I suppose now is pretty much the time to look back to the happenings and learnings of 2009. A friend asked my a couple of days ago about how 2009 went for me. My immediate response was it did not go well. I find it difficult to lie and I do not like to give cliche answers when I don't mean them. When I was pondering it again at the club today I actually realised that this year has been a really really good year. For those who know what I am going through and have gone through the past year, you may think I sort of lost it. But seriously, other than the emotional part, I can truthfully say I have had a blessed year and I will elaborate further to see if I am right or I have really lost it......
1) Throughout this year, especially for the later part, God has touched my heart in very tangible ways. I have had a lot of emotional releases. All these despite my downright rebellion against Him and His ways. God has been faithful to hold me through most of the toughest times for me emotionally. Many times through this year, I really felt I would have crumbled under the weight of the emotional catastrophes that came my way. But now I am still standing. Weak still but very much alive. Trust me, had temptations to make it to the obituary page...... To God: sorry for the pain I caused you. Sorry for the times I chose a person instead of you. You could have left me to my own devices but You intervened time and time again to save me from myself. I can't guarantee the rest of my journey will be walked in total obedience. I have already broken so many promises I have made You that I am afraid to make another one. One thing I do know, is that You will never let me go. And on that fact I will lean really hard. Thanks for everything God. Many things I do not understand now, but one day I will and I know I will regret on that day I have not trusted Your Father's heart enough. Love You Father......
2) I discovered some really beautiful friendships. People who knew about my challenges and yet accepted me as I was. I did not face any discrimination or despise from any of the friends whom I confided in. Some were my colleagues and some were church friends.
To Caleb: thanks for being someone whom I could trust my secrets with. Thanks for not condemning me and being there for me. Love you.
To Siew Lian: thanks for being so considerate of my circumstances and changing me out of AMK clinic for a period of time. Thanks for praying for me to repent. Don't know if I have fully repented but I know God had been on my back because of your prayers and I know He doesn't relent......
3) I found a best friend in my sis. Someone who was willing to walk the journey with me through my pain and joy, all without judging me but loving me and accepting me throughout. Reading my blog regularly to make sure I am still okay. :) All the encouragements and affirmations I hold deep in my heart. To Sis: just because we are siblings does not give me a right to expect all that you've done for me. As much as my challenges have made us closer in our relationship, there's a part of me that really feels bad for causing you all the heartaches. You have your own burdens to bear as a wife cum mother yet you have to share my burdens as well. For that I am eternally grateful. I really am. I love you, my sis, my best friend......
4) I met a person who made me realise things about myself I never knew. J. Although things ended in a pretty sour note and the majority of my heartache stemmed from my relationship with J, there are still some things I treasure. To J: thanks for the moments we had together over the phone. Never realised I could ever have phone conversations that last for hours. Thanks for spending time with me over a swim and dinner. Never knew I could find someone so similar to me in practically every aspect and yet be unique as you are. Never realised I could love someone the way I do you in the span of just 2 weeks. Never could have imagined the pain I felt when you stepped out of my life in an instant. Unfortunately, even if you did not just disappear from my life, our fate would still be the same because it is just so wrong to begin with. I know that post will never be read by you but none the less I just wanted you to know..... I love and miss you still...... very much. My only hope is that when all is over I'll be able to see you on the other side. Hopefully then we can get to spend some time together, without the fear, the guilt, the shame......
5) I have worked with really good colleagues. My boast has always been that since the beginning of my career, I have always worked with really good colleagues. And I am proud to say TTSH has been no exception. Granted, there are times of frustrations with colleagues but it happens on such occasional basis that I don't believe it's worth comparing to the rest of the good times we enjoy as colleagues. To my colleagues: I really appreciate each and everyone of you. Having communicated with many others in the working world, I sometimes wish that my colleagues could be everybody's colleagues so that the world would be so much better a place. I always believe that since work constitutes about a third of an average person's life, it should be enjoyed as much as possible. You people have made it so easy to enjoy work. And for that I thank you all. And I have not even come to the personal friendships we hold with each other. Love you all......
Hmmm, have said a mouthful. Guess all these are enough to prove my point. Not that my emotions are fully recovered. But I really cannot deny God's goodness in my life just because I do not feel good in my emotions.
Thanks for everything Father......
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