I did my usual devotional material which I started reading for 2011 and today's heading was 'No Time For Cracked Pots'. It took reference form 2 Timothy 2:20, which was talking about the vessels of gold and silver for God's use. The author (Kenneth Copeland) was urging me to choose to be the vessel of honor, to be used by God. That brought me back to a youth camp many years back when a friend gave a word to me which went like I am a vessel of honor.
As I stood in my room thinking about the devotional, I could not help but withdraw myself emotionally. I told God that many years back, I would not hesitate to 'be' the vessel of honor. But now, I hesitate to do so. Frankly, I do not know the exact reason. Could be the fact I feel like I wasted many years and wrecked myself in many ways so I do not have the courage to give myself fully to God. Could be the belief deep down that God cannot use someone like me anymore. Could be the thought that I have backslided too far to ever go at it again. The bottom line is that I really do not want to consecrate myself to God. I then told God that He would really have to speak to me in this area.
I went as usual to church after. During service, pastor shared about how Israel recently found oil, which signifies that the end is really near. He said in essence the finding of oil basically brings closer the attack from Russia (as stated in Ezekiel). So the conclusion is: The end is really near. I would never have imagined myself to have fallen to this state but I thought I have heard all these many years ago. What makes it different this time. But that's not the point. The point is that because of His coming and the perilous end times, we need to grow very fast and "consecrate" ourselves from unclean things. Pastor also quoted 2 Timothy 2:20 during his sermon. Nope, it was not a 'thunder and lightning' kind of sermon and experience. But it was a confirmation from God, on the same day I asked to be spoken to regarding the same area. So I guess it demands a response from my part. Now that God has spoken and confirmed it, what am I gonna do about it?
Frankly I think I am just acting dumb. The answer's kind of simple. Not easy, but it sure is simple. Right now I am caught between a rock and a hard place so to speak. I really am finding it difficult to lay my life down for God. Intellectually, I know it's a good thing. But I just can't seem to do it. I can't even give mental accent to it at all. Just the thought of it scares me. Maybe it's all coming at one time and I am not able to process it. I just barely got my life in order and for once in a long time, life seems hopeful. Giving myself in surrender seems to be losing all hope right before my eyes. I don't have a lot to lose but I just can't seem to do it! I just remembered prior to me starting my devotion today I was pondering about life. As much as it seems to be getting exciting since I am well on the road to recovery, I still feel lonely and empty. And I still remember telling God to speak to me in regards to my life. Then the devotion part came. Arrggghhhhh! God is speaking so clearly! Why am I still holding back??!!!! Why can't I just let go????!!!
This could be the start of the greatest journey in my life, or it could be the start of an endless frustrated life that's not even worth living. And it's all between my ears. Jonah! When will you ever come to your senses? Must you always live up to your story in the bible?
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