ain't it. I think you get the point. To be fair, there are really nice ones of whom I was reminded again last evening that still existed though a minority I must say. So the summary is that I don't really like them. In fact, I am really so ignorant of my relationship with most of them I only sort of realize 2 of them were actually my cousins last night! Enough said......
So throughout the dinner, I felt a sense of awkwardness from time to time. Then about halfway through the dinner, the climax came. Auntie called. But she was smart. She knew dad would not answer the phone so she called one of my uncles instead. I think she just wanted to wish my dad happy birthday through that uncle but he ended up passing his phone over to my dad. Bad mistake! At first it was a pretty silent conversation to me since dad would not say anything when he is pissed off. Then again, he says nothing most of the time! Then my dad started to dominate the conversation scolding her. He started to say things like she did not respect him, he had enough of her, so many years of tolerating her, etc. To me, I figured she was still trying to salvage the relationship to the best of her ability. But this time, it ain't working. Dad seems determined to have nothing to do with her from now on. I wonder if he has ever pondered on how she has taken care of him these years. I wonder if he has ever realized he is not the easiest person to live with at all. I wonder if it has ever crossed his mind who will take care of him henceforth if he dumps her. I guess not.
So the phone conversation went on for about maybe 20 minutes while everyone else around had to pretend nothing serious was going on. Next thing I knew, he was off the line. I do not know what's the verdict and frankly I can't be bothered. If dad does not care about the issue, I don't see why I should. Maybe that's why I am not married yet. I think maybe deep inside there is a fear of my marriage turning out like this. This is like the third relationship and second marriage my dad has had ever since he and mum went separate ways. Mind you my dad was at least sixty when he divorced my mum.
I think the highlight of the dinner for me was when it was over. I could finally go, hallelujah! Of course, more stuff went on during dinner but I think you get the point of how warped my family history is. I think the toughest part is not really the going through of all these family situations. To me, the toughest part is trying to control my attitude and thoughts throughout all these. I feel really bad for the way dad treated sis during this period. Again, I empathize with dad somewhat but watching my sis take all the baby steps towards trying to mend the broken relationship between father and daughter, I really feel for her. All the effort seemingly destroyed by just one incident. How do you maintain a relationship properly with someone when you are treading on egg shells all the time? I have it easier cause I know dad dotes on me somewhat. But many a times I really have to harden my heart to my dad in order not to get hurt again. To be frank, I am at this stage in life where I can almost say I don't really care even if he goes to hell. Somehow as a man, I find it easier to detach myself from this but I know it ain't the same way for women. That's probably why auntie, despite all the things she experienced from dad, still seeks reconciliation. I can imagine her I Taiwan now crying away, troubled and unable to sleep. Yet, I can imagine dad sleeping soundly at this very moment.
I really feel this conflict within me. I attribute this to my Christian beliefs. On one hand, I know it is right for me to honor dad and God wants me to have a proper attitude towards him. Yet on the other, my life is already troubled enough without dad. Why do I want to let him into my life and give me further problems? There are issues in my life I have him to thank. But looking from another standpoint can I really blame him? Does he really know any better? Judging from his life now, I can safely conclude he really does not know any better. So is that good enough reason to let down my guard, knowing one wrong move could lead me to the same plight as sis? 'love never fails'. Boy does that verse sound so profound now. Seriously, I know yet I do not want to act.
Well, at least I got that off my chest. It's now 4 a.m. and I am due to wake up in an hour's time. Time to go back to bed.
"Father I thank you that you are the perfect father. I know you are holding on to my hand. In my weakness, show Yourself strong".
In just 3 hours I will be in a cab on my way to the ferry terminal to catch a ride to Bintan for my well-deserved weekend break. I would have tried to just laze on bed till I drift back to slumberland (if I could) on any other occasion but I felt I should just pen down my thoughts so I could just release them before I attempt to sleep again.
It's about last night's dinner. The one dinner I so dread in the year (other than father's day). In a sense, I am glad I made it through alive. On the other, the dinner turned out to be such a drama I would have so enjoyed watching had I not been involved in it. Who needs soap operas when life presents such situations at your face? Let's set the stage for this episode of the series "Damn, your life sucks!" which the lead actor is of course yours truly......
1) My sis, my pillar of support was not around. She's with her hubby in Hong Kong. This trip was planned months before. Of all things, the departure day had to fall on dad's birthday. So, being the filial daughter she was, she tried to schedule a lunch date with dad instead, only to receive scoldings and having the phone hung on her. Seemed very familiar. It's one of dad's favorite stunts. It works well cause you get to scold the other party to your heart's content then you cut off the communication thereby disallowing the other party to explain themselves or even to apologize. Very good weapon indeed. I can see why dad was upset. Yet, I have yet to see how this kind of treatment benefits any side or facilitates any Godly resolution.
2) My dad's wife, whom I call auntie was not around as well. Apparently, they had some argument about money issues and were ignoring each other. Auntie tried to call a number of times to wish him happy birthday and hopefully get to really talk things out. Well, I need not mention it was to no avail. Auntie then proceeded to call me (seems like I am the shoulder to cry on) and to explain to me the situation and her standpoint. So without her around, there is hardly any conversation over any dinner table. Who could I depend on to break the silence?
Perfect situation ain't it? The word 'dread' took on a whole new meaning last night. I seriously can't remember when I really dreaded to do anything or go anywhere to such an extent. To make things worse, I didn't particularly enjoy spending time with the relatives on my dad's side. To me, they were really weird. And I mean Weird! Take for example this auntie who just talks her mind so much and talks too much for that matter that her son has to attempt to hush her multiple times throughout dinner. Of course, when she talked to almost everyone over the dinner table, it had finally come to me......
