Worship Retreat 2016

It was great working with some peeps from the worship team to bring about our church worship retreat for this year. Actually, my usual lazy self would have declined helping with the retreat or any camp for that matter. But my worship buddies Amos and Hannah were in the committee this year and so I decided to help when they asked me. No regrets. Other than being part of the committee I also led worship during the second day. It really felt like I went into another realm of leading worship. For the fact that I so seldom lead worship it really amazes me when that happens. Somehow God is still holding on to me despite me. He really is faithful.....

My Inspiration

 I find myself very often despondent at my circumstances in life. Life often seem hopeless despite the fact I belong to and serve an almighty God. Think that sometimes make the situation worse since my life far from depicts the life I believe God has in store for me. The disparity between faith and reality seems to tear on the inside of me all the time. Then at times I come across videos and testimonies that bring hope in life. The above is one such video. Up till now, I still cannot understand why certain things are the way they are, but it's definitely inspiring to see people keep an attitude of faith and hope despite.

Father while I do not understand why many things are the way they are, I ask you to help me live and react the way you would have me to, the way that pleases Your heart. Thank you Father......

Drums at St Paul's

It's been the longest time since I got to play drums in a church setting. I was kind of apprehensive cos the last time I played in church I really struggled. I felt very pressured and stressed. As a result, I decided to take a hiatus from drums for the time being. So when Daniel asked me to play, I was kind of reluctant. But I agreed cos it was also Ian's last session with us at St Paul's. So I decided to just go ahead though I felt totally unprepared for this. Thank God Daniel was really patient with me and really helpful as well. Really calmed my nerves a lot when I played with his leading.

That's Ian, a really good boy. Gonna miss him when he goes to Aus with his parents......

Hope

 
 Romans 15:13 - Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (NASB)

I must admit I started 2013 with a sense of hopelessness. Thinking about it, I believe the worst emotion to ever have is hopelessness. What meaning is there to life when a person does not feel any hope at all? I guess it is fair to say one of the main reasons why people contemplate suicide is because of hopelessness? Thank God I have not arrived at that stage yet, though I do feel like I am edging towards it from time to time. One day, I started to meditate on the verse above cos I felt that life is not meant to be lived without any sense of hope. Thank God He started to minister life to me from that verse. Now there's still hope life can be fulfilling and meaningful......

Hillsong Conference Part 1

 

Just came back last night from my Hillsong Conference. It was a really good trip to say the least. Here are just some of the photos and videos I took during the trip. Hung out with a crazy bunch from the Hillsong College. The video explains itself.

Grace Doctrine

So the anger of the LORD burned against them and He departed. But when the cloud had withdrawn from over the tent, behold, Miriam was leprous, as white as snow. As Aaron turned toward Miriam, behold, she was leprous. - Numbers 12:9,10

I was listening to Joyce Meyer quote this verse yesterday on my way to work. She was talking about people who speak against God's anointed. In this context Miriam and Aaron had spoken against Moses about his choice of marriage partner. As I heard it, the first thought that came to mind was "we are under grace, we will not suffer the same fate as Miriam did." While that is true I realised I missed the point of the lesson. Yes, God does forgive the person who does it and Jesus had borne our sins and punishment as well. But if God is the same yesterday, today and forever, this attitude still irritates the socks out of Him. And I realised a flaw I have, coming out of the grace teaching many years back.

I seem to be more focused on myself rather than Jesus, who is grace personified. Whenever I come across passages which entail discipline for wrong attitudes and actions, my first reaction would usually be that Jesus had taken the bad stuff upon Himself so it will not happen to me. So in the end it really points to me and my well-being rather than the lesson put forth. I will assume I am the only person who has such a problem. ;)

Some will argue that it is the embrace of the grace doctrine that leads to such issues. I will put forth my two cents worth: It is the embrace of ONLY the grace doctrine while discounting others that leads to issues. Often, I notice that people who embrace the grace doctrine and only the grace doctrine seem to go way off in life. They mouth slogans often but their lives don't seem to mirror their slogans. They can be downright irresponsible in their actions but yet use grace as their excuse for it. I find it amusing how some can talk so much about grace as if there is nothing else in the bible. If the grace doctrine was the ONLY doctrine around as some seem to make it out to be, the bible should be just a few pages thick since it will then only contain the verses about grace......

