Not too sure what I am feeling right now. I feel torn between my wants and what God wants for me. Not that I am very sure of what God wants for me but I am quite certain it excludes many of what I want. For example, it's slightly more than a year since J walked out on me. Right now, I still yearn for J. I know well that this is not what God wants for me but still I can't help missing J from time to time.
I think being stuck in the middle straddling between the two is the worst place. Even if I decide to go my own way and find out (or maybe knowing all along but ignoring) at the end of the road I have been barking up the wrong tree, at least I would have accomplished something. Or better still, if I could just dump my feelings and follow God all the way, I know at least I have lived my life to please Him. Right now, having two legs in two boats and them moving further and further apart is hurting me right in the middle!
Somehow I can't find myself going in either direction. I can't seem to move on with God without jumping right back to my former life. Neither can I just immerse myself totally into the former life without feeling downright miserable and meaningless in life. I have been in this place for some time now. God I really need HELP now! Who will save me from this wretched life????????
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