I can't remember when was the last time anyone had been pushing me to get married. Even my mum gives me the liberty to take my time with this. And this auntie had to come along and ask me to get married, preferably next year cause it's the year of the dragon. Then there is an uncle whom I have not seen for a long time (not that I miss him). I remember him telling two things which stuck with me. One is that though he may not understand a particular foreign language, he has this ability to tell if someone is cursing him. Hmmm, rare gift I must say. Then the next one is that he charges the students he tutors according to the grades they want. I.e grade A will cost this much, grade B will then cost this much and son forth. Hmmm, innovative way to determine your tuition fees ain't it. I think you get the point. To be fair, there are really nice ones of whom I was reminded again last evening that still existed though a minority I must say. So the summary is that I don't really like them. In fact, I am really so ignorant of my relationship with most of them I only sort of realize 2 of them were actually my cousins last night! Enough said......
So throughout the dinner, I felt a sense of awkwardness from time to time. Then about halfway through the dinner, the climax came. Auntie called. But she was smart. She knew dad would not answer the phone so she called one of my uncles instead. I think she just wanted to wish my dad happy birthday through that uncle but he ended up passing his phone over to my dad. Bad mistake! At first it was a pretty silent conversation to me since dad would not say anything when he is pissed off. Then again, he says nothing most of the time! Then my dad started to dominate the conversation scolding her. He started to say things like she did not respect him, he had enough of her, so many years of tolerating her, etc. To me, I figured she was still trying to salvage the relationship to the best of her ability. But this time, it ain't working. Dad seems determined to have nothing to do with her from now on. I wonder if he has ever pondered on how she has taken care of him these years. I wonder if he has ever realized he is not the easiest person to live with at all. I wonder if it has ever crossed his mind who will take care of him henceforth if he dumps her. I guess not.
So the phone conversation went on for about maybe 20 minutes while everyone else around had to pretend nothing serious was going on. Next thing I knew, he was off the line. I do not know what's the verdict and frankly I can't be bothered. If dad does not care about the issue, I don't see why I should. Maybe that's why I am not married yet. I think maybe deep inside there is a fear of my marriage turning out like this. This is like the third relationship and second marriage my dad has had ever since he and mum went separate ways. Mind you my dad was at least sixty when he divorced my mum.
I think the highlight of the dinner for me was when it was over. I could finally go, hallelujah! Of course, more stuff went on during dinner but I think you get the point of how warped my family history is. I think the toughest part is not really the going through of all these family situations. To me, the toughest part is trying to control my attitude and thoughts throughout all these. I feel really bad for the way dad treated sis during this period. Again, I empathize with dad somewhat but watching my sis take all the baby steps towards trying to mend the broken relationship between father and daughter, I really feel for her. All the effort seemingly destroyed by just one incident. How do you maintain a relationship properly with someone when you are treading on egg shells all the time? I have it easier cause I know dad dotes on me somewhat. But many a times I really have to harden my heart to my dad in order not to get hurt again. To be frank, I am at this stage in life where I can almost say I don't really care even if he goes to hell. Somehow as a man, I find it easier to detach myself from this but I know it ain't the same way for women. That's probably why auntie, despite all the things she experienced from dad, still seeks reconciliation. I can imagine her I Taiwan now crying away, troubled and unable to sleep. Yet, I can imagine dad sleeping soundly at this very moment.
I really feel this conflict within me. I attribute this to my Christian beliefs. On one hand, I know it is right for me to honor dad and God wants me to have a proper attitude towards him. Yet on the other, my life is already troubled enough without dad. Why do I want to let him into my life and give me further problems? There are issues in my life I have him to thank. But looking from another standpoint can I really blame him? Does he really know any better? Judging from his life now, I can safely conclude he really does not know any better. So is that good enough reason to let down my guard, knowing one wrong move could lead me to the same plight as sis? 'love never fails'. Boy does that verse sound so profound now. Seriously, I know yet I do not want to act.
Well, at least I got that off my chest. It's now 4 a.m. and I am due to wake up in an hour's time. Time to go back to bed.
"Father I thank you that you are the perfect father. I know you are holding on to my hand. In my weakness, show Yourself strong".
Friday, July 15, 2011
Pre-Dinner Blues
So here I am siting by the dinner table, waiting for the dinner I dread
most in my life: dad's birthday bash. To help the feeling of dread, my
dad's wife and my sis will not be around. Then there will be the
relatives whom I'll rather not meet. Making small talk has never been so
challenging. Then trying to recall the terms to address them by makes
it worse. All of us gathering to please a man who cannot be pleased.
Great way to the start of the weekend ain't it. Sigh. Think I better
stop before I commit suicide in this beautiful restaurant. God bless
Jonah.......
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I Realised Something
I think I kind of understand why I enjoy music lessons so much. I think it's because I tend to shift my focus on the instrument I am learning and thus forget the issues of life. Even after lesson, there is still a residual euphoria I experience that sort of negates the 'emo'ness I feel from time to time. Can't seem to do the same with work. When I am really 'emo', it seems to eat into my work instead of work being a form of distraction. The conclusion: sign up for more lessons! ;)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
End Of Lesson 1
So I went through lesson 1 this evening and I was reminded all over again why I used to enjoy my former BM lessons though I realized it was a ripoff. The class was relatively small compared to my former lessons. The people were nice and friendly (as expected). I went with the attitude that it would be a breeze considering my former guitar training and I was taken aback. It was tougher than I expected. I guess it's a good thing cos it means I am getting my money's worth.