Drained

I thought I would get energized from attending the conference over the past 3 days but it seems like I am more tired than normal. I guess I was hoping to get more rest since I have not been working for the past 3 days but unfortunately that did not happen. For one, I was still waking up at the same time I would for work. Then, even though I sleep about the same time, I feel more tired during the day. What's wrong? Withdrawal symptoms?

The conference was quite ok. I cried a fair bit as usual. Should have stayed for the night meetings but I gave it a miss cos I did not want to join the evening crowd to go home. Yap I know. Lame. There were lots of healings and impartations as well. This was the first time I might have come close to seeing the scene in the gospel when people were trying to touch Jesus in order to get healed. Bill Johnson was going around laying hands on people to impart the anointing to them. And there were people literally squeezing and stretching their hand out in the hope that Bill would notice and touch them. It felt kind of funny to see them on the projection screen.

To be frank I was mildly disgusted at first, seeing the scene on the screen. Then I changed my attitude when I saw my Pastor on the screen as well. I knew I wanted Bill's anointing when it came to teaching the bible but for me to be up there trying to get a touch from Bill really seemed embarrassing to say the least. I guess you could equate the scene to some ladies trying their best to squeeze through a crowd and grab that last item on sale. So in order to save my dignity I gave it a miss. I know again. Lame. Possibly stupid. Guess I was not as hungry compared to the others. Will be giving tomorrow a miss cos of worship meeting and practice. Sigh.

Ministering To Others

I found myself in an awkward place this evening as I was about to leave the conference. As I walked towards the exit of the hall I saw a man standing around some seats looking about. I noticed one of his eye looked whitish where it was supposed to be black. So I just supposed it to be a blind eye not thinking too much about it since I see this kind of condition every now and then in the clinic. I also noticed the white cane near him so I figured it must be somewhat like that. Next thing I know, a thought come to mind. "He will not walk away from the conference disappointed". Before long I suspected it might just be a word for him. Then I started panicking. What if I was wrong? What if it was just me? I wanted to walk away quickly and exit the hall but I found myself walking towards him. Oh no!

I stood in front of him and said hi. Told him I did not know him but I felt God wanted to tell him he would not walk away from the conference disappointed. I wanted to leave but he proceeded to ask me to pray for him. Even though it seemed obvious what he wanted prayer for, I asked him what he wanted me to pray for him regarding. I had just learned in the conference we should ask them what they need prayer for cos the apparent need may not be the need they have on their mind. How true! He seemed reluctant at first but he started to open up to me. He told me he was a leader in a certain church who had lost one eye due to a certain disease couple of years ago. He then told me the issue he wanted prayer for was the divorce he was facing cos his wife did not want to live with a blind man.

Great! I just wanted to release a word then I end up praying for a man facing a divorce because of a blind eye! Anyway, I prayed for him and then I started feeling compassion for him. I ended up the one tearing! What came after the prayer was the shocker so to say. He told me he was asking the Lord for someone to encourage him with a word and he did not expect it to be so fast. Wow! I really heard GOD! I walked away awed to say the least, that God would use me to minister to someone. Praise God......

Surrender

I found myself in a scary place this morning. Was contemplating about a plan I am to execute during my absence from work during the third quater of the year. Prior to that, I was thinking about what God seems to be doing on the face of the Earth now and frankly that gave me the jitters. As much as I am aware I have been purposed for a time as this, I feel awfully inadequate to be all He wants me to be and to do all He wants me to do. Even the thought that He would supply all I need to fulfill His call was not much of a consolation. Then came the thought of giving up my plan in order to devote my time more fully to spiritual stuff. That was another stumbling block to me. Yes, I may not have been consistent in my pursuit of the plan but it's really one thing I desire to fulfill. So the thought of giving it up really added to my "sorrow". For now there's no clear yes or no from God but I guess I am appealing to His compassionate side. :) Let's wait and see......

