Singlehood

I have been wanting to write about this for the longest time. Really want to get some things off my chest. So now that I have some spare time or some carved out time, I will attempt to pen my thoughts about it.

To me this word is almost like a vulgarity of sorts as with the word 'celibacy'. I believe many are also like minded with this attitude. It seems like to the world being alone or single is like being a loser of sorts. Somehow I get a lot of such questions like 'Got girlfriend or not?', 'How come don't have?', 'Your standard too high is it?' or something like that. Even I ask that often in my conversations. Seems like a good conversation filler of sorts. And I don't blame people for that cos even in the bible God said that it was not good for man to be alone. And I find myself very challenged, not so much in getting attached but in the attitude of feeling like a loser now that after being alive for almost 33 years, I am still single.

Worse is that I find myself subconsciously avoiding the subject and even trying to divert the subject when asked if I am attached, instead of proudly or at least saying it unawkwardly (forgive my bad English) I am single and avoiding the word 'still'. It almost feels like I am a lower life form or second class human now that I am still(there you go!) single. Why should I be embarrassed about being single? Why should I feel like I am a loser that I am single?

I think the most painful part of it all is not that I chose to be single. I feel like I am being forced to be single. In my life till now, I can proudly say I have befriended many (and I am choosing my words wisely here) good quality ladies. Ladies who have character and are the nicest girls any man can find. Even in my workplace I can already name a couple of ladies who are really good people. I have yet to come to church context. Unfortunately having gone through a unique journey of self discovery I came to realise I have the potential of hurting the other party as well as myself due to my character and attitude I came to a conclusion it is really better not to start any bgr since the likelihood of failure is really high in my own estimation. So there you go, a forced choice which is not actually a choice.

Not that I have not tried. If you go to one of my first few post in this blog, you would see my writing about this girl I tried to woo in church. Even up to today (close to 3 years later), I still find it smarting whenever I see her with her boyfriend. Worse is that it is not natural talking to her as a friend anymore. Even though I believed she moved on, I can't seem to say so on my side. Yet, I am more than aware that I really failed her as boyfriend. I should be thankful that she even gave me a chance to step out into a bgr with her.

So, moving on, I can only see myself as being single for now till Jesus returns. Am I gonna have to go through these feelings of low self-esteem everytime someone asks about my bgr status? And frankly, the future does not look too bright. With the only assurance that my age is sure to increase and in time to come I will hit my forties, either I have a total mental shift or I can expect more issues to crop up as I age. Hmmm, gloom and misery! :( Okie, before I totally drown in the ocean of misery I better go get a breather. Will prob continue this another time when my head is more clear,...... till next time......