I saw this girl whom I remembered befriending but for some strange reason, I can't recall her name. I think I need to add Ginko to my list of supplements soon. My only impression is that I have chatted with her before but nothing more than that. Yet she gives me the feel we had more than chatted before. I wouldn't be surprised if we even attended the same church before. As time goes, I really trust my memory less and less. Recently, a newly joined colleague of mine asked if I had been taking lessons at BM before and I was shocked! Turned out we took guitar lessons together before! That really shocked me. When she first started work, I really had no impression of her at all. I think I am really fulfilling the scripture from Philippians which says,"forgetting what lies behind......."and I am fulfilling it to the dot. Other than a good dose of Ginko, think I also need to go through some memory course. OMG!
I saw this girl whom I remembered befriending but for some strange reason, I can't recall her name. I think I need to add Ginko to my list of supplements soon. My only impression is that I have chatted with her before but nothing more than that. Yet she gives me the feel we had more than chatted before. I wouldn't be surprised if we even attended the same church before. As time goes, I really trust my memory less and less. Recently, a newly joined colleague of mine asked if I had been taking lessons at BM before and I was shocked! Turned out we took guitar lessons together before! That really shocked me. When she first started work, I really had no impression of her at all. I think I am really fulfilling the scripture from Philippians which says,"forgetting what lies behind......."and I am fulfilling it to the dot. Other than a good dose of Ginko, think I also need to go through some memory course. OMG!
Pleasant Surprise
It's hard to believe I am taking up music lessons again. So here I am siting outside the classroom of Believer Music waiting for my class, which if history is anything to go by will most likely start late. This time I am taking up electric guitar. I figured that I need to be spending money in order to keep the discipline to practice. Another advantage is that I'll keep my mind occupied from thinking emo stuff.
Been a little disappointed lately with some friends. Feels like I am a convenient friend of sorts. What I mean is that friends seem to wanna spend time with me only when there is reason to and the reason's not because I am missed. The only o e I can think of is my army friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis even though he is married. Somehow I feel assured even in the busiest time of life he will still have time for me. Unfortunately I can't say that for many of my other friends. What a shame. Yet, I realize that they are not obligated to me in any way. Maybe it's me who is the problem, not them.
Anyway, it's about time for class. It still irks me to see people staring into classes they don't belong to. It seems increasingly more difficult to ind our own business nowadays. Crap!
Been a little disappointed lately with some friends. Feels like I am a convenient friend of sorts. What I mean is that friends seem to wanna spend time with me only when there is reason to and the reason's not because I am missed. The only o e I can think of is my army friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis even though he is married. Somehow I feel assured even in the busiest time of life he will still have time for me. Unfortunately I can't say that for many of my other friends. What a shame. Yet, I realize that they are not obligated to me in any way. Maybe it's me who is the problem, not them.
Anyway, it's about time for class. It still irks me to see people staring into classes they don't belong to. It seems increasingly more difficult to ind our own business nowadays. Crap!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Jesus take the wheel
Guess it's unfair to show the original version but this is a really nice song......
Jesus take the Wii
I know it's really mean of me to laugh at someone's inability to articulate and pronounce but I really enjoyed this......
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Hmmmm.......
Something New
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tough Day
At work that is. It's been a while since I was so stressed at work. It seemed like everything was coming at me at the same time. No one could help me since all the other 3 who could do my work were either on mc or leave. So I was left to my own devices. To make things worse, I was the least experienced among the group of us! There was one patient whom I almost took an hour to check cos it was a new case to me and the patient was seeing the doc who was well known to lose his patience easily. So that added to the stress.
Then on the other hand, there was another patient who needed to make glasses and the mum who was 'niao' wanted me to do it for the patient. So it doesn't pay at times to be the best at what you do, does it? So another colleague had to help me do the glasses whom I was concerned about cos she lacked experience in handling such cases.
So I pretty much went non-stop for the afternoon and even went without my protein! That's taboo man! Then I also had a parent calling to speak to me who was also another 'niao' one. Great way to end a work day ain't it? I ended up doing OT for about an hour and missed my gym session. Thank God I managed to get some of my own stuff done at home tonight. In about a week's time, I will need to sit for a test and I am far from ready for it. Then there is a major audit coming up in august. Seems like there's just so much to do and so little time. Think I really need a break from work. The temptation is there to just take a full year of sabbath next year man. I really feel stretched at this point of time with no reprieve in sight......
Then on the other hand, there was another patient who needed to make glasses and the mum who was 'niao' wanted me to do it for the patient. So it doesn't pay at times to be the best at what you do, does it? So another colleague had to help me do the glasses whom I was concerned about cos she lacked experience in handling such cases.
So I pretty much went non-stop for the afternoon and even went without my protein! That's taboo man! Then I also had a parent calling to speak to me who was also another 'niao' one. Great way to end a work day ain't it? I ended up doing OT for about an hour and missed my gym session. Thank God I managed to get some of my own stuff done at home tonight. In about a week's time, I will need to sit for a test and I am far from ready for it. Then there is a major audit coming up in august. Seems like there's just so much to do and so little time. Think I really need a break from work. The temptation is there to just take a full year of sabbath next year man. I really feel stretched at this point of time with no reprieve in sight......
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Sian
Describes how I am feeling right now. Just went through my judgement day (aka appraisal day) yesterday. Was still hoping to get an above expectation rating, which meant another half month of pay extra. Unfortunately I was disappointed. In a sense, I feel like I do not deserve it since I did not have an exceptional contribution to the clinic last year. Yet, I felt like I deserved it since there will be others who do not do as well or contribute as much and yet will get the same rating.
Anyway, been feeling quite stressed and sian at work of late. Feel like I am busy trying to put out fire and do damage control for others. Kind of tired. Was a little pumped from the trip but now I feel like just 2 days of work have drained me of everything. Of course, it is not solely a work issue. I am also trying to juggle other stuff and challenges in life which have surfaced in an untimely fashion. Would have taken it better if I had a chance to tackle things one at a time instead of all at once.