Service Today

I left today's service with a flurry of thoughts. It was like revelation Sunday for me today. I suppose it's been a while since God put so much in my heart in one morning alone. The ironic thing was that I just blew it in regards to some issues in my life and I least expected the revelations to come. Seems like my philosophy of God has been radically changing of late. Guess it's a good thing?

It started with awesome mandarin worship. I usually find it a challenge to worship God in church since my mind usually gets absorbed with how the music goes. The little nuances seem to bother me or rather distract me from concentrating on God. But the worship was great at least till the pastor took over. Not too sure how the story goes but he came on stage to lead a song and he pretty much flopped. Somehow I have this feeling he just does not know the song at all. Thankfully, I was pretty much done by that time.

A fellow brother whom I respect very much in the faith walked past me during worship and sort of jolted me a little. When I saw him, I suddenly remembered how a couple of years ago (if I remember my facts correctly) he had to go through a major heart surgery. Then I felt God put in my heart that he is supposed to be doubly healthy. For one, the bible promises God's healing and removal of our diseases for every believer. Then there is another promise in Exodus 23:25 God promised He would personally remove sicknesses from anyone who serves Him. So from that God revealed that he, being a faithful server as a missionary has double health. What God then showed me was even more cool. Basically, aging is a form of disease and that's the reason why God promises a renewal of youth: A removal or reversal of the disease of aging. I was appalled by that. I know for sure the changes in my well being from my twenties to my thirties have definitely been obvious. And now, I can start trusting God to heal my body from aging. Woopie!!!!

So at the end of the service, I went to pray for the brother. So glad I did. Next was during English worship when God started to put in my heart thoughts about me living life without guilt and shame because at any point I am feeling and entertaining the guilt and shame I am basically kicking God out of my consciousness. That was another revelation. Having been through all I have been through and yet not giving my challenges any time of the day was a radical thought.

Then during the sermon my pastor was talking about restoration, time warps and so forth. The time warp part especially got my attention. I really need to sit on this for some time to milk it but basically pastor made references to events in the bible when time was warped in order to let God's purpose come to past. Examples would include Joshua commanding the sun to stand still, Elijah running ahead of Ahab, Philip's translation, the reaper overtaking the sower and some others. The best part was when he spoke about God restoring to us the years the locust have eaten. That was very encouraging since I am well aware of many things I have wasted in life. Time, money and energy just to name a few. So this was really speaking to me.

Can't believe so much info has been put into my heart in one morning alone. I really am awed by God and what He does......

Last Night's Worship

Frankly, I was not too sure how it went. For me, it was the first time I led worship without any chord sheet. I was kind of concerned for any "blank out" moments which I would need to lean back on the ipad (where my song sheets are compiled) but thankfully there were none. So I suppose it's the beginnings of my "playing by ear" journey.

It was a dilemma for me when I thought of asking for feedback from the life group facebook page. On one hand, I did not want to be fishing for compliments in an underhanded way. Yet, I did not want to be oblivious to any glaring problems which may have surfaced yet went away unnoticed. My focus is usually on trying to get things flowing and get mistakes to be minimal since any mistake can be a distraction.

So far there are two feedback and both were good. So I suppose it went well. Won't be doing too much worship leading this year. Think I'll be focusing on improving my chops on the various instruments I play. Guess I'll get to play more for the Sunday services, namely the Mandarin service. Somehow I feel more confident playing for them since the congregation's made up mainly of the elderly. To me they seem more forgiving towards poorer quality instrumentation. ;) Of course, I do hope in time to come to play for the English service. Hopefully, I'll be less stressed up then. It'll be nice to be able to worship God more fully on the instrument than being focused on not making mistakes. We'll see......

