Sunday

Was wondering what to start with for this blog entry. Guess I would start with yesterday. Missed gym cos I was trying to catch up with my instruments. For some reason, I am starting to find that I am holding on to too many instruments at a time. Problem is that I still have 2 or 3 more instruments to add to my arsenal before I decide to quit. Think I should go into music full time man. Hmmm, need to psycho my mum to work harder. Maybe can get her to sponsor me or something. Lol. Okay, I will KIV this thought. Nope not the psychoing my mum part but maybe dropping some instruments in the meanwhile.

Went for music practice in the afternoon. Was quite overwhelmed with the difficulty of what I had to play for today. Then I started to get irritated cos of this guy called Julian. A little embarrassed that his name starts with J as well. Actually he is a nice guy by nature. But he is darn irritating I must say. He talks crap most of the time, racks jokes that ain't funny and likes to add funny sounds for one of the praise songs that we were doing today. Wonder why the worship leader was ok with it. By the end of the practice I was almost fuming with frustration. I must admit though that Julian was probably just one of the triggering factors and not the only one (though he certainly has the potential to be one). Think I was envious of my worship leader as well. He came in with his gf and for some reason that triggered some feelings that should not have been. Yap so the story goes on. So by the end I was 'black faced' and my worship coach could see it. Think he thought that I was just being stressed by him. Actually not. Was quite happy to be trained by him. Nice person. Super duper skills in many instruments. My idol! :)

Went back from the practice feeling really lonely. My coach was so kind to give me a lift home. So as I went to grab my dinner prior to heading home, I walked past J's block again. I wonder why I always do that when I am nearby. Okay, no need to wonder. The answer is pretty obvious. And if I really see J face to face, what would I say? "Errrr, hi J. Though I still don't think it's my fault but I still miss you so much. Can we still be friends?" Or maybe I would get so emotional that I would probably break into tears before I can even speak. The latter more likely. Neither of which would help I believe. I have put myself in J's shoes. If I do not like a person, no matter what the person does or says, I don't think I would easily change my mind about it. So I suppose it would probably be the same with J. Guess I probably do not want to face the possibly of being rejected again. The first almost killed me. Don't think I can take a second. As I told a colleague, if a 2 week relationship could devastate me to such an extent, if the relationship was a 2 month or 2 year one, there probably would not be any blog left for anyone to read.

Not to say that I have not contemplated suicide before. After all, there seems to be no meaning to life at all when the person I so wanna be with does not feel the same towards me, not to mention ignore me. But thank God I do have some sanity left. I also believe that there are a number of people who are on their knees (okay maybe not literally, but you get the point) praying for me to return to sanity. So I guess God is not about to let me throw in the towel. You see, it is really funny. Overall, I must admit that I am doing pretty okay practically every area of my life. Got a decent career. Good quality friends who really care bout me. Good family. Good church. Only thing that is bothering me is my love life. Going by percentage I suppose I should be pretty happy and content with life. But I catch myself sighing away very often. I won't be surprised that I might be sighing soon more out of habit than because of worries. Somehow that one aspect of my life has become so big that it has clouded everything else.

Maybe its the fact that I have hit 30 that's scaring me. Or maybe its the fact that most of my contemporaries are attached or married. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't wanna be alone. Whatever the reason is, it does not justify me becoming the way I have become. There is more to life than just physically being with someone. I need to get out of this stupor. And soon. For now, I really can't see light at the end of the tunnel.

Errr, I thought I was supposed to talk bout yesterday. Hmmm, seems that J has been haunting my thoughts too much. Lol. Anyway, I am no longer in the mood to continue. Gotta go practice my piano and stuff. Will blog again soon and hopefully there would be something good to talk about, like J is dead or something. KIDDING!!!!! :)