I realised only today that I have long forgotten 1 Peter 5:7. Now I struggle at the thought God cares about me affectionately and watchfully as well. Need to start meditating on that verse again......
Anyway, been feeling quite stressed and sian at work of late. Feel like I am busy trying to put out fire and do damage control for others. Kind of tired. Was a little pumped from the trip but now I feel like just 2 days of work have drained me of everything. Of course, it is not solely a work issue. I am also trying to juggle other stuff and challenges in life which have surfaced in an untimely fashion. Would have taken it better if I had a chance to tackle things one at a time instead of all at once.
I realised only today that I have long forgotten 1 Peter 5:7. Now I struggle at the thought God cares about me affectionately and watchfully as well. Need to start meditating on that verse again......
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Mum Again
I came to a conclusion recently, that I need to mentally prepare myself whenever I travel with mum. I thought I was mentally prepared this time round but I was wrong. To be fair, I think this trip was punishing for her since my cousin who planned the trip did not really take into consideration my mum's age as well as strength. So my mum was probably tired out most of the time. Then again, it was punishing for me as well having to look out for my mum in more aspects than one. Also, I happened to pack most of my concerns of life with me when I came over when I should have left them at home.
The trips to prayer mountain helped somewhat since it was a time I could get away from mum as well as get some rest myself from the punishing schedules my cousins seem to enjoy. The problem is that as fast as the worries dissipate when I was praying there, they seem to return almost as fast. I remember when I left prayer mountain on Monday, I was feeling really light and easy. Today, I left prayer mountain only slightly better than before I reached.
I know I ought to be more tolerant with mum. And that is what makes me feel even more guilty. I realized I seem to be subconsciously following in my father's footsteps in the way he treated my mum. Mum related to me just yesterday bout my dad was nonchalant towards her on one occasion when she was suffering from food poisoning and had been in and out of the toilet so often. She finally asked for help after some time and the response she received from dad was "I already told you not to take so much chilli so what do you want me to do now?" My very first thought that came to mind was "What a bastard!" Then I slowly realized I too had become nonchalant to mum in many ways. I can imagine her thinking to herself how her life sucked. First it's the husband, now it's the son.
As much as I can try to justify myself, I know I definitely can treat her better. The way to do it, I do not know......
The trips to prayer mountain helped somewhat since it was a time I could get away from mum as well as get some rest myself from the punishing schedules my cousins seem to enjoy. The problem is that as fast as the worries dissipate when I was praying there, they seem to return almost as fast. I remember when I left prayer mountain on Monday, I was feeling really light and easy. Today, I left prayer mountain only slightly better than before I reached.
I know I ought to be more tolerant with mum. And that is what makes me feel even more guilty. I realized I seem to be subconsciously following in my father's footsteps in the way he treated my mum. Mum related to me just yesterday bout my dad was nonchalant towards her on one occasion when she was suffering from food poisoning and had been in and out of the toilet so often. She finally asked for help after some time and the response she received from dad was "I already told you not to take so much chilli so what do you want me to do now?" My very first thought that came to mind was "What a bastard!" Then I slowly realized I too had become nonchalant to mum in many ways. I can imagine her thinking to herself how her life sucked. First it's the husband, now it's the son.
As much as I can try to justify myself, I know I definitely can treat her better. The way to do it, I do not know......
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Traveling With Mum
I know it's just me but sometimes I just find it hard to spend too much time with mum. Her mannerisms, thinking, and philosophies just irk me from time to time. In a sense I am grateful, cos I think she's better than many others. At least that's how I console myself. Knowing that I'll probably be like this one day makes me feel guilty whenever I think about the way or at least the thoughts that go through my mind whenever I communicate with her.
I almost raised my voice last night when I asked her to pass me the address of our hotel when we needed it. She innocently told me she left it back at the hotel. The reason I gave it to her was so that should we lose each other, she could always take a cab back if necessary since both our phones had no network at all. Knowing her, if she ever got lost, she would panic for sure. And since she had been blindly following us without noting any details at all, there was no way she would be able to make her way back. I am willing to bet she doesn't even know the name of the hotel we are staying at presently. So, being the 'considerate' son I was, I passed her the address to keep should an emergency arise, which she left at the hotel. Duh! Worse part is Koreans hardly speak a work of English.
That was only one of the incidents. I think maybe I expect too much out off her. I was at the prayer mountain yesterday and one of my prayers was that I will not treat her like an idiot. I think that was a test from God. Lol. Guess I failed big time. The rapture better come soon man. That will save me a lot of face since I will not grow too old and run the risk of someone writing about my old age in their blog......
I almost raised my voice last night when I asked her to pass me the address of our hotel when we needed it. She innocently told me she left it back at the hotel. The reason I gave it to her was so that should we lose each other, she could always take a cab back if necessary since both our phones had no network at all. Knowing her, if she ever got lost, she would panic for sure. And since she had been blindly following us without noting any details at all, there was no way she would be able to make her way back. I am willing to bet she doesn't even know the name of the hotel we are staying at presently. So, being the 'considerate' son I was, I passed her the address to keep should an emergency arise, which she left at the hotel. Duh! Worse part is Koreans hardly speak a work of English.
That was only one of the incidents. I think maybe I expect too much out off her. I was at the prayer mountain yesterday and one of my prayers was that I will not treat her like an idiot. I think that was a test from God. Lol. Guess I failed big time. The rapture better come soon man. That will save me a lot of face since I will not grow too old and run the risk of someone writing about my old age in their blog......