Divine Health And Healing

It started to dawn on me the need to believe God for divine health and healing of late when I realised my health was going down the tubes. Last year I chalked up my full entitlement of mcs and the year before I was only half day short. This year I took four days of medical leave in just the first two months. That sacred me somewhat. I used to blame it on stress till a major bulk of it was removed then I realised I have no more excuses left. Recently I even had MRI done for my stomach due to some symptoms I have been suffering from. Thank God the results were good. However, most of the symptoms have not abated. So I am sort of left hanging cos there's no "real" reason why I should have such symptoms.

I think the fact that I have been religiously taking health supps have added to the delusion of me being healthy as well. Now that I am left hanging without a diagnosis and just the possibility of taking a lifetime of drugs to alleviate my symptoms, I guess there's no other way to turn but up. Kind of funny how I only leave God to be the last resort when He always wants to be the first.

In any case, I have started on my quest of believing God for divine health and healing. Gonna spend more time meditating on healing verses and Psalm 91 as well......

 ⁴ Surely he took up our pain
   and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
   stricken by him, and afflicted.
⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed. - Isaiah 53 (NIV)

Humbling Myself

It was an interesting lifegroup last evening. I did something which I don't think I would have done but also wish I would never have to do again. I felt led the previous lifegroup to apologize to a fellow member in the lifegroup setting for having judged him. I told God that as long as He wanted it I would do it.

So last night I was reminded again at the end of the session and I did it. I stood in front of everyone and told him I was sorry for having judged him. It really scared me, being so vulnerable to show my inside thoughts even though I am sure I was not the only one who felt those negative feelings, though that's beside the point. Think it triggered something in the spirit. Anyway, I think I would think twice for ever judging anyone ever again.....

J: A Closed Chapter

I was pleasantly surprised a couple of days ago when this incident happened. Following RTF and meditating on God's word, I suddenly had an idea to include J in my 7 week prayer. It was a good experience. For once I could pray for J as a friend and nothing more than that. In fact I quite enjoyed it. I could imagine J coming to know the Lord and becoming on fire for Him. Then one day, I just felt led to stop praying for J and remove the item totally from my prayer list. I felt very at ease doing it, knowing God is at work and there is no longer a soul tie between the both of us.

So glad I could finally close one really big and heavy chapter in my life. Time to get moving......

I used to wish J never happened in my life. Now I am at peace about it, knowing what the devil meant for evil God really turned it out for good. Thank you Father.

My Last Session Or My First

So, it's official. I am now known as the brave man in my class of inner healing. People have come up to me to encourage me for having the courage to be the demonstratee in front of the whole class. For those who do not know me personally, I think they'll probably imagine me to be a super wrecked up person in life. They are right. Looking at myself from an outsider's point of view I would classify myself as a "loser" in life. In fact it has kind of dawned on me that it is a miracle I managed to hold out to this point in time. 'If not for the grace of God'. This phrase seems to hold more meaning to me now than ever. Back to being the brave man in class. Actually it's not a matter of bravery in my case, it's a case of desperation. Seeing no way out of my situation I was willing to try most anything for the hope that one day I would be whole again. Don't mention being a demonstratee. Even if I have to stand in front of my church to make a confession I would if it meant wholeness for me again.

After four sessions of RTF, Sunday was the very last session for me. It had been an enlightening journey for me these four weeks. Even though there are still some philosophies I struggle with when it comes to inner healing, I must say I have been decently convinced through all that have happened thus far. It was interesting for me because one of my biggest questions in regards to deliverance was answered on Sunday's session. A lady who was from my former church asked a question about being demon possessed. She was asking if it is valid to cast demons out of Christians, since we have been taught Christians can never be demon possessed since the holy spirit indwells us. The pastor's answer was such an obvious one yet I never really gave thought to it. He mentioned that since part of Christ's work was to bring healing, Christians should not even be sick at all. He also said that officially demons should not be able to possess Christians, but it does not mean they would not try. Same things goes to the verse that says 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' Does it mean that Christians should not have any problems since God is for us? It was like someone knocked me on the head as the pastor explained his stand in regards to the lady's question. It's funny that the answer can be so obvious yet so elusive. I wanted to blame my former pastor for this misconception but I realised the minister he gleaned a lot of spiritual truths from also believed the same thing.

