2013?

I find it hard to be excited about coming into a new year. After doing it for 34 years, I seriously do not understand how people can be so excited about the new year. Having said that, I can understand why people yearn for the new year. I guess to some, it means a new start. It means psychologically being able to bury the past year and to start afresh. It's a clean slate of sorts. Unfortunately for me, I have become paranoid and less hopeful for the new year since I blow up every year like I do the previous. It's sad I know but somehow the saying seems to hold true: Do not hope and then you won't be disappointed...... My apologies for such a negative blog start to 2013. Just wanted to pen down my thoughts, however negative they may be.

I think this is the first year I do not have any resolutions. It has finally dawned on me the worthlessness of new year resolutions since I do not accomplish them at all. So am I a year wiser finally? No doubt resolutions bring about a sense of hope of change. I guess it just does not work for me. I can just see the whole year ahead: work, home, friends, work, home, friends,...... I think I need a jot of sorts to wake me up. Somebody just slap me please.....

Am I back?

I endeavored not to post any negative or 'too negative' writings on my blog. Maybe that's why I have not written anything for so long. Took me a while to come to this but I feel I really need somewhere to release my thoughts and feelings however negative they may be...... Whether I like it or not, my life is such for now. And to deny the negatives in my life seems as wrong as only posting the 'good' stuff, knowing well that life is made up of both good and bad.

I guess there are a couple of reasons why I tried not to post unhappy or 'unglam' moments in my life. One of them is that I am afraid of being vulnerable. I have reserved this state of being to my closest of friends and kin. Only they can know the truth about me and yet love and accept me as I am, really am. Next reason I suppose is because of testimony sake. It's kind of obvious from the title of this blog that I am a Christian and I am concerned about what people might think of Christianity or Jesus because of my revelations of myself through writing.

I think I have come to a juncture in life where a lot of things don't quite matter anymore. A lot of my philosophies of my life and faith have been challenged and utterly blown to smithereens in this journey called life. And I find that I am left with pretty much nothing right at this moment. Nothing.....

Conclusion? Yes. I will write once again, hopefully without restraint. I will try to be most honest to my blog and my God cos I know both my blog and God will listen without prejudice and bias. I am back, I am back......

Yet Again

I know I need to lay it down. Somehow I can't find the strength to. That's an excuse. I think it's fair to say at the heart of it all, I do not want to. I realise the odds are stacked up against me. Way against me. Sometimes logic does not seem to matter. Experience does not seem to matter. Hard knocks do not seem to matter. I find myself coming back to the same choice I had a couple of years ago. And yet again I am leaning towards the wrong choice. I know this choice will not be as devastating as the other time but why even go through it? Am I just a sucker for punishment? Seems like it. Not too sure how much more of such nonsense can I bear.....

Burdened

Feeling kind of weighted down of late. It feels like history could repeat itself all over again. Now, it's a tug of war, again. The slight glimpse of hope which only ends in abject misery and pain. Somehow the pain is inevitable but yet I am almost ready to go at it again. When will I ever learn?

Heartless Me

I think I am perfectly capable of being totally heartless when I am in a bad mood. Was checking the eyes of a foreign worker involved in an accident with the eye. Usually such workers will try to fake their situation to be much worse in order to claim money for it. One way they do so is to claim they cannot see anything during the tests. So after exposing a number of them, I usually approach them with a negative attitude. To add to this, I had a movie appointment cancelled yesterday and that had a spillover today.

Before I even started my tests, he was already in tears. It was funny cos it did not move me at all. Much to my credit I found out later he does it all the time during his visits to us. During the first test I already saw signs he could see better than what he claimed. So the rest of the journey was to expose the lies of a man who was not honest with his eyes.

It was unfortunate I could not prove much after the first test. It seems like he knew exactly what to expect from and to answer me. So I went away rather disappointed. I was chatting with his doctor after that and the crappiest and most heartless idea came to mind. I suggested to scare him with the possibility of removing his eye since he could not see through it anyway. The doctor laughed but I was serious. Of course we were not gonna do it but I figured if he really was lying about his vision he would definitely resist against the idea of removing the eye. But anyway, the point of the whole story is to illustrate this point: DON'T MESS WITH ME WHEN I AM IN A BAD MOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I Drive Myself Crazy: The Birthday Besh Of The Year

Great! It's 2 a.m. in the morning on this wonderful Saturday morning and here I am on my bed typing away on my iPad cause I can't sleep. And this is despite the fact I have downed myself with medication which causes drowsiness and sprayed 2 mg worth of melatonin prior to sleep. To top it up, it is drizzling outside!