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Hate This Feeling
Despite the fact I should be feeling excited that I will be heading off to my next holiday, which is practically a fully paid for one, I really feel lousy today. These few weeks have been intense ones, with things going on with work and my personal life.
Work wise, there have been issues popping up and I have seen colleagues become so disturbed by the events that it in turn disturbs me. I have never seen my supervisor cum good friend cry so often in the longest time. Pains me just to see her crack under the pressure coming from without. Worse thing is that most of it has nothing to do with her nor her abilities as a supervisor. People have been unreasonable and she has been the target of it. Sigh......
As for my personal life, the summary of it is...... Life sucks. It's that time of the year again. Father's day. As well as my dad's birthday in July. As you may have realized, I am not exactly a fan of my own father. I made it a point to call dad this morning to wish him an advance happy father's day since I would be away during father's day as well. To my gladness as well as dismay, he was not contactable. In a sense I was glad I did not have to talk to him today. Then again, it could have been over and done with in a jiffy. And so the underlying tone in my mood is that of anguish. Why can't a father and son just sit down and communicate without such feelings? This tone has been really disturbing for the past few days, since I had planned to call since last week. I really hate this. Great, now I am feeling a headache of sorts due to the tension inside. The sad part is that I know I will probably live to regret all these should my dad not be around one day. This year he will be 76 years of age. Yet I still find it a struggle to try to mend the relationship. I really wish to be left alone. Damn it!
Work wise, there have been issues popping up and I have seen colleagues become so disturbed by the events that it in turn disturbs me. I have never seen my supervisor cum good friend cry so often in the longest time. Pains me just to see her crack under the pressure coming from without. Worse thing is that most of it has nothing to do with her nor her abilities as a supervisor. People have been unreasonable and she has been the target of it. Sigh......
As for my personal life, the summary of it is...... Life sucks. It's that time of the year again. Father's day. As well as my dad's birthday in July. As you may have realized, I am not exactly a fan of my own father. I made it a point to call dad this morning to wish him an advance happy father's day since I would be away during father's day as well. To my gladness as well as dismay, he was not contactable. In a sense I was glad I did not have to talk to him today. Then again, it could have been over and done with in a jiffy. And so the underlying tone in my mood is that of anguish. Why can't a father and son just sit down and communicate without such feelings? This tone has been really disturbing for the past few days, since I had planned to call since last week. I really hate this. Great, now I am feeling a headache of sorts due to the tension inside. The sad part is that I know I will probably live to regret all these should my dad not be around one day. This year he will be 76 years of age. Yet I still find it a struggle to try to mend the relationship. I really wish to be left alone. Damn it!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Things So Far
I know. It's been the longest time since I last updated my blog. Couple of things have transpired since I last made my post......
1) One of my colleagues whom I enjoy the company of is leaving. It was a shocker since she seemed to enjoy what she did very much (at least mor than I do). She will be leaving us to further her studies. All the best WF. :(
2) I fell quite sick recently. It seemed like all the common ailments were attacking at the same time. Flu, sore throat, stomach problems,...... That was hell man. That has taught me that I can only depend on medicine so much. So I started listening to healing scriptures as well.
3) PAP still won a majority of the votes, though it was 5% less than the previous elections. I was hoping that the Opposition party would gain more ground this time but I was disappointed. But, I must say it seems like the PAP is starting to listen more to the voices of Singaporeans. A fair bit of changes have been seen and some came as surprises. Hopefully, they will change for the better.
Okie, that is not all but that's all the time I have for now. The flu symptoms seem to be sneaking in so I will rest early tonight. God is good......
1) One of my colleagues whom I enjoy the company of is leaving. It was a shocker since she seemed to enjoy what she did very much (at least mor than I do). She will be leaving us to further her studies. All the best WF. :(
2) I fell quite sick recently. It seemed like all the common ailments were attacking at the same time. Flu, sore throat, stomach problems,...... That was hell man. That has taught me that I can only depend on medicine so much. So I started listening to healing scriptures as well.
3) PAP still won a majority of the votes, though it was 5% less than the previous elections. I was hoping that the Opposition party would gain more ground this time but I was disappointed. But, I must say it seems like the PAP is starting to listen more to the voices of Singaporeans. A fair bit of changes have been seen and some came as surprises. Hopefully, they will change for the better.
Okie, that is not all but that's all the time I have for now. The flu symptoms seem to be sneaking in so I will rest early tonight. God is good......
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
So Funny
Remember this story. Elections are coming ..................
While walking down the street one day a MP is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
The MP's soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter . "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the MP.
St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in? heaven," says the MP.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules", replies St.Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven," St Peter s ays.
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and the 24 hours in heaven passes by and St Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now which will you choose for your eternity?" St Peter asks.
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I never would have thought it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be happier and better off .. in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning..
Today .. you voted."
While walking down the street one day a MP is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
The MP's soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter . "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the MP.
St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in? heaven," says the MP.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules", replies St.Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven," St Peter s ays.
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and the 24 hours in heaven passes by and St Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now which will you choose for your eternity?" St Peter asks.
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I never would have thought it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be happier and better off .. in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning..
Today .. you voted."
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
So It Is True...... I Am Weird
I am starting to realise I cannot listen to advise and recommendations without finding out stuff for myself anymore. It seems like what people recommend and swear by does not seem to work for me. Let me see......
People: Try this facial product, acne cream, mask, toner, cleanser,..... it's really good.
Ends up the only thing that really works for me is Roaccutane.
People: Got stomach problems. Use digestive enzymes and probiotics.
So far none of the medicines and supps I tried have worked well for me. Still finding out what's effective.
People: You got to get a Mac. Once you use it, you'll never switch back.
