** It's A Journey

This is gonna be a long one. So buckle your seat belts. It started yesterday. Was learning under my worship coach Daniel. The practice was fine though it started on a slightly uncomfortable note for me. He asked me if I was okay to which I replied that I would survive. Guess that was my way of saying things not too good but not too bad. He tried to probe more but I refused to tell him. I wanted to share with him but I was concerned since it was not as simple as a confession. But he told me he's my father to which I somewhat agree. I did see him as a spiritual figure in my life. After a while he relented and told me that he agreed that trust needs to be built. After the practice with him, I stayed to watch him practice for the Mandarin worship with the singers. As I watched him play, I slipped into depression. He played so so well that I really felt inferior. And I started to feel condemned. It's been so long and yet I don't seem to have achieved anything in life, not just musically but many other aspects as well. So I spent the rest of the day 'emo'ing. When night fell, I realised that I could not go on like this so I decided to skip all my usual practices to pray.

I spent about an hour praying in tongues. Suddenly, I started to think of J again. All the memories flashed back and I started to weep because I just felt so heart broken and yet so helpless. That was when the previous blog came about. I decided to sleep early and go church early today to attend the Mandarin service. Just felt I really so needed to spend more time in worship towards God. And so I did. I knew what songs they were gonna sing today and I knew the songs would minister to me. True enough, I was worshiping and crying away this morning. In the midst of worship, I felt that I had to verbalise myself forgiving J. Even though I do not feel its J's fault I ended up the way I am (rebellion has its own consequences), I just needed to forgive J. Which I did.

I verbalised that I forgive J and that I release J. So after worship, the preacher then took the pulpit and starting teaching. Much to my surprise the topic today was about forgiveness! How apt! Beyond that he taught that forgiveness also meant releasing the person. So I knew it was all God. I then met up with Caleb to have breakfast. Thought I could finally spend some time one on one with him. For the past few occasions we were always joined by others so I did not have personal time with him. Today was no exception. We had breakfast and headed for the English service.

I was not too engaged with the worship. Wonder why. I seem to be more in tune with the Mandarin side when it comes to worship. Then another preacher took the pulpit since my pastor was on holiday. He is a prophet from Melbourne. The message spoke somewhat but when he gave the altar call, I knew it was for me. He asked for people who felt directionless and that church was just a routine to come up. He also asked for people who seemed to have hit a wall in their Christian walk to come up. I was the first one. I knew that God was calling me. When I was up at the front, I felt someone behind and had hands on my back. I knew it must be my sis. I was touched. I did not expect her to be there but I realised she would definitely be there for me. He then started to pray for everyone in the front. While he was praying for everyone else, I was standing there.

I had a hand on my heart and the other lifted up. I knew it was a personal time between God and me. It did not matter even if the preacher did not pray for me. God was already touching my heart. One of the things I remember praying for was the realisation that all I need in life is Jesus, not man. I kept on confessing "I need You Jesus". After a while I started to apologize for all the time I have wasted in my life because of this issue. I kept saying "I am sorry God". And I kept feeling in my heart "ALL IS FORGIVEN AND ALL IS WELL". What a relief! Then the prophet came and started to pray for me to be healed of all the disappointments. So apt! He also prayed for God to surround me with His Love. Then he said "A NEW DAY IS COMING". Yes! If there's anything I need, it's a NEW DAY. All the past hurts all the past failure can belong to the past. So I stood there, weeping again. Seems like tears happen to be a big part of my life. As I stood there, my care group leader was there as well. After the preacher went on to pray for others and I had released my pent up emotions, I turned and hugged my sis. She's really been the pillar in my life. Then she told me that she saw the weights fall off me. She also said that when the weights fall off the real me can come out. Not the one I pretend to be but the real me.

Right now as I sit in front of my com and am typing this, a lot of thoughts are in my head now. But I shall end off with a line from a mandarin song I am listening to now. Literally, it goes.....

pain is flowing down from my eyes, I know You(Jesus) will wipe it for me.


Thank you Jesus......

I Miss You J, Still

I miss the times we had conversations that lasted hours over the phone.
I miss the time you encouraged me in my relationship with my dad.
I miss the look of contentment you had on your face after our dinner at the club.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I miss finding out how much we actually had in common.
I miss listening to you plan where to go for our Taiwan trip.
I miss receiving your 'good night' smses.

I know you can't hear me now. Even if you could, I don't think you would want to. Though I have not known you very long, I know that by now you should be very comfortable into your new relationship. Wish I could be like you. It's funny how I always wished I could strike lottery cos the day we became friends I had more than struck lottery. I know a person like you is very hard to come by. That's why I was 'desperate' to be better friends with you. Unfortunately, things did not quite work out the way I wished it would. And I am torn. I know that us being apart does the both of us good in the big picture. But on the other hand I still find it tough to let it go totally. Glad that you have moved on. I really do not know if I can but life still goes on. I suppose I got to make do with being reminded of you a couple of times in a day, at least for now. It's the bane of all I have come to believe.

love you J, miss you J, always have......

My Day Thus Far

Today's been pretty good in comparison to yesterday I must say. Managed to squeeze in a morning swim prior to meeting my dad for lunch at the club. I think swimming is really the way to go for me. Seems like my thoughts become clearer whenever I swim. The water at the club today was great. Apparently they have switched to non-chlorinated water in the pools. Felt really good swimming in it. The water tasted way different from the regular pools I visit due to convenience which tasted kind of weird (wonder why) especially at the end of the day. Think I will swim at the club more often if possible.

Lunch went really well. For once dad did not ask about my nephew (miracle!). He asked about my brother (common topic) and also asked bout my sis (another miracle!). Though there were silent moments throughout, which is very common, we did manage to have a decent conversation. Thank God. After lunch I took a nap before working out at the gym. Think I injured my wrist a little. But anyway did not do very much at the gym today.

I also managed to practice a little for my guitar and my piano so that's satisfying. Even managed to take another short nap before I went to life group. Sleep really is a luxury. Led worship at life group tonight but I was not too happy about it. The songs seemed to flow pretty okay when I was practicing but there I had a hard time flowing. Also, my voice also gave way in the midst of worship. Hmmm, need to talk to my bro about it man.

Other than that, things seemed okay for me today. Still think about J a couple of times but I guess I'll make it. The problem is that J's place is right smack in the middle between my place and where the life group is held. So I will always have to walk pass J's place. Anyway, life still goes on with or without J I suppose......

FML

Still at work. Doc came late. Patient came late. Have loads of tests to do. 2 more patients to do before I can go off. FML!

J Has A Boyfriend

Just found out last night that J is attached. In one sense I am happy for J. On the other hand, I realised that my world just fell apart again. Now I have one less thing to live for in life. I do not know how much more I can take. Somehow I have this weird feeling that God somehow led me up to this to finally find out about J being attached. Anyway I am more than aware that as much as I like J, I will not be able to give J all that J needs in a relationship. Wretched bastard that I am. I can't get into the relationship I so yearn for. Anyway J you have my best wishes. Wished I could be the one to love and care for you but I guess I blew it up big time.

The other J......