Drums at St Paul's

It's been the longest time since I got to play drums in a church setting. I was kind of apprehensive cos the last time I played in church I really struggled. I felt very pressured and stressed. As a result, I decided to take a hiatus from drums for the time being. So when Daniel asked me to play, I was kind of reluctant. But I agreed cos it was also Ian's last session with us at St Paul's. So I decided to just go ahead though I felt totally unprepared for this. Thank God Daniel was really patient with me and really helpful as well. Really calmed my nerves a lot when I played with his leading.

That's Ian, a really good boy. Gonna miss him when he goes to Aus with his parents......

Another Torturous Wed

I must admit things spilled over from work today. Now I can't even pinpoint what from work caused me to behave the way I did during worship prac this evening. The Mandarin worship prac went fine. It was the English one that was the final straw. I really could not gel with the team in terms of playing. I was so looking forward cos Caile would be playing as well. Had not spent time with him for quite a long while.

In the midst I really found it hard to play. It was difficult to blend in or complement with the worship leader. Coupled with that I had to juggle with making sure I lifted the fucking pedal enough so as not to affect the sound. So from time to time I get reminders from my bro to lift my feet high enough. Seriously, is it that expensive to buy a fucking pedal? Why hasn't the worship coach replaced it since it ain't functioning well? Do I give pennies for tithes or what? :( I don't blame my bro. Being the 'nirvana' state musician I am sure all the little things bother him. I was surprised that he was really patient with me. In fact, it came to a point I was just so frustrated that I just sat there and refused to play at all. I know, I really acted like some spoilt brat. Trust me, I surprised myself when I managed to compose myself and continued the practice without leaving half way, which was a strong temptation. My bro was there almost like trying to pacify me. In fact, after a while he even went to pour me a cup of water to cool me down, which I rudely rejected. Sorry bro. :( Okay, I am a spoilt brat after all.

When my brother took over for a while to show me how to play, I came to realise how inadequate I really am. That was when I just wanted to step out. And I came so so close. Looking back I wonder what made me stay. Wanting to keep my face? Trying not to look spoilt? But to my credit I stayed and practiced till the end. After that, my bro so nicely came up and offered to play from where I did not feel confident to play from. But I turned it all over to him, giving the excuse I did not have much time to practice for Sunday, which is partially true. So, like all good brothers he agreed to take over.

As usual I was the first one to leave the place. Upset as well. My bro then smsed me and reminded me not to let the keyboard playing affect my self-worth. He hit it spot on cos it definitely smashed my already diminished self-worth. I really felt like a failure. Work's been an issue, my personal life's warped and now I can't even serve God properly. WTF! Seriously, I should go bash up my worship coach for putting me in a spot I could not say no to starting keyboard again. Anyway, bro smsed me again to remind me that if it was that easy, the team would not have been facing a shortage of musicians and again reminded me to take it easy on myself whatever my decision may be. Thanks bro. :)

So here I am siting in front of my com, typing away though I should be sleeping away because of this incident. Frankly, I know all these are just angry words but I really do not know if I wanna go on like that. Maybe I should just concentrate on my singing. Whatever! Need to rest. It's another workday tomorrow. OMG! Woe unto me......

Oh, I am glad though cos Caile commented that my playing improved and my brother has really been very encouraging towards me despite all my nonsense........

Sunday Bloopers

Yap, was playing keyboard for worship again the recent sunday. And again the worship leader was Daniel. Think he is the only one who sees enough potential in me to let me support him in worship leading. It started off with the mandarin worship which was led by Cindy. It was okay during the initial phase until we came to the last worship song. Because we were short of time, Cindy decided to do away with the second last song in prompt to. Problem was that I misread her signal and I ended playing a higher key than what she needed. Worse off was that the chord sheet did not have it transposed in the higher key so I ended up having to stop playing for certain portions of the song. Surprisingly, I was pretty cool about it. I suppose on the normal day I would have freaked out. But somehow I was calm and composed. So I just stopped at certain parts and continued whenever I was confident that I could transpose the key in my mind without much problem.

So that went off fine. Next came the English one. Actually the English worship was pretty ok. Only problem was when Pastor wanted to change one of the songs for the closing. Ended letting Jeff who is the piano expert (and guitar, bass and drums as well! Envy) do the keyboard for the song while I just sat at the back of the stage and rested. When he was done with that, then I took over the rest. Hmmmm, kind of proud of myself that I did not really feel insecure about that. But for my part, I will definitely work harder at my instrument so hopefully such bloopers will not happen again. Hmmmm, still long way to go........

Today's Worship

I finally got through today's worship! Okay, sounds like I really dreaded which I did in a sense. No. 1 I had not seriously touched the keyboard for months.
No. 2 I only received the songlist on thursday so effectively I had only 3 days to prepare.
No. 3 There were fast songs with Cm Fm Gm Bb Eb Ab chords in it.
Arrrrrrhhhh.

Yesterday when we had the practice I really panicked man. Thank God for solid guitarists like Thye Peng. He was the one who played the most so I could get away with mininal playing. Whew. Actually he used to play for NCC worship team so he got 'liao' one man.

So the mandarin worship went pretty okay, thank God. Did not destroy the worship which I thought I would have. :) Then came the english one. Thank God it turned out pretty okay as well. My worship leader Daniel was really good. I am always impressed with his ability to take the simple skills that I have and make it sound good overall. Think I need to play more in worship. Gone rusty is really an understatement. I bugged Daniel to teach me keyboard after the session. Hope he can squeeze out time to coach me. That would be great.

Hmmm, so many things to learn, so little time. Hmmm, the conclusion? I just need like a million bucks so that I can quit my job and go full time into music. That would be heaven man. Okay back to reality again. Just take things one step at a time I suppose.

Thank you Lord for watching over my hands today. Really grateful that You pulled me through man......