At last I finally got the chance to be prayed for by the man himself. He was the second last person I had yet to receive a word from and I was excited about it. It turned out the word he gave me was the shortest of the whole group. Funny how God works. Anyway, the last session was really the beginning for me. God seems to be indicating that I should be continuing with this study for some time to come. So I got the whole DVD series and will be delving into it, maybe even today. Whopeee......

Doing Things Alone

For someone who has a phobia of being alone and doing things alone, I think should be proud of myself. Somehow the fear has diminished somewhat. In fact, I seem to enjoy being alone of late. Somehow there's things I need to do which I can't do with others but God. Ever since I had my breakthrough in delving into the word more, it feels like I am playing catchup spiritually. Whatever amount of spare time I have left in the day, I'll rather spend the time meditating on God's word or something as meaningful.

The last movie I caught was almost one month ago and the reason I caught it was because I promised my colleagues to go. Since then, I don't think I have even watched tv at home except for dinner time. Somehow the urgency of keeping my eye gate pure seems to be of paramount importance now. I am walking out of a bondage that had been a very integral part of my life since my teenage years. The roots are deep so I am treading on delicate ground here. But I believe this is the God has appointed for me to walk free so I am really trusting God that it all ends here.

So yar, I am glad that for now, I am enjoying being alone. In fact, I really miss two of my buddies whom I have been trying to meet up with until now. I was supposed to meet up with them this evening before my lesson but somehow both were unable to make it. Strangely there is a strange delight almost since I am able to sit at my favorite cafe and spend my time reading up on soul ties and praying over them in my life. Then I also get to spend time meditating on the by now 4-5 page bible scripture which I have faithfully been meditating on for almost 1 month now. God grant me the discipline to go on till I see the fruits manifest in my life in such a tangible way. Okie, just a little more to go before I head off for lesson. Thank you Lord for Your faithfulness to me.  ; )

Prophecy

It was a new experience for me yesterday for the 3rd module of RTF. I have never had so many people prophesying over me in one session. The leader decided to do something different and had every single member of his team prophesy over every single person who was at the session. So I ended up with 5 prophecies and have another 3 more to go this coming Sunday. I would never queue for prophecy cos I never believed in asking for a prophecy. At the back of my mind, it seems immature to have to go around looking for prophecies instead of God bringing it to you on a prn basis. So the experience was really new to me. But it was also a really encouraging experience for me. Every prophecy spoken over me was so encouraging and edifying for me I was moved to tears.

One major lesson I learnt form the session was about forgiveness. In times past, I have been taught the importance of forgiving the person who has offended me. But one very major step was left out in the process and that was to let God heal the hurt caused. That was really new to me. Very often, I thought the only step to do after being offended was to forgive the person and that was it. That's a reason many people can pray the forgiveness prayer and yet not move on because the hurt's still around! Going through the session, I felt quite resentful against my former pastor. During my teenage years I was so hungry for God's word I practically devoured all the teachings my former pastor had given. That was good but he left out so much of other teachings I never realised I was becoming lopsided in my foundation.

LOL. I guess I need to go through the forgiveness as well as let God heal the hurt as well. Just kidding. But this really goes to show the importance of having a balanced word diet. In the midst of the teaching module I could relate to almost every symptom the teacher was talking about in the context of having been hurt. I was expecting a major breakdown when he ministered to me during the demonstration. But he felt God wanted to do the session coming week instead. So I was spared, for a week that is. In a sense I am kind of apprehensive of  what's gonna happen this Sunday. Yet, I think there's a hidden excitement since I am more than aware there are tons of issues within me that need to be dealt with. God have mercy on me......

** Inner Healing

I was to a certain extent dreading yesterday's RTF module, knowing I would have to place myself in a place of vulnerability in front of the public and hanging dirty linen in public has never been the least appealing to me. But having commited to being the demonstratee for all the sessions, I knew I had to keep to my word. So, the time came to go to the front to be ministered to. The day's topic was on ungodly beliefs.