If I was rich enough and had enough time, I would go back to my PC anytime. Mac is not as intuitive and user friendly as many hail it to be. What's wrong with Steve Jobs (other than his cancer)?
People: Try this facial product, acne cream, mask, toner, cleanser,..... it's really good.
Ends up the only thing that really works for me is Roaccutane.
People: Got stomach problems. Use digestive enzymes and probiotics.
So far none of the medicines and supps I tried have worked well for me. Still finding out what's effective.
People: You got to get a Mac. Once you use it, you'll never switch back.
If I was rich enough and had enough time, I would go back to my PC anytime. Mac is not as intuitive and user friendly as many hail it to be. What's wrong with Steve Jobs (other than his cancer)?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Foolishness
I thought I would try to listen to certain tracks which were my ringtones during my friendship with J. As much as the emotions stirred up were mild compared to what I went through, it still stirred up a longing for J nonetheless. Wonder if J ever feels remotely similarly to how I feel at any one time...... ;(
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Balance
I used to be very biased against Western doctors. To me they always go after the symptoms rather than go after the root of the issue when it comes to health. While that is somewhat true, I have come to a balance after so many years. To me, there are 4 types of medicine. One is the Western, one is Chinese, one is supplements and the last would be alternative medicine. The problem I see with most people (myself included) is that we tend to lean too much to one side of it. Those who lean hard on Western medicine tend to dispise the rest and the same follows with the rest. Those who lean on Chinese medicine dispises Western medicine cos it does not deal with the root issue and the possibility of side effects caused by it. Same goes for the people who lean towards using health supps. Having been involved in MLM before I used to lean towards health supps.
The issue I find with most people who are very strong advocates of health supps (usually those who are involved in MLMs) is that they tend to push the health supps too much. Most have very little knowledge of the physiology of the human body. Some will research more but not many have knowledge beyond what their health supp company feed them. And of course, every health supp company will claim their products are a cut above the rest. The worst thing many companies do is that they mainly educate their sales people on the uses of their product and more often than not gun down the other companies' products. So what we have now is a big group of people going around trying to match the public's health condition with a product they have with little or no knowledge of whether is the product suitable for the person.
Than of course we have Western medicine, which being the mainstream form of medicine is the most common form of medicine where I am. I guess its kind of unfortunate cos many of my encounters with this form of medicine has been quite disgusting mainly due to the almighty dollar. I have a doctor friend who once explained to me why I was on a certain drug for my gastrics for so long and was not any better. Apparently, the specialist clinic which I was seeing at a hospital which I will not mention uses a certain drug which is generic. So I was given months and months of supply to control my gastrics problem. According to my friend, the actual treatment with the "real" drug is only about a week and most do not have the gastric issue after that. He then explained to me about how some doctors have voiced out against using the cheaper version of the drug but unfortunately the purchasing department only knew to go for the cheapest version. Seems like the almighty dollar got the better of them. On another occasion I needed a course of antibiotics when I saw a GP near to my former workplace and was given an antibiotic which was so outdated it was no longer sold commercially. Only after my condition worsened I returned to see my friend (should have done so in the first place) and I had to go on a much stronger one cos my initial URTI had already developed into bronchitis. So I suppose it really does matter which doctor you see.
From the circle I came from, Western doctors were very much gunned down due to various reasons. In some regards, I do see the flaws of Western medicine. But there are expects which I still respect them for. For one, most of them spend a minimum of 5-6 years to study about the human body and it's workings. Most of us would not spend nearly as much time studying but would be much faster to recommend products to others, not knowing the effects on the body. Also, though drugs do have their side effects, they are usually fast acting. When I need to get work done and yet have symptoms distracting me from it, it surely helps when I can pop some pills and get back to work pretty quickly.
I guess each discipline really has its pros and cons. For me, I presently using all 4 fields to my advantage whichever way I can. Been leaning a fair bit on Chinese medicine of late. Been having so much problems with my stomach which seem to have no relief from Western medicine as well as supplements. Thankfully, after weeks of treatment my stomach seem to be showing signs of improvement. Hopefully I will be completely well soon.
The issue I find with most people who are very strong advocates of health supps (usually those who are involved in MLMs) is that they tend to push the health supps too much. Most have very little knowledge of the physiology of the human body. Some will research more but not many have knowledge beyond what their health supp company feed them. And of course, every health supp company will claim their products are a cut above the rest. The worst thing many companies do is that they mainly educate their sales people on the uses of their product and more often than not gun down the other companies' products. So what we have now is a big group of people going around trying to match the public's health condition with a product they have with little or no knowledge of whether is the product suitable for the person.
Than of course we have Western medicine, which being the mainstream form of medicine is the most common form of medicine where I am. I guess its kind of unfortunate cos many of my encounters with this form of medicine has been quite disgusting mainly due to the almighty dollar. I have a doctor friend who once explained to me why I was on a certain drug for my gastrics for so long and was not any better. Apparently, the specialist clinic which I was seeing at a hospital which I will not mention uses a certain drug which is generic. So I was given months and months of supply to control my gastrics problem. According to my friend, the actual treatment with the "real" drug is only about a week and most do not have the gastric issue after that. He then explained to me about how some doctors have voiced out against using the cheaper version of the drug but unfortunately the purchasing department only knew to go for the cheapest version. Seems like the almighty dollar got the better of them. On another occasion I needed a course of antibiotics when I saw a GP near to my former workplace and was given an antibiotic which was so outdated it was no longer sold commercially. Only after my condition worsened I returned to see my friend (should have done so in the first place) and I had to go on a much stronger one cos my initial URTI had already developed into bronchitis. So I suppose it really does matter which doctor you see.