In just 3 hours I will be in a cab on my way to the ferry terminal to catch a ride to Bintan for my well-deserved weekend break. I would have tried to just laze on bed till I drift back to slumberland (if I could) on any other occasion but I felt I should just pen down my thoughts so I could just release them before I attempt to sleep again.

It's about last night's dinner. The one dinner I so dread in the year (other than father's day). In a sense, I am glad I made it through alive. On the other, the dinner turned out to be such a drama I would have so enjoyed watching had I not been involved in it. Who needs soap operas when life presents such situations at your face? Let's set the stage for this episode of the series "Damn, your life sucks!" which the lead actor is of course yours truly......

1) My sis, my pillar of support was not around. She's with her hubby in Hong Kong. This trip was planned months before. Of all things, the departure day had to fall on dad's birthday. So, being the filial daughter she was, she tried to schedule a lunch date with dad instead, only to receive scoldings and having the phone hung on her. Seemed very familiar. It's one of dad's favorite stunts. It works well cause you get to scold the other party to your heart's content then you cut off the communication thereby disallowing the other party to explain themselves or even to apologize. Very good weapon indeed. I can see why dad was upset. Yet, I have yet to see how this kind of treatment benefits any side or facilitates any Godly resolution.

2) My dad's wife, whom I call auntie was not around as well. Apparently, they had some argument about money issues and were ignoring each other. Auntie tried to call a number of times to wish him happy birthday and hopefully get to really talk things out. Well, I need not mention it was to no avail. Auntie then proceeded to call me (seems like I am the shoulder to cry on) and to explain to me the situation and her standpoint. So without her around, there is hardly any conversation over any dinner table. Who could I depend on to break the silence?

Perfect situation ain't it? The word 'dread' took on a whole new meaning last night. I seriously can't remember when I really dreaded to do anything or go anywhere to such an extent. To make things worse, I didn't particularly enjoy spending time with the relatives on my dad's side. To me, they were really weird. And I mean Weird! Take for example this auntie who just talks her mind so much and talks too much for that matter that her son has to attempt to hush her multiple times throughout dinner. Of course, when she talked to almost everyone over the dinner table, it had finally come to me......

I can't remember when was the last time anyone had been pushing me to get married. Even my mum gives me the liberty to take my time with this. And this auntie had to come along and ask me to get married, preferably next year cause it's the year of the dragon. Then there is an uncle whom I have not seen for a long time (not that I miss him). I remember him telling two things which stuck with me. One is that though he may not understand a particular foreign language, he has this ability to tell if someone is cursing him. Hmmm, rare gift I must say. Then the next one is that he charges the students he tutors according to the grades they want. I.e grade A will cost this much, grade B will then cost this much and son forth. Hmmm, innovative way to determine your tuition fees ain't it. I think you get the point. To be fair, there are really nice ones of whom I was reminded again last evening that still existed though a minority I must say. So the summary is that I don't really like them. In fact, I am really so ignorant of my relationship with most of them I only sort of realize 2 of them were actually my cousins last night! Enough said......

So throughout the dinner, I felt a sense of awkwardness from time to time. Then about halfway through the dinner, the climax came. Auntie called. But she was smart. She knew dad would not answer the phone so she called one of my uncles instead. I think she just wanted to wish my dad happy birthday through that uncle but he ended up passing his phone over to my dad. Bad mistake! At first it was a pretty silent conversation to me since dad would not say anything when he is pissed off. Then again, he says nothing most of the time! Then my dad started to dominate the conversation scolding her. He started to say things like she did not respect him, he had enough of her, so many years of tolerating her, etc. To me, I figured she was still trying to salvage the relationship to the best of her ability. But this time, it ain't working. Dad seems determined to have nothing to do with her from now on. I wonder if he has ever pondered on how she has taken care of him these years. I wonder if he has ever realized he is not the easiest person to live with at all. I wonder if it has ever crossed his mind who will take care of him henceforth if he dumps her. I guess not.

