My Bestie

Not too sure if I like to use this word "bestie". Think I still prefer the traditional term "best friend". I think my world seems to be going through a major change, unfortunately seemingly for the worse. It seems like things have changed or evolved to something I am not too sure I am ready to embrace.

I was spending time with my best friend last night over dinner. I realised that there does not seem to be much to talk about anymore. I tried to comfort myself by reminding myself of my age old philosophy that the important thing is the company, not just the dialogue. But even that philosophy seems to be decaying right before my eyes. One of the reasons my ex did not want to continue the relationship was because we did not have much to talk about. At first, I thought she was just being superficial. Now I am understanding more and more her words of wisdom.

I don't know. It seems like my whole philosophy and my beliefs are going through a meltdown. Now, I am not even too sure what I believe in anymore. Everything seems to have become blurry to me and there is no definition to anything anymore. I think I am missing it somewhere but I can't point a finger to it. Is my life pretty much over? Is my existence on this Earth really just an existence? I don't know. As I was telling my best friend last night, I can't recall a moment in a long time I have been really happy.

Feel like I am coming to a point where all my clutches are breaking. Nothing seems to be working. Even my beliefs in God seem to be shaking. Seriously, what is truth? Is there any absolutes in life? Right now, I am just living according to my obligations. I ought to work, so I work. I ought to serve God, so I serve. I promised to lead worship tomorrow, so I lead. My best friend asked my last night what was the point of doing things since I do not even enjoy it? He asked if God meant it to be that way. For me, the answer's quite simple. If I am not happy whether I do right or wrong, I might as well be unhappy doing right. Yes, I may not enjoy serving God, but the alternatives not any better so I may as well serve God.

Hmmm, I guess I really have too much on my mind. I meant to talk about my bestie and I end up talking about other stuff. That's one reason I sometimes look forward to work. It serves as a form of distraction. I suspect I am not alone in this. Think this London trip will help somewhat. Then again, if the clutches are breaking, I am heading straight for another fall. Will I ever see light again?