From the circle I came from, Western doctors were very much gunned down due to various reasons. In some regards, I do see the flaws of Western medicine. But there are expects which I still respect them for. For one, most of them spend a minimum of 5-6 years to study about the human body and it's workings. Most of us would not spend nearly as much time studying but would be much faster to recommend products to others, not knowing the effects on the body. Also, though drugs do have their side effects, they are usually fast acting. When I need to get work done and yet have symptoms distracting me from it, it surely helps when I can pop some pills and get back to work pretty quickly.
I guess each discipline really has its pros and cons. For me, I presently using all 4 fields to my advantage whichever way I can. Been leaning a fair bit on Chinese medicine of late. Been having so much problems with my stomach which seem to have no relief from Western medicine as well as supplements. Thankfully, after weeks of treatment my stomach seem to be showing signs of improvement. Hopefully I will be completely well soon.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
My Best Friend's Birthday Dinner
I have not really shared much deep stuff with him for quite some time cos I was concerned he might be disturbed or somewhat turned off to what I had to share. So it was welcoming when he himself initiated the conversation topic despite it was heavy stuff and our main purpose for meeting up was to celebrate his birthday.
The next reason was that we went to Music Dreamer's Live Cafe for a drink after that. I suppose I have not been there for probably a decade? Glad that it's still around after all these years. Though the singers have pretty much been changed (except for one), the ambiance's pretty much the same. It used to be my favorite hang out place during my army days. Only difference between then and now is that I am richer now and the entrance fee's no longer a killer compared to last time. ;)
So glad we managed to spend the time together that night. So glad he is still in my life after so many donkey years. Thank God for good friends!
Mac Book Pro
I wonder why it took me so long to finally decide to buy myself a Pro. In any case I have finally gotten one. Ain't it a beauty? Hopefully it will work as well as it looks. ;)
Monday, April 4, 2011
Helplessness
God seems pretty unfair at times. I realise that's a pretty sweeping statement. More often than not, it's a whole lot easier to see what I do not have and not see what I do. If just hard work pays off, I should be a whole lot bulkier and heavier than I am now. Unfortunately, it is not so. A whole lot of other factors come in as well. I have pretty much come to the end of myself when it comes to my physique. Think I am gonna just settle for whatever I have right now. Somehow, I have lost the zest to fight and achieve anymore. I see it in my working out. I see it in my work. I see it in almost all facets of my life.
I wonder to myself sometimes, what the hell am I here for. Even when I put in effort to try and achieve something, it always seem to end up as nothing. I see people around striving for their dreams and achieving it bit by bit. But for me, nothing seems to happen at all. Frankly I am at my wits' end now. Next step? I don't know man......
I wonder to myself sometimes, what the hell am I here for. Even when I put in effort to try and achieve something, it always seem to end up as nothing. I see people around striving for their dreams and achieving it bit by bit. But for me, nothing seems to happen at all. Frankly I am at my wits' end now. Next step? I don't know man......
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Bally
Me: Do you like the bag?
Mum: It's very nice.
Me: Do you like the bag?
Mum: It's very unique.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Cool!
I still remember it was while I was chilling out at my sis' place that I was introduced to these few videos. Together they add up to about 40 minutes but they are definitely worth watching. Enjoy......
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Nap Patong
Somehow this hotel felt different from the others I have been to before. The concept. The spaciousness. The music..... This hotel was chosen by another army buddy who did not make it for the trip in the end :( But I must say he made a good choice. Only thing was that the distance from the hotel to the shopping area was slightly further.
The lobby was open air concept and very spacious. The setting was a contemporary one. The background music was that of a jazzy feel. They took many of the popular pop songs and made it more jazzy. So the feel of it was like 'chill' feel much to my delight.
The rooms were spacious and of a minimalistic concept. It felt empty, in a nice way. The balcony was very spacious and comfortable, thus making it an excellent place for our pre-bedtime chat and drinking session.
The drinking lounge followed the same concept as well. Only problem was the mosquitoes. Thankfully, they decided to attack Ryan more instead of me. Phew ;)
Forgive me for the quality of the photos. I forgot to bring a gadget for my proper camera so I ended up using my iphone for most of the photos.
;)
Good Friends
I sometimes (ok very often!) blame God for the fact I am still single now but one thing He has made up for this loophole with are good friends. I was chatting with Ryan during our trip and I realised we have been friends for a good 11 years! It's really scary when the time line you use start to go into decades rather than years.
Frankly he has been a great pal. He has been there practically all the time for me. Despite the fact that he's married, we have been able to meet up consistently. For this I am really grateful. Still remember the time we went kk together. During the climb he was looking out for me many a times. His friendship is that of a practical one. No fancy mushy words. Just friendship in action. Thanks Ryan, it has been a great 11 years. More good decades to come I hope. ;)
Frankly he has been a great pal. He has been there practically all the time for me. Despite the fact that he's married, we have been able to meet up consistently. For this I am really grateful. Still remember the time we went kk together. During the climb he was looking out for me many a times. His friendship is that of a practical one. No fancy mushy words. Just friendship in action. Thanks Ryan, it has been a great 11 years. More good decades to come I hope. ;)
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
"Great" Singers
So far there was only one singer who could sent chills down my spine when he sings. Just this afternoon I have found another. Here's the first one,......
Here's the new addition. Mind you as you read this blog this singer already has 60 million viewers for the video below that was only added bout a month ago......
The lesson learnt here is pretty simple. Either you be really good at what you do, or just simply be the worst! Enjoy.
Here's the new addition. Mind you as you read this blog this singer already has 60 million viewers for the video below that was only added bout a month ago......
