My Sis

I guess this post will probably be one of the most memorable one I will have posted. It all happened last night when I 'confessed' to my sis about some of the latest happenings in my life and some decisions that I have made regarding my life. I can't divulge too much but suffice to say that the decision I made will cost me a lot in my life (maybe even my life), probably a whole lot more than I can imagine, but none the less I am still with it. My sis' tone changed when I told her bout it. From the usual joking manner we usually speak to each other, she became really serious, way too serious for me to handle. I initially felt a loss for words. What could I say. Whatever she said was true and we both knew it. She asked me some really sobering questions that I could not really answer and probably did not want to answer as well. I knew I was wrong but I still insist to go on this road of perdition.

Then she started to question if there was anything she could have done to have prevented me from coming to this point in my life. I felt both really bad yet good inside. Bad in a sense that my decision could have caused her such guilt and questions in her mind. Good in a sense that I am convinced once again how much she loved me as her brother. I was devastated yet touched. I thought I was an individual. I was yet I was not. I could not make any decision which not affect the people around me, especially those who cared and loved me. That was painful as well. That also added to the turmoil I was already facing inside. Thankfully, there was really nothing she could have done to have prevented me from being like this. If not, the guilt she would carry as a result would kill me even more inside. This line keeps ringing in my mind, 'I am your sister......'. I never knew such a simple line could mean so much to me. I just want to tell the whole world that I have the best sister anyone could have. Funny that it has to take such a disaster for me to realise that.

It was not an easy conversation. I knew it was a difficult pill for her to swallow. We had moments where we both sobbed (no kidding). If there was no one else who could hear me, I probably would have wailed. She cried till her eyes were swollen. I cried till my eyes became single eyelid (that's really bad!). Wish she did not have to go through that. I wondered if I should have kept it from her. But then again, she would have to know sooner than later. Poor sis. Warped dad, warped mum, warped elder bro and now super duper warped younger brother. So glad that she married a good husband and has a good family. Thank God. Some consolation at least. For her and for me as well.

We finally ended with her affirming her love for me and that should I reverse my decision she would support me all the way. What more could I say. My heart pained because I had pained her heart. But I also know that its my life. I have a choice and I have taken it howbeit a bad one. Don't ask me how I can, knowing that I am making a bad decision still go ahead with it. If I was standing outside of this situation and listening to it, I will be the first to pass a judgement. But now that I am in it and the one experiencing it, I can only say that its really different when I am in it......

Thanks Sis, for everything,...... I love you very much too,......