So the phone conversation went on for about maybe 20 minutes while everyone else around had to pretend nothing serious was going on. Next thing I knew, he was off the line. I do not know what's the verdict and frankly I can't be bothered. If dad does not care about the issue, I don't see why I should. Maybe that's why I am not married yet. I think maybe deep inside there is a fear of my marriage turning out like this. This is like the third relationship and second marriage my dad has had ever since he and mum went separate ways. Mind you my dad was at least sixty when he divorced my mum.

I think the highlight of the dinner for me was when it was over. I could finally go, hallelujah! Of course, more stuff went on during dinner but I think you get the point of how warped my family history is. I think the toughest part is not really the going through of all these family situations. To me, the toughest part is trying to control my attitude and thoughts throughout all these. I feel really bad for the way dad treated sis during this period. Again, I empathize with dad somewhat but watching my sis take all the baby steps towards trying to mend the broken relationship between father and daughter, I really feel for her. All the effort seemingly destroyed by just one incident. How do you maintain a relationship properly with someone when you are treading on egg shells all the time? I have it easier cause I know dad dotes on me somewhat. But many a times I really have to harden my heart to my dad in order not to get hurt again. To be frank, I am at this stage in life where I can almost say I don't really care even if he goes to hell. Somehow as a man, I find it easier to detach myself from this but I know it ain't the same way for women. That's probably why auntie, despite all the things she experienced from dad, still seeks reconciliation. I can imagine her I Taiwan now crying away, troubled and unable to sleep. Yet, I can imagine dad sleeping soundly at this very moment.

I really feel this conflict within me. I attribute this to my Christian beliefs. On one hand, I know it is right for me to honor dad and God wants me to have a proper attitude towards him. Yet on the other, my life is already troubled enough without dad. Why do I want to let him into my life and give me further problems? There are issues in my life I have him to thank. But looking from another standpoint can I really blame him? Does he really know any better? Judging from his life now, I can safely conclude he really does not know any better. So is that good enough reason to let down my guard, knowing one wrong move could lead me to the same plight as sis? 'love never fails'. Boy does that verse sound so profound now. Seriously, I know yet I do not want to act.

Well, at least I got that off my chest. It's now 4 a.m. and I am due to wake up in an hour's time. Time to go back to bed.

"Father I thank you that you are the perfect father. I know you are holding on to my hand. In my weakness, show Yourself strong".

Pre-Dinner Blues

So here I am siting by the dinner table, waiting for the dinner I dread most in my life: dad's birthday bash. To help the feeling of dread, my dad's wife and my sis will not be around. Then there will be the relatives whom I'll rather not meet. Making small talk has never been so challenging. Then trying to recall the terms to address them by makes it worse. All of us gathering to please a man who cannot be pleased. Great way to the start of the weekend ain't it. Sigh. Think I better stop before I commit suicide in this beautiful restaurant. God bless Jonah.......

I Realised Something

I think I kind of understand why I enjoy music lessons so much. I think it's because I tend to shift my focus on the instrument I am learning and thus forget the issues of life. Even after lesson, there is still a residual euphoria I experience that sort of negates the 'emo'ness I feel from time to time. Can't seem to do the same with work. When I am really 'emo', it seems to eat into my work instead of work being a form of distraction. The conclusion: sign up for more lessons! ;)

Pleasant Surprise

It's hard to believe I am taking up music lessons again. So here I am siting outside the classroom of Believer Music waiting for my class, which if history is anything to go by will most likely start late. This time I am taking up electric guitar. I figured that I need to be spending money in order to keep the discipline to practice. Another advantage is that I'll keep my mind occupied from thinking emo stuff.

Been a little disappointed lately with some friends. Feels like I am a convenient friend of sorts. What I mean is that friends seem to wanna spend time with me only when there is reason to and the reason's not because I am missed. The only o e I can think of is my army friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis even though he is married. Somehow I feel assured even in the busiest time of life he will still have time for me. Unfortunately I can't say that for many of my other friends. What a shame. Yet, I realize that they are not obligated to me in any way. Maybe it's me who is the problem, not them.

Anyway, it's about time for class. It still irks me to see people staring into classes they don't belong to. It seems increasingly more difficult to ind our own business nowadays. Crap!

Misunderstandings

I wonder sometimes how many relationships die because of misunderstandings.

Hmmmm.......

