** Father's Love

Today I really felt like a child again. As much as I am officially 31 I get that feeling once in a while. Today's feeling was especially strong. As I sat there during worship, I couldn't help but realise how weak I am and in need of protection like a child. I always wished there was someone to protect me despite how most of the time I try to act strong and independent.

Today's message was really apt for me. It was about the 'Father's love' as in God The Father's love. My pastor spoke about how lacking a father's love really messes us up. I guess I am a testimony to that fact. Don't get me wrong. My father does love me (at least he used to). Unfortunately, if good intentions are all we need, most will not be as messed up as they are now. My dad was pretty much an absentee father for a large part of my life. Even during the times he was around there was never much of communication except for some nagging. To be fair, he provided well for my family. He was a lawyer and was doing well for a large part of his career. We lived in a bungalow and was driven around in a merc. Wished that it would suffice. Well, it wouldn't. Looking back, I would give up the luxuries of the past in exchange for a bit of affirmation and affection from him.

Most of his working life was spent trying to keep up to paying for the house and the car we had. So even during holidays he would often be stuck in the office mugging away. Really wished he could realise then that many things in life cannot be measured by dollars and cents. Other problem was that dad was emotionally handicapped. His EQ was really bad. I really found it difficult to relate to him in most areas of my life. Still remember an occasion where I was in my room and I was weeping due to a friendship that did not work out (hey I was only 14 then!). He saw my weeping in the room and he simply walked away! That left something in me.

So now, my life is pretty messed up as a result of all those stuff during the younger days. Think I still unconsciously blame him somewhat for my life. Despite the fact that I realised that it was probably because he did not receive that kind of love from his dad, that's why he acted the way he acted, I think I am still somewhat bitter against him. The worst part I guess is that he still does not realise all the harm that he has caused me. And even if he does realise, whatever he does for me or to me now will be viewed through tainted glasses. So I guess it leaves me still trying to get back something from him I know he does not even have.

So, as my pastor was sharing about his life where he had to come to a place of forgiving his dad, I think I have to come to mine. Actually I am not too sure if I am still that bitter with him anymore. I think I have come to this place where I realised in life "SHIT HAPPENS". A song is playing in the background that seems so apt for this occasion. 'I surrender all'. Think I will leave it at that for now.