** 3 a.m. In The Morning

Woke up about an hour ago feeling so hungry I decided to go get a milo to tide me over till 7. Guess what? I am still awake now. For good reason though. Felt the need to just spend some time in the word. Ended up praying about stuff that in the natural is really quite scary for me.

Impressive right? Two bibles some more. :)

Been spending more time in the bible of late so my mind has been more sane. Was reading about John 8:32 about the freedom in abiding in the word of God. Was also reading 2 Corinthians 12:8-12 about Paul's thorn in the flesh as well as God's power in our weakness. The more I thought about that passage, the more it did not make sense to me. I thought that the Christian life is always marked with success and victories. Where is the place for weakness? 

Guess I always had this picture painted in my mind that the hallmark of a mature Christian is a life without troubles or problems. Apparently not. Seems like my doctrine has been erroneous to some extent. Still trying to grapple with all these truths. Holy Spirit, please shed some light on these. 

Found myself praying and talking to God about some issues in my life. Really want to walk to the finish line doing what God has called me to do and not what I want to do. I realised that it's so easy to look at what others have and try to pursue them when it may not be what God has in mind for me. 

Been thinking about celibacy. Told God that if it is His will for my life, I want to accept it graciously and thankfully. I do not want to despise it because the world does not favor it. The bible calls celibacy a gift and if it is a gift that God has for me, I want to accept it willingly. 

For now, I am in the mode of just gritting my teeth and trying to hold on without backsliding till Jesus comes back. I need to change that as well. God I really need strength. 

Having prayed all these, there is a fear at the back of my mind. Actually, I think it might be at the forefront as well. I fear that I might and most probably will stumble again. I do not know whether I can take another fall and get back up again. Really do not want to go through all I have been through in the past year ever again......

1 John 4:18 says that perfect love drives out fear. Guess I need to realise more of God's perfect love. I know that I might fall again but in God's perfect love He has provided the payment in advance should I do fall. Jesus had already paid for whatever sin I might commit in the future. I really need to realise it. God I need You.

Okay, with all said guess I can go get some rest......