I find that bad memories seem to pop up when you least expect them.  It's been almost 2 full years since, yet I find myself muttering out these words......

Sian

Describes how I am feeling right now. Just went through my judgement day (aka appraisal day) yesterday. Was still hoping to get an above expectation rating, which meant another half month of pay extra. Unfortunately I was disappointed. In a sense, I feel like I do not deserve it since I did not have an exceptional contribution to the clinic last year. Yet, I felt like I deserved it since there will be others who do not do as well or contribute as much and yet will get the same rating.

Anyway, been feeling quite stressed and sian at work of late. Feel like I am busy trying to put out fire and do damage control for others. Kind of tired. Was a little pumped from the trip but now I feel like just 2 days of work have drained me of everything. Of course, it is not solely a work issue. I am also trying to juggle other stuff and challenges in life which have surfaced in an untimely fashion. Would have taken it better if I had a chance to tackle things one at a time instead of all at once.

I realised only today that I have long forgotten 1 Peter 5:7. Now I struggle at the thought God cares about me affectionately and watchfully as well. Need to start meditating on that verse again......

Mum Again

I came to a conclusion recently, that I need to mentally prepare myself whenever I travel with mum. I thought I was mentally prepared this time round but I was wrong. To be fair, I think this trip was punishing for her since my cousin who planned the trip did not really take into consideration my mum's age as well as strength. So my mum was probably tired out most of the time. Then again, it was punishing for me as well having to look out for my mum in more aspects than one. Also, I happened to pack most of my concerns of life with me when I came over when I should have left them at home.

The trips to prayer mountain helped somewhat since it was a time I could get away from mum as well as get some rest myself from the punishing schedules my cousins seem to enjoy. The problem is that as fast as the worries dissipate when I was praying there, they seem to return almost as fast. I remember when I left prayer mountain on Monday, I was feeling really light and easy. Today, I left prayer mountain only slightly better than before I reached.

I know I ought to be more tolerant with mum. And that is what makes me feel even more guilty. I realized I seem to be subconsciously following in my father's footsteps in the way he treated my mum. Mum related to me just yesterday bout my dad was nonchalant towards her on one occasion when she was suffering from food poisoning and had been in and out of the toilet so often. She finally asked for help after some time and the response she received from dad was "I already told you not to take so much chilli so what do you want me to do now?" My very first thought that came to mind was "What a bastard!" Then I slowly realized I too had become nonchalant to mum in many ways. I can imagine her thinking to herself how her life sucked. First it's the husband, now it's the son.

As much as I can try to justify myself, I know I definitely can treat her better. The way to do it, I do not know......

Hate This Feeling

Despite the fact I should be feeling excited that I will be heading off to my next holiday, which is practically a fully paid for one, I really feel lousy today. These few weeks have been intense ones, with things going on with work and my personal life.

Work wise, there have been issues popping up and I have seen colleagues become so disturbed by the events that it in turn disturbs me. I have never seen my supervisor cum good friend cry so often in the longest time. Pains me just to see her crack under the pressure coming from without. Worse thing is that most of it has nothing to do with her nor her abilities as a supervisor. People have been unreasonable and she has been the target of it. Sigh......

As for my personal life, the summary of it is...... Life sucks. It's that time of the year again. Father's day. As well as my dad's birthday in July. As you may have realized, I am not exactly a fan of my own father. I made it a point to call dad this morning to wish him an advance happy father's day since I would be away during father's day as well. To my gladness as well as dismay, he was not contactable. In a sense I was glad I did not have to talk to him today. Then again, it could have been over and done with in a jiffy. And so the underlying tone in my mood is that of anguish. Why can't a father and son just sit down and communicate without such feelings? This tone has been really disturbing for the past few days, since I had planned to call since last week. I really hate this. Great, now I am feeling a headache of sorts due to the tension inside. The sad part is that I know I will probably live to regret all these should my dad not be around one day. This year he will be 76 years of age. Yet I still find it a struggle to try to mend the relationship. I really wish to be left alone. Damn it!