So the pastor worked with me through my ungodly belief which was that I am always on the outside and that I am alone. Frankly, I can't remember the finer details of the conversation. The memorable part was when we came to the part of finding out what was the core of that belief which was the fact I believed I was not normal and that's why people would reject me. At some point I started to cry which was in a way nice yet unpleasant. It was nice to be able to forgive people who have caused my ungodly belief but unpleasant to breakdown while some 20 pairs of eyes are looking at you. Of course it did not really matter then.

We then proceeded to try to construct a Godly belief to replace the ungodly belief that was broken. By that time I was just too spaced out to think properly. It came to the point the pastor got one of his helpers to bring me elsewhere to continue ministering to me. So my pastor's wife brought us to a room and before she left, she hugged me. I started to break down again. For one, I did not expect her to hug me. Then I felt so loved by her. Then I was alone with the assistant where I continued to cry for an extended amount of time. I saw walls and I saw them being torn down. I knew it was walls I had built up between people and more importantly God. I remember weeping away as I told God He was the last One I wanted to have walls come between.

Thoughts Of Late

Couple of things happened in my life recently that are of note so I figured I better note them down before they fade into oblivion......

1) I have started on meditating on the word on a more consistent basis of late. It started with the word my pastor gave to me bout 2 weeks ago and coincided with my lifegroup leader 'forcing' the whole group to do a 2 page scripture meditation and confession. So all these went great and I am really thankful to God for the headstart to it. Since then, I have started experiencing more clarity especially for work (I usually go around work in a 'duh' state most of the time). I realise I also started making more sound and wise decisions which I usually do not make though I know I have to. Now I have gotten into the habit so much I am doing it consistently first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening.

2) I have deleted some contacts from facebook which I know are not edifing for my walk with God. It was tough, but it was necessary. I realised sometimes when I saw posts from them, it would evoke ungodly feeling in me. So one night, I got up from bed and just did it. God protect me from adding rubbish to my fb account ever again. Amen.

3) I started on this course called 'Restoring The Foundation'. It is Christian course aimed at dealing with spiritual issues which affects our lives like generational curses, ungodly beliefs, inner healing and demonic oppression. The main reason I started on this was that there were challenges in my life which I could not overcome. My life had started to revolve around the challenges and I found it hard to move on. So I am praying that by the end of the course, the underlying issues (if any) would be dealt with. I still have 3 more sessions to go.

4) At a little bit of a crossroad in my life. I have so many things I wanna do but so little time to devote to them. Also, I do not want to come to the end of the road and see the amount of time I have wasted on things which really did not matter in the first place. Sigh,...... I used to need wisdom prior, I think I need strength now to carry out what is wise......

**Dream Revived

Actually, this word really came unexpected. I was at a church meeting tonight. The worship was going great. I was not. Everyone seemed to be flowing and lost in the Spirit (You know that to be so when people start singing off key and start laughing away, almost uncontrollably). But I could not focus on God and on worshiping. There were too many things on my mind. Then when we were done with worship, my pastor had a word for me.

He said he saw me kneeling and in front of me was a shaft of light. It was not on me but in front of me. It was the light of the word. The reason it was not shining on me was because I was too focused on me (He was spot on). He then said that I need to meditate on the word and then the word would shine on me and be the lamp onto my feet. He also said that God's calling on me had never changed. He said that he saw me preaching to people. In fact, he also saw a pastoral anointing on me as well. He said that I used to have a measure of meditating on God's word but I lost it along the way. All he said were spot on man.

I knew God was knocking on my door. I thought I would just break down and lose it totally. To my surprise I remained pretty composed. I guess I was in a sense delighted that the call to preach was still open to me. After so long, I was starting to wonder if all the preaching stuff was just some fantasy I had when I was younger. God confirmed it was and still is a call in my life.

So yes, I need to start meditating on God's word again. This time more seriously. It's really time to take my eyes off myself and on to the word......