The lesson learnt here is pretty simple. Either you be really good at what you do, or just simply be the worst! Enjoy.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Time Flies
Today will be my last day in Phuket. Kind of sad. Not that this place is so good or anything. Think it's kind of the company for the last few days.I just learnt a new statement from the movie 'I Am Number Four' I managed to catch last night. "It's the company that makes the place." Actually I think they kind of learnt it from me. I always say:"It's the company that matters." ;)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Lunch
Now having lunch @ beachway Phuket. So far things pretty ok cept for the gloomy weather. It's been drizzling for the past few days so there ain't much sun. Might not be a bad thing now that I am on Roaccutane again. Gonna try to get a facial and massage later. Can't believe how many massage palours they have side by side. Hmmmmm how do they survive man?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Nap Patong
Now at Nap Patong hotel chilling out with my army buddy Ryan. Actually it was supposed to be 3 of us but unfortunately a friend could not make it. But it's ok. Good enough for me with Ryan around. This is what I call a holiday. ;)
Going Off
Now sipping my Milo at Wang in T3 while waiting for my friend. Soon I'll be going to the budget terminal to fly to Phuket. I realised how tired I was when I tried to order eggs and I asked for tea instead. Looking forward......
Sunday, March 20, 2011
When The Walls Come Crumbling Down
It's not that I enjoy writing "emo" posts. It's that my emotions have really been out of whack prior to me leaving for London. Today I finally realised I should have made going to Israel a priority instead of London. I tried to kick up all my good habits prior to London and it has been the hardest thing to do. Take for example gymming. Ever I came back I have been sick since. So it's been effectively a month since I last worked out. I can feel myself losing my tone and I am sure others have noticed as well. So much so for wanting to go to the beaches of Phuket with a toned body. The same goes for my guitar, keyboard and voice as well. Right now as I am typing this post, I am in the midst of doing my SS as well. Thank God so far so good.
As I mentioned, I have been sick since I returned from London. It started with 'URTI' and my stomach started to get involved. It became so bad that I crawled back to my Chinese physician. I cannot understand why the good doctors always have their clinics situated at places so far from home or work. Anyway I am finally getting better physically and tomorrow I think I will go back for a review to make I am fit to fully enjoy my Phuket trip.
Oh yes then there is the spiritual side. It's been a long while since I missed three Sundays at one time. And I surely paid a price for it. My emotions have been as down as my spiritual life. Life really lost its luster and I have been so weak against sin. So glad I am starting to get things back in order. Don't think I'll ever attempt such a stunt anymore. Hmmmm, is there any church in Phuket?
As I mentioned, I have been sick since I returned from London. It started with 'URTI' and my stomach started to get involved. It became so bad that I crawled back to my Chinese physician. I cannot understand why the good doctors always have their clinics situated at places so far from home or work. Anyway I am finally getting better physically and tomorrow I think I will go back for a review to make I am fit to fully enjoy my Phuket trip.
Oh yes then there is the spiritual side. It's been a long while since I missed three Sundays at one time. And I surely paid a price for it. My emotions have been as down as my spiritual life. Life really lost its luster and I have been so weak against sin. So glad I am starting to get things back in order. Don't think I'll ever attempt such a stunt anymore. Hmmmm, is there any church in Phuket?
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Acceptance
I learned a fair bit from this trip I took to London. I realised how much I crave acceptance from others. It's funny how I have never really been sensitive to this before. I have never been sensitive to being slighted or despised because of my race. I have heard of racism from the caucasians before but it's either I really never had experienced it firsthand before or I am being overly sensitive during this trip. On a number of occasions I felt slighted by the people I came across with the worse being from the people in Paris. I have been warned about them not being very helpful to English speaking people by the landlady but it's another thing to experience it firsthand. To be fair, the majority of people were really nice as a whole but I suppose I was locked into the "black sheep" of the lot.
I traveled with a group of my colleagues initially and continued my trip with one colleague while the rest headed back home after the business was taken care off. To be frank I was often annoyed with my colleague due to the little differences we had. Trust me. I usually am pretty accommodating but for some reason, many of the little nuances bothered me. The worst was the fact my colleague chewed with his mouth open. That really irritated me. On a side note, while having dinner with my 2 nephews just now, I realised both of them chew with their mouths open. Eeewwww! The ironic thing is that their father (my brother) used to bark at me for chewing with my mouth open when I was really young. I suppose it's karma. :) Back to the topic. My colleague also made little comments here and there which irritated me as well. Frankly, they were not hurting words or anything but again just little nuances.
All these made me struggle inside. Here I am wanting and hoping people would accept me just as I am. Yet, I can't seem to extend that kind of acceptance to others. My conclusion at the end of the whole thing is that I am just screwed! Hopefully this will be just one of those freak incidences whereby my mood is just all over the place. Or maybe it's just the jet lag. Yah, it must be the jet lag......
I traveled with a group of my colleagues initially and continued my trip with one colleague while the rest headed back home after the business was taken care off. To be frank I was often annoyed with my colleague due to the little differences we had. Trust me. I usually am pretty accommodating but for some reason, many of the little nuances bothered me. The worst was the fact my colleague chewed with his mouth open. That really irritated me. On a side note, while having dinner with my 2 nephews just now, I realised both of them chew with their mouths open. Eeewwww! The ironic thing is that their father (my brother) used to bark at me for chewing with my mouth open when I was really young. I suppose it's karma. :) Back to the topic. My colleague also made little comments here and there which irritated me as well. Frankly, they were not hurting words or anything but again just little nuances.
All these made me struggle inside. Here I am wanting and hoping people would accept me just as I am. Yet, I can't seem to extend that kind of acceptance to others. My conclusion at the end of the whole thing is that I am just screwed! Hopefully this will be just one of those freak incidences whereby my mood is just all over the place. Or maybe it's just the jet lag. Yah, it must be the jet lag......
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