Foolishness

I thought I would try to listen to certain tracks which were my ringtones during my friendship with J. As much as the emotions stirred up were mild compared to what I went through, it still stirred up a longing for J nonetheless. Wonder if J ever feels remotely similarly to how I feel at any one time...... ;(

Helplessness

God seems pretty unfair at times. I realise that's a pretty sweeping statement. More often than not, it's a whole lot easier to see what I do not have and not see what I do. If just hard work pays off, I should be a whole lot bulkier and heavier than I am now. Unfortunately, it is not so. A whole lot of other factors come in as well. I have pretty much come to the end of myself when it comes to my physique. Think I am gonna just settle for whatever I have right now. Somehow, I have lost the zest to fight and achieve anymore. I see it in my working out. I see it in my work. I see it in almost all facets of my life.

I wonder to myself sometimes, what the hell am I here for. Even when I put in effort to try and achieve something, it always seem to end up as nothing. I see people around striving for their dreams and achieving it bit by bit. But for me, nothing seems to happen at all. Frankly I am at my wits' end now. Next step? I don't know man......

When The Walls Come Crumbling Down

It's not that I enjoy writing "emo" posts. It's that my emotions have really been out of whack prior to me leaving for London. Today I finally realised I should have made going to Israel a priority instead of London. I tried to kick up all my good habits prior to London and it has been the hardest thing to do. Take for example gymming. Ever I came back I have been sick since. So it's been effectively a month since I last worked out. I can feel myself losing my tone and I am sure others have noticed as well. So much so for wanting to go to the beaches of Phuket with a toned body. The same goes for my guitar, keyboard and voice as well. Right now as I am typing this post, I am in the midst of doing my SS as well. Thank God so far so good.

As I mentioned, I have been sick since I returned from London. It started with 'URTI' and my stomach started to get involved. It became so bad that I crawled back to my Chinese physician. I cannot understand why the good doctors always have their clinics situated at places so far from home or work. Anyway I am finally getting better physically and tomorrow I think I will go back for a review to make I am fit to fully enjoy my Phuket trip.

Oh yes then there is the spiritual side. It's been a long while since I missed three Sundays at one time. And I surely paid a price for it. My emotions have been as down as my spiritual life. Life really lost its luster and I have been so weak against sin. So glad I am starting to get things back in order. Don't think I'll ever attempt such a stunt anymore. Hmmmm, is there any church in Phuket?

Acceptance

I learned a fair bit from this trip I took to London. I realised how much I crave acceptance from others. It's funny how I have never really been sensitive to this before. I have never been sensitive to being slighted or despised because of my race. I have heard of racism from the caucasians before but it's either I really never had experienced it firsthand before or I am being overly sensitive during this trip. On a number of occasions I felt slighted by the people I came across with the worse being from the people in Paris. I have been warned about them not being very helpful to English speaking people by the landlady but it's another thing to experience it firsthand. To be fair, the majority of people were really nice as a whole but I suppose I was locked into the "black sheep" of the lot.

I traveled with a group of my colleagues initially and continued my trip with one colleague while the rest headed back home after the business was taken care off. To be frank I was often annoyed with my colleague due to the little differences we had. Trust me. I usually am pretty accommodating but for some reason, many of the little nuances bothered me. The worst was the fact my colleague chewed with his mouth open. That really irritated me. On a side note, while having dinner with my 2 nephews just now, I realised both of them chew with their mouths open. Eeewwww! The ironic thing is that their father (my brother) used to bark at me for chewing with my mouth open when I was really young. I suppose it's karma. :) Back to the topic. My colleague also made little comments here and there which irritated me as well. Frankly, they were not hurting words or anything but again just little nuances.

All these made me struggle inside. Here I am wanting and hoping people would accept me just as I am. Yet, I can't seem to extend that kind of acceptance to others. My conclusion at the end of the whole thing is that I am just screwed! Hopefully this will be just one of those freak incidences whereby my mood is just all over the place. Or maybe it's just the jet lag. Yah, it must be the jet lag......

In A Split Second

It's amazing how in a split second my mood can change so fast. I was not in a fantastic mood already. Then I found out one of my closer friend's wife is pregnant. As if that was not enough, he told me another close friend's wife is pregnant as well. I guess I got no feelings to hide in here. That means we'll all get to spend less time together, as if it's not already bad enough. I have already promised myself I'll steer clear of wedding invitations. Great! Soon I'll be steering off one month celebrations as well. Sigh. Someone just kill me......

I Think I Like Someone

The only difference now is that I can arrest it straight from the beginning and not do anything foolish, knowing well decisions made during this kind of turmoil never end well. Can't afford to hurt anyone anymore.