I must admit things spilled over from work today. Now I can't even pinpoint what from work caused me to behave the way I did during worship prac this evening. The Mandarin worship prac went fine. It was the English one that was the final straw. I really could not gel with the team in terms of playing. I was so looking forward cos Caile would be playing as well. Had not spent time with him for quite a long while.
In the midst I really found it hard to play. It was difficult to blend in or complement with the worship leader. Coupled with that I had to juggle with making sure I lifted the fucking pedal enough so as not to affect the sound. So from time to time I get reminders from my bro to lift my feet high enough. Seriously, is it that expensive to buy a fucking pedal? Why hasn't the worship coach replaced it since it ain't functioning well? Do I give pennies for tithes or what? :( I don't blame my bro. Being the 'nirvana' state musician I am sure all the little things bother him. I was surprised that he was really patient with me. In fact, it came to a point I was just so frustrated that I just sat there and refused to play at all. I know, I really acted like some spoilt brat. Trust me, I surprised myself when I managed to compose myself and continued the practice without leaving half way, which was a strong temptation. My bro was there almost like trying to pacify me. In fact, after a while he even went to pour me a cup of water to cool me down, which I rudely rejected. Sorry bro. :( Okay, I am a spoilt brat after all.
When my brother took over for a while to show me how to play, I came to realise how inadequate I really am. That was when I just wanted to step out. And I came so so close. Looking back I wonder what made me stay. Wanting to keep my face? Trying not to look spoilt? But to my credit I stayed and practiced till the end. After that, my bro so nicely came up and offered to play from where I did not feel confident to play from. But I turned it all over to him, giving the excuse I did not have much time to practice for Sunday, which is partially true. So, like all good brothers he agreed to take over.
As usual I was the first one to leave the place. Upset as well. My bro then smsed me and reminded me not to let the keyboard playing affect my self-worth. He hit it spot on cos it definitely smashed my already diminished self-worth. I really felt like a failure. Work's been an issue, my personal life's warped and now I can't even serve God properly. WTF! Seriously, I should go bash up my worship coach for putting me in a spot I could not say no to starting keyboard again. Anyway, bro smsed me again to remind me that if it was that easy, the team would not have been facing a shortage of musicians and again reminded me to take it easy on myself whatever my decision may be. Thanks bro. :)
So here I am siting in front of my com, typing away though I should be sleeping away because of this incident. Frankly, I know all these are just angry words but I really do not know if I wanna go on like that. Maybe I should just concentrate on my singing. Whatever! Need to rest. It's another workday tomorrow. OMG! Woe unto me......
Oh, I am glad though cos Caile commented that my playing improved and my brother has really been very encouraging towards me despite all my nonsense........
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