The good thing about having free time is the freedom to sit back and chill a little. The bad thing is the freedom to think about things without much distractions. Been thinking a fair bit about my life of late and what I want in life. I must say that I am pretty torn inside. What I want is not what God wants for me. It's pretty obvious. The past few months have taught me that. The lessons were hard and painful. Even now, I am still feeling the heat of it in my heart. I really want it but does that warrant or make it justifiable for me to have it? Knowing that my life is suppose to belong to the One who paid such a heavy price for it certainly does not help.
Do I not have a say in my own life? What if the One who supposedly owns my life really knows what He is doing? Do I trust Him. No, I don't. My actions and thoughts have proven it time and time again. I think I have to come to a decision and soon. Even if I do not crack from the guilt of sin and rebellion, I will crack from my heart being torn in two directions. My feelings or God? God or my feelings? I really don't know. Is there no simple solution that will take care of both? Unfortunately no. Do I follow God and risk not having someone in my life? Do I follow my feelings and go into a relationship that I know may not have or probably will not have a good ending? Does God really know what's best? For me?
Actually, all the answers are pretty obvious. But I don't know if I really want to take that plunge. Will I turn back? All the questions lurk in my mind right now. I seriously do not know how long I am going to straddle between the fence so to speak. Though it hurts, I still will not get off. Any conclusions? Nope, not yet. But what I do know is that God is still not through with me. I know He is gently wooing me back. Maybe I do not need to be wooed. I just need to be dragged back I suppose.......
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